three hundred sixty (360)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: She fell pregnant.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I was disappointed, felt angry..

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?:Not really

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I'm taking it as it comes. But I just can't get over it..missing her still.

What are your next steps?: I really don't know.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Anger, Sadness, Alone, Betrayed

What emotions are missing from the list?: I want her back.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Don't get into it.

What else would you like to share?: I was married when we met, she got married a couple of years into our relationship. Our relationship continued. We were going to let go of our partners but she needed some plan to make the family believe that she not leaving her husband for me as our relationship was known to some family members but it was denied. Then covid came and she fell pregnant.

three hundred fifty nine (359)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: I snooped through my partners photograph files on his iPad. I know this isn’t right but I was kinda looking to see if he was planning to propose etc as our path has been going along those lines as of late.

What I saw was absolutely disgusting. He had saved videos of my brother doing sexual activities…yes that isn’t a typo. I then confronted him. He admitted that he had had a secret conversation anonymously with my brother online under a pseudonym and then saved videos of him to his phone. Apparently this only happened once, but it was over a year ago and still the videos were on his devices.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Right now, a day on, I am absolutely exhausted. My body often reacts to any emotional events with fatigue so I am used to this reaction but it is horrible. I am just shut down, in bed. I feel really upset actually on behalf of my brother as he did not know he was being exploited by my partner and I am very protective of him. I feel very empty and lost. I don’t really even feel angry yet, I assume that is to come. I think I am still processing this information.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?:Eating: not eating healthy, comfort foods only. Sleeping less well, tired more. Isolating myself.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: At the moment I am numbing out tbh, I don’t even know the best way to deal with these emotions. Eventually I will return to my previous coping strategies like yoga etc but while I am so tired I don’t really know what to do, plus there is nobody that I can share this information with.

What are your next steps?: Right now, I am not sure.
This is a 5 year coming up to 6 year relationship. We live together. Our whole life is together. I still feel like I love him. I am very confused. I need time I think.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Sadness, Alone, Voiceless, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Numb

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: I am not sure.

What else would you like to share?:

three hundred fifty eight (358)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: Found out in my spouses WhatsApp messages

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Devastated. Heartbroken. Stupid. Lesser than. Ugly. Fool. Ashamed

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?:Abnormal sleeping patterns. Generally negative outlook

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Trying to get fit. Trying to pray. Too ashamed to share with anyone

What are your next steps?: I don’t know. I just need help

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Sadness, Afraid, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Can’t say

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Don’t have much advice to give. Things seem to improve, but don’t think this can happen independently

What else would you like to share?:

three hundred fifty seven (357)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: Confronted spouse about it. Had a Dream about it. Was right.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.:Totally Pissed. Not for me but about our 9 year old son.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: None

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I got a lot of Stinking Thinking. Want to hurt them both coz my son is suffering but doesn’t know.

What are your next steps?: Telling our son that he’s Adopted and that we are moving out. First I’m trying to get him some Therapy before I tell him.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Anger, Empowered, Betrayed, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?: Great full.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Take care of yourself and your children.

What else would you like to share?: Wanted to leave years ago but was told if I left that him or I would be raising our son.

three hundred fifty six (356)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: Saw messages from a number I didn’t recognize pop up on my husbands phone. Did some research and found out she is a math teacher who he’s gone to at least one conference with and had known for at least 5 years.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I feel humiliated, lied to, and very very angry. For so many years I have done things to make it possible for him to go to these conferences. Mostly staying home and taking care of our senior Great Dane. We have never been able to go to one together even though he claims he wants me to. Now I maybe can see why.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I actually started taking much better care of myself.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I take an hour long Walk every day and do yoga. I also let myself cry A LOT.

