submission forty-one (41)

Title: I am realizing that my husband had an affair 55 years ago.I feel angry, hurt and jealous

I am 85 years old. To pass time I got out my diaries.Now I am putting two & two together.I had 3 babies in 3
years and I was so involved with them that I just kind of let my husband do his own thing. It all seemed just
fine then but as I put actions together now, i see that it was an affair.

It started on July 13, 1962.I was expecting him home at 9:30.He was a bank VP in a a small midwestern
town and they closed at 9:00 on Friday nights.That night there was no phone call and no husband until
3;30.I was pregnant and had walked the floor for hours.Slapped him when he came in and went to bed.

I asked him the next day if a girl had been involved. He said NO. I found out that the lovely, blond teller
in the bank fantasized over him.I also found out that she invited 2 other male coworkers and 2 other
gals to see her new apartment. Before long it was just the two of them there alone. I am convinced that
a 7 month affair started that night.He gave her up when my 3rd baby was born but since I never realized
what was going on I just look back and see that it did end then.

During their affair he always had reasons for being two hours late from work and convincing stories of
meetings he needed to attend and occasionally he would say he was going out for a drink with the boys.

What bothers me is------where would they go and what did they do? I am thinking that they had sex every
time they were together. There were people in her apartment so I picture them in one of the many
Minneapolis, Minnesota bars that had facilities for lovers.My husband is also 85 now and we have had
55 normal, happy years. He has had a stroke and does not remember much but he does remember a 
lovely gal named Dagney and doing things with her. Please, just tell me what they did in 3 or 4 hours
and where they probably went. Did they just get together for sex or did they go to movies and go
shopping? Please, just give me your opinion. Thanks so much I probably should not add my name?

submission forty (40)

Title: PTSD and Infidelity w/Prostitutes

Your Story: I can't hate them.

I cannot hate the women but the man I loved for 20 years took into his arms laid down in bed with enjoying his body to....they're slaves.

Paid to do what he told them to do they were then thrown away into the night... Or into the hot afternoon sun when he toss them out of the apartment he kept just for this purpose...behind my back...hidden.

They were tossed away because to him they were not people....

And neither was I.

But I believed I was. I believed I was the one woman he loved, I built so much of my life around that but it wasn't real to him. To him I was the year 1 to 20 prostitute and nothing more.

Standing in our kitchen with a student in my office waiting to study for his SATs, he told me....deep in the throes of an OCD crisis, he told me....'"you took your granddaughters to the Grand Canyon and to Las Vegas on vacation. It made me so mad. I was stuck in Frankfurt airport and you wouldn't pick up the phone. It made me so mad. ... That was the last word I heard before my world fell apart...

I was so mad that I went to the hotel and I called for a prostitute. 

You what!  

My head was spinning he was completely unreal. It was as if I was standing on a ceiling and looking down at the dead me.

"They sent a Black girl" ---a woman, I corrected him, I was always correcting him that no one who's an adult is a girl we are women...." She did oral sex, they all do oral sex you know- his reproach because I- and she didn't do it right and the condom broke and she had sores in her mouth and now I think I have herpes and syphilis and maybe I have HIV....." Then he unzipped his pants and showed me the sores....

And I threw up.

he wanted me to look at what it happened to him because he had betrayed me but betraying me didn't matter at all to him.

20 years being faithful to him and building good hedges around us or so I thought

I didn't know.

2 months later I learned the rest when he revealed I've actually been going to prostitutes all 18 years it never stopped.

How much better it would have been if he had just killed me. Or if he hit Steph Curry shot me because those would have been wounds they could have heels.

But he catches my soul... Three years later there's nothing left who I was. And it doesn't get better... That's a lie. ..that's a platitude we tell people really don't want to hear their pain. That's what we tell people but it's not true.

you when I didn't reject him, when I didn't leave him, he became emotionally abusive to the point where every morning I woke up I knew that today would be filled with his horrible comments, his vile speech to me, his anger and sometimes his wrath.

And that never changed. 

Until finally after two-and-a-half years I became brave enough to leave him.

But it isn't better still.

To invest 20 years of your life in a relationship and to devote yourself to one person, one man will need to be thrown away... And then belittled by him and by friends that you thought were friends who say that what you're experiencing is nothing more than jealousy..

.... This isn't death all over again.

This is three trails who You are 5 people I don't want to know I don't want to care because you care would mean to judge... They don't know this sometimes it's right to judge.

I don't want life anymore.

If I had the incurable illness euthanasia wiould be by right. But this too is an incurable paid, it will never get better oh, it never gets better at the matter what I do it only gets worse.

I want freedom for the pain.

Aunt returned who I was before... It was never be again.

How can one person hate another so much the cause that pain?

"A daliance" the therapist we saw just one time before he refused to ever go back to any therapist ever again cold the single act of prostitution crippled me I'm gutted me and destroyed me. "A daliance". Instead of what it really was a poisoning, I just struction, a betrayal.... The psychologist to apologize later. he done the same to his wife and he wasn't willing to use words The condemned himself.

That again you didn't know with just a few days after I'd learned that this wasn't one time it was 18 years.

"Just get another man" that's what he told me after I moved out when I play script suddenly the full throes of PTSD... For he replaced me before I moved out with another relationship....and tried hard to shock me by Steven together it was angered with his plan didn't work. So angered that he threw boxes marked fragile on the ground intentionally trying to break China pictures, things that mattered.... He didn't know that nothing mattered anymore. And he was happy so everyone is happy for him.

I was sad. Even my own daughter rejected me because she didn't want to be around sadness... It seemed unstabled her to pee still sad because all he did of course was go to prostitutes.

All he did.... And she would not reject him now. He will be in our life forever she said he and whatever woman he's with will be in our life forever because you made him a part of our life even though he is not her father.

Her father died.

This man never became my husband and never became my children's father but she wanted one so badly that she's grabbed onto him does she loves his happiness because to her happiness is stable. She trusts happiness.  

And her ejection of me was the final nail... I did not want to live.

But I don't know how to die.

submission thirty-nine (39)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: 

Went into her Facebook acct and looked up the search history

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.:

 I’ve felt confusion and sadness every single day since I found out

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

Changed a lot, still can’t get enough sleep and not eating like I used to

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Had a long talk with her the day she admitted it, we decided to stay together and work it out...is it working?? Not really because she is putting in all the effort but it’s me that I just can’t move on, I simply don’t trust her anymore

What are your next steps?: 

Marriage counseling

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

If you’re going to forgive and move on together make sure you really mean it

What else would you like to share?:



submission thirty-eight (38)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

Viewing cell phone bill. Repeated numbers appeared and I brought it to his attention and was denied the truth. His affair partner called me and blew up my world.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

It’s been 2 1/2 years and after all the continued lies, blame-shifting, and gaslighting I’m suffering. Anger, sadness, anxiety, hyperviglience and so many more feelings. I hate these feelings, but even on my best days there’s an overwhelming feeling of craziness.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

Don’t sleep without taking pills. I’ve lost 30 lbs and I’m now well under 100lbs. I have developed some twitching.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Anxiety coping strategies, trying to find gratitude in the small things.

What are your next steps?: 

I gave it two plus years and at this point I may need to start a new life. It’s terrifying since I’ve been a stay at home mom for four boys.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Disbelief, devalued, untrusting

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

It’s a process there is no avoiding or swallowing all the emotions. It takes time. Allow yourself all the time you need.

What else would you like to share?: 

I’m a stay at home mom and raised four wonderful sons. My marriage if 28 years was blown apart August 2016. I found out that while my husband was driving a cab as a part time job he was carrying on a long term affair with a literal crack whore. He was transporting her for free in trade for sex. He was giving her money for drugs in trade for sex. He also brought her and her friend into my home and bed, when I was away with my two boys. He bought them drugs and brought them into our home. I also found out that he was watching a lot of porn during this time. My husband has always been a liar and manipulator and that had corroded our relationship over time. After a lot of reflection and education it appears he may have a personality disorder. He lacks empathy for his actions and that’s just something I can’t live with. I’m beyond scared because I’ve been a stay at home for 24 years. My husband recently lost his business and now if I sue for divorce I will have nothing. My home is an inch from foreclosure. So in two years I will have lost everything. I’m currently trying to get a job but my ptsd is interfering with forward thinking actions. I’m lost and tired... so tired. Betrayal Causes destruction of families and people’s feelings of self. If anyone has any suggestions on services that might be helpful please let me know.

submission thirty-seven (37)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: 

Looked through his phone after I felt something was off

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

I felt devastated when I read them. I instantly threw up. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I still feel that way from time to time when I think about it. I feel worried and feel the constant need to be reassured

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

I lost 30 lbs within 2 months. I don’t eat normal now. Sleeping is getting better but when I worry to much I can’t sleep

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

I really don’t have a method. I just try to reassure myself that it will all work out and that he is doing the right thing like he tell me he is. Most of the time I can calm down but the worrying never goes away

What are your next steps?: 

I feel like I may need to speak to a therapist about PTSD

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Betrayed, Invisible

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

That you need to trust your gut. And talk about your feeling with your partner

What else would you like to share?: Infidelity is one of the worst things to go through. Your whole sense of the world gets twisted. Trust is gone. Your self esteem is gone. Your relationship as it once was is gone.

submission thirty-six (36)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: 

It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

Via email from his wife

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

I've had a incling for years, and she told me I was crazy and just being paranoid but after reading the emails I'm devastated

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Can't eat or sleep

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Nothing really it's hard to cope

What are your next steps?: Divorce

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):

Anger, Sadness, Alone, Betrayed, Devalued

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?:

 Even if you think you've known someone for over 20 years you really might not

What else would you like to share?:

submission thirty-five (35)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 1 - 2 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: 

His infidelity didn't involve another woman but it involved drugs and alcohol. So in a way the drugs were his other woman. And he always put the drugs first.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

I felt sick to my stomach. Nothing I did was ever enough.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?:

 At the time I couldn't eat or sleep, I was angry and hurt..

