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sixty-seven (67)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: 

In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: 

I caught him in the shower with another woman. He didn't think he would be seeing me that night.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

When it happened i was beyond mad. I was hurt, sad, confused, i got physically sick. I would vomit , panic attacks, depression major anxiety. And hated myself.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

I can't sleep, if i even fall asleep i have nightmars and wake up crying. I will stay in bed for days only geting uo to use the bathroom.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Art, dance... Things work for a little bit and then don't.

What are your next steps?: 

I have no idea. I don't really want to even think about the future.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?:

What else would you like to share?:

sixty-six (66)

MRS

I AM A 23 YEAR OLD WOMAN.I GOT MARRIED IN 2017 WHEN I WAS 21,EVER SINCE I GOT MARRIED MY HUSBAND CHEATED ON ME ABUSED ME EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY I THEN DECIDED TO OPEN A PROTECTION ORDER AGAINST HIM THEN HE STOP WITH THE BEATING.HE CONTINUED WITH THE CHEATING UNTIL I DECIDED TO ACT AS IF IM ALSO CHEATING ..NOW HE WANTS TO FIX THING BUT I CANT BECAUSE HE IS HIDING HIS PREVIOUS CHEATINGS..HE DOESNT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEM..IM SUFFERING THROUGH DEPRESSION CAUSE OF THE PAINS HE HAS CAUSED ME...WHAT CAN I DO?

sixty-five (65)

Blind-Sided

My husband of 32 years and I separated and we’re working on our emotional growth. We were dating and seeing each other regularly.  On Friday night we had a date that ending with us making love. He told me that he loved me and wanted us to promise each other that we wouldn’t see anyone else while we were working on ourselves. On Saturday I was working and he was texting me all day. The texts stopped at 9:00 pmand my intuition told me that he was with someone else. Sure enough, I talked to him on Sunday morning and he admitted that he spent the night with my sister’s best friend and that he had to meet her for breakfast later that morning. I’ve never felt betrayal like this before. It is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me.

sixty-four (64)

the scar on my back

ive felt it when i would think about it. 
in denial i was. "she wouldn't do that to me." 
i knew her for six years, she was like a sister to me.
he hurt me, my ex-boyfriend, mentally and she knew about it. 
they soon became very close, closer than he ever wanted to be with me. 
his reason for dating me was, "because you were depressed." 
when he broke up with me he said, "i never felt nothing for you, i stopped liking you a month ago." it wasn't fair for me because as time passed i was liking him more and more, without knowing that he was feeling the complete opposite.
it was 3am, he knew how terribly depressed and alone i was. he broke up with through text at that moment. his reason was that he didn't want to break up with me in person because he thought I would punch him.
why would he say that? im not that person, im not brutal, im not the person he thinks i am. i told him that he is hurting me, he said "eat ice cream, doesn't that help with break ups?"
oh how naive he was, how naive he wanted to be when it was convenient for him. he broke me, just like that. words hurt more, they penetrate your memory sensor and makes itself at home. 
the worst of it all, i gave him my flower out of lust and nothing to feel.
she knew all of this.
a year later, i forgave him for all of it. that's when my best friend and him got really close, that's where i continue with the explanation of how i began. 
it never crossed my head that they would be together, she wouldn't do that to me. 
she wouldn't let a guy come between our friendship. 
so i let the thought go. 
senior year was about to finish, excited to spend the last months of it before we head off to college. 
however on april, she confesses that they both like each other and they are just waiting for my approval. 
they set me in the middle, they made me determine the should or shouldn't. 
how was that fair for me?
oh i was completely sad and broken. 
he did it again. 
i knew how much it would hurt me seeing my virgin best friend go out with the guy who triggered my depression. 
she was a virgin, everywhere. 
lips. cheeks. tongue. relationship. 
i was always excited to know who her first was going to be. oh how does life work? 

however i set all those painful feelings aside and became the bigger person.
i let them date because i wanted her to be happy, even when i knew how much it hurts me. 

couple weeks later i became sad, super sad. depressed sad. 
that i would play sad songs, and go to my front lawn to cry my eyeballs out. i just didn't want no one to hear my sadness. 
one night i was begging the hurting to stop, it was 3 am and i was kneeling to a tree at my front lawn, when out of nowhere some guy yells something im unable to hear. i slowly approach him believing the worst of him, he proved me wrong, he said, "everything will be okay. " oh how many pieces of me he healed just by saying that. i was weak and scared. 

i told her this, my hurting never stopped her dating him. 

one day i broke, actually i completely shattered. i couldn't do it, i told her how much it hurt.
she asked me "do you want me to break up with him? " oh how much I did wanted her to chose me, but i just didn't want her to make a choice that was mine. so I distanced myself away from her because of him. how much it hurt. 
i just wanted her to chose me. 
never happened. this went on and off even when in college. them going to the same college made it worse. there's so much to this.
all i can finalize this is. 

it's been more than a year, and it still hurts. 
it will always hurt. 
she hurt me. 

but most of all, i hurt myself everytime i let this get to me. 

and they lived happily every after. and me, im here just writing mournful poems and short stories about it.

sixty-three (63)

Realtor?

My wife was a realtor. I work full time. Found out a year ago that she was having a monthly trist with a retired army sergeant. He was supposedly interested in buying properties to rent out but I think he was just looking for his next married woman.  

She fell hook line and sinker. First an “innocent” lunch. Then a visit to his house where they would have sex. She would go see him one afternoon every 4-5 weeks. 2-3 hours and leave in time to pick up our daughter from school. 

This went on for a year until I happened to here her phone ding signaling a message in the middle of the night. I opened her phone and read her happy birthday wish to him and saw a picture she sent him “showing him what he missed” and wanted to make sure that this would get her a rain check. I was both shocked and furious. I sat in silence contemplating what to do. 

I woke her asked who he was (of course I called him by name). I could tell by the picture on his message that he was black. She didn’t deny anything. She told me who he was, where he lived, how they met, and how often she went to see him. She gave me his phone number and email address. 

She insisted that it was never about trying to hurt me only to gain her self confidence. She said she was ashamed but didn’t know how to stop. She felt power in the excitement of it. 

After 18 years of marriage I knew her ways and asked to see her work laptop. I knew that she would have emails and I was right. I read every one. 

I attempted to make contact with him but he proved to be chicken shit and wouldn’t respond to me nor her. I even told him that I beat her ass (I never lost my cool nor laid a hand on her). I told him that just to prove to her that he didn’t care about her that he was only interested in himself. 

To this day she insists that she has had no further contact and after a year of checking phone records and emails I believe her. It’s been tough but I never waivered on our marriage. We’ve had a lot of good communication and she’s answered all my questions even when she knew that the answer might hurt. 

We’re closer now than we’ve ever been. Lessons were learned on both sides. She took full responsibility and never blamed me for anything. I know it was all her decision.

sixty-two (62)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: I saw a text message his guy friend sent him and it mentioned my husband’s girlfriend. My husband didn’t deny it when I confronted him.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Sick to my stomach. Heartbroken. Disgusted. Angry at myself. I feel these same things now and then.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I don’t eat or sleep when stressed. He did this 10 years ago and it destroyed my health. This time I’m focused on not letting that happen again.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Walking the dog 3 miles every morning (I wasn’t sleeping anyway), yoga, definitely got closer to God.

What are your next steps?: Work on healing from this toxic 19 years, take a couple classes that I need to apply for a different job that I’ve wanted for s while, keeping getting healthier inside and out. Live in the now...not rehash the past or worry about the future.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?:Vengeful, not proud of that one

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Run when the first red flags appear!! Trust your gut. You cannot fix him, nor is it your job!

What else would you like to share?:

sixty-one (61)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: Snooping through his internet history

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Angry. Hurt. Betrayed. Stupid. Ugly. Desperate. Disappointed.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Hard time sleeping and eating. When it first happened I lost 15lbs in 4 days.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Exercise!!

What are your next steps?:

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Alone, Betrayed, Devalued

What emotions are missing from the list?: Disappointment

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Allow the time to feel and process your emotions but do not dwell on them.

What else would you like to share?: This does not dictate who you are as a person. This does not reflect your character. YOU are not the problem. Dont allow this to hold you back from living life and rediscovering who you are outside of the relationship.

sixty (60)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 1 - 2 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: A friend and teammate told me about my partner’s betrayal through text message when she was upset with me. She worded it like this... oh btw your girlfriend cheated on you. I immediately confronted my partner, basically threatening her to come clean or I would find out through my own means. Her response was to STILL try to keep information from me by saying well I don’t want to admit to anything I don’t know that they know. The incident had happened a week before she asked me to be her girlfriend, so technically it was not cheating but it was betrayal because she did it in our own home. We went on to date and live together for a full year before I found out.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I am now, coming to terms with my mistakes in that relationship. What actions I might have done that led to this incident and my responses after finding out. I am releasing a lot of pain I was holding onto and confusion. At the time of finding out, I was completely heartbroken, shattered. All I saw was the color of a deep deep red. I felt empty inside, I didn’t want to continue living through the pain I felt in my stomach. I wanted to escape everything especially her. I was so angry at her. I was more angry with myself, I felt stupid. I had been lied for an entire year. I had countlessly looked into the eyes of the person I loved and opened myself up to, only to find out that it was not the person I thought she was. I felt disgusted with myself for loving someone who could hurt me like that.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Directly after the incident, my eating and sleeping habits changed dramatically. What felt like every night, I was haunted by nightmares of the incident playing over and over in my head. I didn’t want to put anything in my body. I wanted to feel as empty as my heart had felt. My school work and sport took a major impact because of my lack of ability to focus on anything but my pain. I began drinking and smoking excessively to try and mask my hurt.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: For a long time I didn’t want to think about it. I actively avoided thinking about, talking about it. I know I am in a better place because I am able to do that now and really observe myself in that relationship. Yes, I was hurt by a person I loved. Yes, my trust was betrayed. Yes, I was wronged and didn’t deserve to be treated that way. But I was not innocent throughout the entire relationship. I had my faults, and although in my eyes they do not/can not compare to what was done to me, that does not excuse my behavior. I want to be a better person, and I am actively trying to change my bad habits so that I can build a healthier and more honest relationship. I do not want this to ever happen to me again. But even more so, I do not want to respond to my partner’s mistakes the way I did in my past. I want to be understanding of the people I am with. I hope that with a stronger and deeper bond I can both respect my worth and help my partners understand how to treat me like I SHOULD be treated.

What are your next steps?: I kind of answered this in my last response. But at this point, look at how I can better myself. What was done to me can not weigh on me forever, I am ready to let go and forgive. That does not mean to allow that same person to continue to hurt me, but to understand them and see why they did what they did. I am actually going to speak w my ex partner about the situation soon. My intentions are to explain how my perspective has changed and hopefully hear a GENUINE apology from her. Even if I don’t, I am not relying on her apology because I have decided to be the bigger person and move on with my life. To learn from my hardest relationship and the lowest point of my life, I am proud of myself and will continue to be the light I used to.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Betrayed, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Disgust, denial, toxic, enlightened, confused, stuck

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: The same advice I’ve read on here. Know what you can and can not/ will and will not handle. If the trust in the relationship is gone and you are not in a place to forgive and build on that trust again do not stay in the relationship. Give yourself time. Time to cope with your emotions and heal from the situation. Do not fight fire with fire. When you’ve decided to leave, do just that LEAVE and DON’T look back. Understand that you are worthy and capable of a genuine love that will make you feel good, safe, and ready to be vulnerable. Be gentle with yourself throughout this process.

What else would you like to share?: Do not allow this one incident to define you or restrict you from loving someone again.

fifty-nine (59)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 1 - 2 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: He created a profile on OKCupid and ironically sent a message to a friend of mines.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I was hurt. We had just celebrated our one year anniversary. I thought everything was going great with us.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: The day after everything happened and I confronted him I was so messed up that I couldn’t even go to work. I cried and stayed in the bed all day.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I started journaling. I can’t really talk to my friends because they don’t understand why I miss him. It helps sometimes. Others it makes me emotional.

What are your next steps?: I feel stuck as I don’t know what to do.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Anger, Sadness, Alone, Replaced, Betrayed

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Don’t rush anything. Take all the time you need to heal

What else would you like to share?: I’ve started praying more and I think it will get better.