two hundred fifty one (251)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 1 - 2 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: Gut feeling. Then on confrontation he wanted out, and left.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Lost

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Couldn't even breathe.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Avoiding him with extreme difficulty. Its not working at all, I feel totally lost.

What are your next steps?: I don't know

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Heartbroken

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Don't love with all your heart.

What else would you like to share?:

two hundred fifty (250)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: I was setting something up on my wife’s phone and she received a Facebook message from an ex that she was the “other woman” to before we started dating. I opened the message and found a long history of explicit messages and images.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Numb, sad, angry, confused, betrayed, hurt.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Trouble focusing due to obsessing over what I found. Also drinking and smoking more pot than usual (I know, not a healthy response).

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I see a therapist on a regular basis but as this happened days ago haven’t had a chance to discuss yet.

What are your next steps?: Talk to my therapist. Hope to get my wife to try family. I know she’s been struggling with her mental lately but that doesn’t excuse her behavior.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Empty

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Don’t ever let your partner try to shift blame on to you.

What else would you like to share?: Help.

two hundred forty eight (248)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: I saw one of the women calling his phone

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Confused. I can't imagine staying with a liar and a cheater, but I also do not want to give up the life we have built. I have been a shell of myself. I feel like I am living with a stranger, like I am mourning a person who no longer exists

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I am sleeping more, my work is affected by my mood. I have been much less motivated to do things I normally do.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: We have begun therapy together but I am struggling to accept that I am willing to work on our relationship. It makes me feel weak and dependent.

What are your next steps?: I have no idea

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?:

What else would you like to share?:

two hundred forty seven (247)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: Spouse was drunk and told all about it proudly.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Worse than hurt, angry, confused and lonely

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Yes

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Nothing, it lives with me every second and every minute of every day 24/7!

What are your next steps?: I’m not sure.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Hurt and WHY

What advice would you give to others in this situation?:

What else would you like to share?:

two hundred forty six (246)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: I had a gut feeling and could not go to sleep. I could tell our dynamics in our relationship had changed recently and felt like something was up. So I looked through his phone, found that his best friend on Snapchat was a girl he worked with and then I woke up and questioned him about it.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: An immense amount of pain, betrayal, anger, hurt, and disgust. Still feeling the same but now more lost then ever. Feeling like I am currently in limbo and don’t know where to go from here or what to do.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Eating and sleeping have definitely changed

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Talking to a close friend. I’m not sure it is.

What are your next steps?: Trying to figure out if we’re going to stay together and work through this or if we can even get over this.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?:Disgust and lost

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: I try to stay calm even when you’re upset and get all of or whatever information you need to move on.

What else would you like to share?:

two hundred forty five (245)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: I first noticed him acting really strange and distant, always texting someone on his phone. I confronted him about it and he lied for several months until I finally got into his phone and discovered he had been talking nonstop to another woman, an online friend, and that he was hiding the fact that he was married to me from her. He deepened his relationship with her and hid it from me (poorly), lying constantly about it, until I discovered all the graphic sexting between them in a chat app he’d been hiding from me. That was about two months ago.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: The grief and anger was insane. Intense anxiety. I still get incredibly anxious thinking about it. He was my best friend in the world.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I lost 30 pounds from not eating anymore, I struggle terribly to focus on my work/career which used to bring me so much joy, and I started sleeping all of the time to avoid being conscious.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I recently started therapy, but it feels too soon to tell how it will affect me. I’ve journaled, but I often delete my entries because the thought of revisiting the experience triggers absolute misery for me. Nothing is working for me right now.

What are your next steps?: I wish I knew. I’m so scared. I want to fix this but I worry that he isn’t capable of being a better man. I’m trying to figure out if I can ever get over the lies. I probably can’t.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?:Anxious/Paranoid

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: It isn’t about you not being good enough. It wouldn’t have mattered if you were perfect. There’s something wrong with your partner/ex-partner.

What else would you like to share?:

two hundred forty four (244)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: Discovered it through her texts. She was planning a birthday trip on her birthday because my days off wouldn’t be approved as much.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Disappointed.
Depressed.
Sad.
Lack of concentration and focus.
Mixed feelings with her

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I stopped eating. I have trouble sleeping. Anxiety, distractions.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Reading. Talking to people, somehow communicating more with my spouse.

What are your next steps?: Either reconciling or divorce. I need her to be truly remorseful she needs to apologize. I moved away from her. I followed distance from her. It feels like there’s progress but she continues to “talk” to her guy because they’re “friends”. She doesn’t see the price that such friendship brought to OUR lives.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Sadness, Alone, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued

What emotions are missing from the list?:None

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Do what’s best for you and yourself only in this situation

What else would you like to share?:

tow hundred forty three (243)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : Less than 1 year

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: Found the girls number in his phone and a secret folder containing pictures. When I texted her she told me they slept together and sent me screen shots of their conversations.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Broken, hurt, confused, betrayed, stupid, weak, ugly

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Increased drinking, less sleeping, less determined in other daily activities, work suffers

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Drinking, talking to friends, trying to make plans for the future for myself.

Not really.

What are your next steps?: I don’t know. He’s begging me back. I still love him and don’t know what to do.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Betrayed, Devalued, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: I would have said to leave

two hundred forty two (242)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: I found a phone number in my car. I google the number and it was a prostitute.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I felt hurt, betrayed, and disgusted.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I feel like something's missing on the inside of me. Every now and then I tear up and feel a great loss.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Finding infidelity groups to vent. And it is working so far. But it's only been two days.

What are your next steps?: To keep busy. Focus on working and going back to school.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Sadness, Alone, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?:None

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: My advise would be to not be bitterly angry. Grieve the loss of the relationship then move on.

What else would you like to share?:

two hundred forty one (241)

Title: Still struggling

Your Story: Phillip's Bio Im a 42 year old father of 2 kids, daughter is 16 years old and my son is turning 3 in Feb 2022. I work in the agricultural industry for the past 11 years. I am married for 17 years, and are together for 20 years. We had a shaky start as my wife got pregnant before we got married with our first daughter. Our daughter had to be born on 7 months because my wife develop hypertension and the baby and her life was in danger. She only weight 570grams at birth, she only survived for 3 weeks. We got married in the hospital just before she was born. A year later Zoe was born and all went well. We were happy so I thought. Building up ours lifes from scratch to where we are having everything we dreamt of today. We had our ups and downs in the marriage going through financial difficulties and for me the normal issues we had. A lot of fights was because of money not moving fast enough forward in life for her. She has a very strong personality, and gets her way when she wants it, always wanting more, materialism means a lot to her as she grew up struggle to get by. I came from a more stable background and materialistic stuff don’t matter to me. About 10 years ago a day after a fight she met one of my friends and now her cousins husband at our home and they kissed. She came to me about two weeks after that and told me what happened. I was devastated and fell into depression. Had a lot of pressure to perform at work to earn money as it felt I cannot provide as she would like it to be. We went to counselling two or three times. Luckily I got the right help and got out of the depression. I started running again and felt good about myself, the marriage was still shaky but I thought thats life. Four years ago 2017, I trained for n big mountain race of 40 miles called the skyrun. I was really in good shape and good headspace. Unfortunately I got little support from my wife and the running actually irritated her. Things in our marriage got worse by the end of that year. Two weeks before my race she me told that she doesn’t want to be married anymore. That we do not fit as a couple and never had. I begged her to give us another chance. I finished the race and got back home preparing for the worst. She went on to see a therapist maybe two times. In this time she was flirting with a well build younger guy and said nothing was going on and that she only enjoys the attention. She stayed never telling me why she stayed. Later she told me that she was trying to look at my positive points to try to like me again. I stopped running spending more time at home. And so life went on both of us climbing the corporate ladder and fulfilling our(her) dreams. She got pregnant again and the son she so wanted to have was born in 2019. I thought this will maybe help in our marriage struggles having this baby in our lives. The first year and half went fearly well. Then by the end of 2020 by November/ Desember al wheels started to came off. She was more irritated with me than ever before. Snapping at me every occasion she got, I could not do anything right. I stayed defending myself, at one time told her to go for the perfect man she so despartly wanted. Never expecting anything, I went on being busy at work and life. Still taking shots from her. The first D day was on 20 Feb 2021 the night after my sons 2nd birthday party. We went in two separate cars. I came home after her before stopping for a snack at the shop. I came home and she was pulling out of the driveway. I stopped her and where she was going. Very rudely she said that she is going to the shop to buy stuff. I asked if I can come along, but she immediately said says going alone. Thats when something clicked in my head and that something was not right. After being paranoid my daughter came to me and told me that she was expecting that her mother was seeing and talking to this guy. I confronted her and she admitted that she only had an emotional affair with a married man. Starting off as friends from Oktober 2020 and they never had sex. I was devastated once again. I contacted him and told him to tell his wife. So he did. They were also married for 17 years. She was devastated. My wife said that she was sorry for the first week after d day. Then she started to say that we should have never been together and that the whole 17 years of marriage was bad and that she never wanted to be married to me. I tried everything, begging her to give us another chance, starting to change and over compensate. All she said was it was to little to late, that nothing I am going to do is going to change her mind. I could not eat, could not sleep I was a mess at work. Just before the end of April I decided maybe it was time to move forward still hoping for a miracle. In this time I had a friend in the ministry trying desperately to help me. I even had one session with him taking her with. But she was so hard and almost evil that nothing helped. The weekend before the end of April I planned to go out with work friends to try to see if I can get my mind off things and maybe move forward. The Friday at my work my phone rang and it was the affair partners wife telling me that they were seeing each other the whole time. I was devasted all over. I phoned her told her to meet me somewhere as I know now what was going on. I phoned the affair partner and cursed at him, but he only lied and said that they were friends. I met her at the filling station. I could see she was devastated. She disclosed that he told her that it was over between them and he cant do it to his family anymore. She told me to phone him so that we can get together to sort it out between the four of us. I phoned him and we met at his shop. On our way there I asked her if they had sex, she said yes about 4 times and ask me not to tell his wife. But she needed to know the truth and told her. There was a lot of disclosure in that session. But knowing that she doesn’t want me anymore, I said that it doesn’t matter and said I don’t want to hear anything anymore. We drove back with her sobbing about him leaving her. I said to her that I am not coming home. Just as I climbed out of her car, she grabbed my arm and beg me to give her another chance. As there was still a bit of hope I went home with her. That night she disclosed everything I wanted to know. Maybe I should not have asked so much as the pictures of them having sex is haunting me every day. It was a weekend of hell. I phoned the affair partner the Monday before work and asked him to leave my wife alone now. He said he would. She phoned me and asked if she can phone him one last time to get closure. I agreed. She sent me message of how sorry she were and how she was looking forward to a new life with me. I was like a crazy detective the whole time. She went to a therapist once a week trying to heal her broken heart. Two weeks after the hell of a weekend she came to me one morning before work, and told me that he phoned her again three days after the weekend and that they had contact again only over the phone. She told him the day before that she cant carry on like this anymore and wants to fix her marriage and he must leave her alone. At that stage I grabbed at every hope there was. I said that it was ok but any contact further on and I am leaving. That’s 8 months ago. In this time up until now I went through all the emotions of distrust anger, rage towards the affair partner, checking her up all the time. In August when I was away with my daughter for a sports event she unblocked his number on her phoned and I could see it when I returned. I confronted her and she denied it and told me truth about it a month ago. I caught her on his facebook page in Oktober, checking it constantly for two weeks. I confronted her again and said I was over reacting and it was nothing major. She constantly tell me to get over it. I cant talk to her about how I feel, she say that she wants to move forward and not to be reminded of him. I this time she also say that half of what happened was my fault and that I didn’t treat her good and that her needs were not met. She really pretends that nothing happened. I can see that she tries treat me better and talks to me in a loving way. But get super defensive when I have questions about how she feels. At one stage she told me that she will fake it until she makes it. We had a couple of good times and then hope arises again, but the triggers and stuff she sometimes say is putting me back again. I asked her once if I leave now if she would fight for me. She told me if I want to leave I can leave. The other time she said she wants to feel about me as she feld about the affair partner. I am so confussed.