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

I saw a psychologist. She was a good listener. And I had a couple of friends that were very supportive and also just listened.

What are your next steps?: 

I have closure now. I had tried to get him to own up to the hell he put me through but he didn't remember any of it. And I realized it was because of all the drugs and alcohol. He was never really there. It was never really a real relationship. I was always present and sober. He was always high.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Empowered, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Walk away immeadiatly from people who use drugs and alcohol on a daily basis.

What else would you like to share?:

submission thirty-four (34)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: 

While using my 14 year olds computer. My wife's sexting kept popping up. She had a shared account with my son and didn't realize her texts, sex videos and photos were available for him to see. She had been cheating for 8 years with over 10 partners.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

Discovering her double life and serial infidelity which included termed pregnancies. STDs, sex videos and over 10,000 sexting texts crushed me and my son. We have yet to even begin to recover.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Nothing is normal anymore.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Mostly friends for comfort.. The divorce is so contentious that coping is very difficult.

What are your next steps?: 

Until the divorce is final I can't get her out of the home. I am forced to live with her every day.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Strong, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Broke

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

I can't imagine anyone else in this situation but advice is to hold them accountable and don't let them off the hook. If you do they will do it again to someone else in the future.

What else would you like to share?: You have to deal with your emotions and resist the urge to suppress them.

submission thirty-three (33)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?:

 She told me when I confronted her

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

When I found out, I felt sick. Today (Over two years later) I thought I would be able to get over it, but I cannot.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

I have changed jobs, changed shifts, moved into a new home after selling our first home together.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?:

 I am uncomfortable taking to family about the situation. I have talked to a select few friends. She will not discuss it with me. "I need to get over it"

Obviously I'm here so it's not working for me

What are your next steps?:

 I think it's time to discuss divorce.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Betrayed, Devalued

What emotions are missing from the list?: Over it

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

If you have doubts about being able to move past what happened, and your unfaithful partner isn't willing to hear your concerns, bail out.

What else would you like to share?: 

I have been cheated on in the past by more than one partner. I let the first one back in and she did it again. I've been waiting "for the other shoe to drop" in this marriage. It's time to move on.

submission thirty-two (32)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

The first time was when she had told me an ex was coming to town for his daughters birthday the same one that betrayed her lead her to believe he was single at the time now this was before we were married the early part of 2013 she told me of him coming to town but what made me feel something wasn't right we would talk after she would get off work and i was at work we both worked at the same place different shifts but that night was different we talked for a little while and all of a sudden she stopped i became concerned and decided to check on her at my lunch break where we worked was a matter of less than a mile to my surprise a vehicle was in her driveway from out side i tried calling no answer she worked 2 till 10:30 i worked 10:30 till 6am i heard noting till 8:00am that morning saying she fell asleep not knowing that i knew about the car which was her ex boyfriends car long story short that was one of many deceptions sense after we were married

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

Im feeling so many thing about this marriage as i said that was just one of many deceptions i feel like i have been taken for granted time after time when i found out i was in some what of a shock after telling me her story of how she had been treated i wanted and tried to let her know i will be there for her by the way she have four kids it was always my intentions to let her know that she and the kids were apart of my life and that i was going to do what ever it took to make this work for us all but it seemed things continuously took a turn for the worse

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

A great deal I've had many sleepless nights sometimes i don't eat i feel i just want to work and go home

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

I don't feel i have an outlet we tried counseling with our pastor she even lie to him on another situation went to counseling with her once but didn't think it was going to work because an incident occurred even before counseling

What are your next steps?: 

I feel this is really time to exit this marriage because it seems there's no end to things that keep happening this has took a toll on me dramatically i really wanted this to work but everytime i feel I'm going to give it a chance something else happens i have no trust in her when things happen she tries to justify it like oh it not as you think it is im to the point that i cannot go any further but she wants to make it work she loves me don't want to lose me and when i hear that i really don't know how to respond to it

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Afraid, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Taken advantage of

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Take your time get to know and grow with your partner

What else would you like to share?: 

I was hopeful wanted my relationship to grow things were like heaven at first things changed rapidly i tried to adjust i loved this woman with my whole heart i thought she had that same love for me but the things i went through she couldn't have get to know the person take time to know each other be friends be playful share things good or bad make each feel im here for you no matter what but when you feel things keep recurring your being lie to taken advantage of some times you just have to let go cut your losses and even though you've been in a bad relationship with someone who has treated so badly there's is light at the end of the tunnel there's someone out there who has been through just what you have experienced but give your self time for you let your heart and mind heal seek counseling for you so that the next experience of love will be a great one