What are your next steps?: I haven’t quite decided yet. I have not confronted him yet, but he told me yesterday I seemed bummed. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I rely on him for my lifestyle, and it would be a major change if I left him, but I also know I don’t like being lied to and made a fool.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?:

What else would you like to share?:

three hundred fifty five (355)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 1 - 2 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: i needed to borrow gmail on his phone cause i was activating my new one. i discovered he subscribed to one of his college mates onlyfans. a girl he said he was just friends with. it broke me. that was only the first time.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.:this was december 2021. i feel completely numb now. things are better. it’s weird because sometimes i feel like i’ve found forgiveness and understanding. but other days i feel like it’s happening now.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: man yeah i’ve gained so much weight which doesn’t help either of us. when it first happen i could barely eat. i would wake up and cry and go to sleep and cry some more.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: i tried to get back. but it just didn’t work. i love him. other men just aren’t him. we’ve been working on communication. i don’t think he means me harm now. but i’m worried he will fall into old habits.

What are your next steps?: hope time heals all wounds. if it doesn’t then idk.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: if you’re not too emotionally invested then leave. i’m 22 right now. i know i’m so young but i’m so worried i’m going to miss the one. i love him so much. but he did do it again. if i could go back over to the start of our story the first time he cheated i would leave.

What else would you like to share?:

three hundred fifty four (354)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: I noticed that he started following her on Instagram, then some comments on her pictures & she would also comment on his. Some text messages as well but he denied everything. Until recently I saw a video of them at my flat which means he uses my space to meet with her while I’m aw

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I am numb at this point I don’t even know what to do. I think I’m loosing my mind

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I’m currently pregnant so most things are not the same

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Nothing is working I try to remain calm and I have not confronted him about the video I saw.

What are your next steps?: I don’t know, I am broken

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Hate

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Don’t stay with a person doing this to you or you will go crazy

What else would you like to share?:

three hundred fifty three (353)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: He had to tell me that he had tested positive for syphilis.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Heartbroken. Angry. And guilty, because at first I felt that much if the blame was mine. I was a bad wife, I was fat, I had become uninteresting, I had a low sex drive...I had somehow driven him to cheat. I am way past blaming myself now. Bad marriages cause divorces, not cheating. His choice to cheat really had very little to do with me at all.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: At first I didn't sleep. I stopped eating and lost about 20 pounds. I felt as though I was just drifting through my life, untethered and disconnected. I did my best to put on a brave face for my family and at work, but I think most people knew something was very wrong.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Couples therapy initially and individual therapy for me. I took a lot of walks, went to the beach, picked up extra hours at work to keep busy, started journaling. It worked, except when it didn't. I definitely still have moments of anger and grief over the loss of the relationship I thought I had.

What are your next steps?: Right now we are cohabitating but not living as a couple. We are saving money, possibly for a divorce. Ironically, we have not gotten along this well in a long time. I'm really not sure where we go from here- divorce, separation, stay married, ethical non-monogamy. I'm trying to take care of my own needs and can't think too far ahead.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: There is no blanket advice here as every situation is different, but if I had to offer anything, I'd say- take care of yourself. Eat, drink, sleep, shower, breathe. Find someone to talk to- friends are good but a therapist is better.

What else would you like to share?:

three hundred fifty two (352)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: Text msg to the kids cricket coach that was suspicious.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Now = feel i have addressed route causes and am taking steps to move fwd.
Then = my world collapsed. I became numb.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Lost 14kgs in a month, kept waling up during the night.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Differentiating btwn rational and irrational thoughts.
Keeping positive and realizing that a marriage takes work
Yes

What are your next steps?: Learning to forgive her; being the best i can be for myself, my wife and family

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Replaced, Betrayed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Disconnected

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Determine if she wants you or not? If not dont be scared to leave.

What else would you like to share?: In a relationship it always takes 2 to tango. If you make time and put im effort to be good to each other; you will find more reward than sneaking around and deceiving your partner….

three hundred fifty one (351)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: Found Text message and video footage, this led me to suspect something then I confronted her and she came clean

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: When I found out I felt immense paid and numbness all in one. Now I feel sad every now and then but also half the man I used to be

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: To start with I didn't eat at all and slept probably 2 or 3 hours a week they have somewhat improved since

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: We have enrolled in couples counselling and are working through it. I also have individual counselling

What are your next steps?: To continue working at our relationship

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible

What emotions are missing from the list?: Inferior, insecure

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Talk honestly and openly. And gather all the facts

What else would you like to share?: