Your Age: 51 +
Length of Relationship : 21 years or more
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months
How did you learn about it?: He had to tell me that he had tested positive for syphilis.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Heartbroken. Angry. And guilty, because at first I felt that much if the blame was mine. I was a bad wife, I was fat, I had become uninteresting, I had a low sex drive...I had somehow driven him to cheat. I am way past blaming myself now. Bad marriages cause divorces, not cheating. His choice to cheat really had very little to do with me at all.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: At first I didn't sleep. I stopped eating and lost about 20 pounds. I felt as though I was just drifting through my life, untethered and disconnected. I did my best to put on a brave face for my family and at work, but I think most people knew something was very wrong.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Couples therapy initially and individual therapy for me. I took a lot of walks, went to the beach, picked up extra hours at work to keep busy, started journaling. It worked, except when it didn't. I definitely still have moments of anger and grief over the loss of the relationship I thought I had.
What are your next steps?: Right now we are cohabitating but not living as a couple. We are saving money, possibly for a divorce. Ironically, we have not gotten along this well in a long time. I'm really not sure where we go from here- divorce, separation, stay married, ethical non-monogamy. I'm trying to take care of my own needs and can't think too far ahead.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed
What emotions are missing from the list?:
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: There is no blanket advice here as every situation is different, but if I had to offer anything, I'd say- take care of yourself. Eat, drink, sleep, shower, breathe. Find someone to talk to- friends are good but a therapist is better.
What else would you like to share?: