one hundred two (102)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: We had gone away for the weekend to a cabin. When we got back, I received screenshots from the affair partner telling me she felt I should know that he was “living a double life”.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: The past year and a half have been incredible difficult. Initially it was shock. He moved out of the house and then returned, only to leave again two months later. The roller coaster has made it very difficult to feel like I was moving forward.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I lost 25 pounds in about 6 weeks last summer. Sleep and appetite are slowly getting back to normal.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Exercise, therapy, time with friends, focusing on raising my son. Is it working? Not every moment, no. But, I see slow improvements.

What are your next steps?: Divorce will be finalized by Jan 1, 2020. Looking forward to the next stage of the journey - healing.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?: Humbled. My reaction has not always been pretty or my proudest moments. Life has humbled me.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: You will get through it, even if there are backslides.

What else would you like to share?:

one hundred one (101)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: She told me about 3 months ago, but the more we go into depth this started way before. What hurts the most is that this man is married, he’s about 15 years older than her and has kids as old as her (she’s 24)

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I felt destroyed when she told me, we were closing on our house together, the next step was to ask her to marry me

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: There’s days I don’t sleep or eat at all, I’ve lost 60lbs since she told me

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: We’re going to weekly netting’s with our church, prayer and trying to talk about the situations that have let up to.
The prayers and going to church are, the talking not so much as she doesn’t open up to me and there are certain things that make her feel like I’m attacking her which I have to end up apologizing because I don’t want her to feel like she can’t talk to me

What are your next steps?: We’ve made a commitment for one year, going to our weekly meetings, praying together. I want to continue my life with her but she’s the one on the fence about it.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Anxiety, depression

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Don’t walk away from the situation with out getting your closure, it will keep you feeling insecure about yourself and you will carry those wounds into other relationships

What else would you like to share?: I still love her, we have a daughter together, we’ve been through so much this past 8.5 years together. We were high school sweethearts.
One day she did tell me that she felt like I hated her for what’s going on and I told her on the contrary I love her and I have so much love for her. I want us to be ok and see this a a test that needs to be passed. If we do end up staying together, lesson learn, forgive and move on, don’t bring it back up or throw it in your partners face.

one hundred (100)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : Less than 1 year

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: strong gut instincts (married 34 yrs...I know him well), followed by a great deal of tech stalking on my own, an email chain and ultimately a call from HER spouse, (who was also stalking)

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: When I found out: total devastation, he lost his 36 yr career as she was a co-worker, our grown sons had to find out because she is an elected official in a small town...I was totally destroyed, lost, confused, filled with worry, fear and anxiety 
How I feel now: still a bit fearful, even though he has done everything possible in an attempt to restore our marriage, anxious still at times, sleepless still at times, and unfortunately still stalking her as I’m afraid to stop.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I lost 25 pounds...so eating is hard...cannot sleep without a sleep aid, increased social media stalking, my spouse and I now talk close to 10 times per day during the work hours, we do not go to bed without the other. I, also am more patient with him, much more compassion between the two of us. We go to bed together and get up together.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Online therapies, wonderful friends, yoga.
I also have a high profile job, so I try to be 100% present during my work.
Is it working? Very slowly, maybe

What are your next steps?: Slow steady recovery...increased 1:1 time with my spouse to include travel, dinners, theatre, netflix :)

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?: Anxiety, stress,

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Breathe...long cleansing breathing...then speak. Try not to make it the focus of conversation, (very hard) be open with your spouse if the goal is to remain together. Every time you have a strong trigger, share the trigger..even if by text, with your spouse. Find a friend you trust, rid yourself of anyone who makes you fell judged. You need support, this is about you and your marriage..not anyone else...focus on it. Begin to recognize the small areas you can improve, but don’t lose sight that you did not cause this.

What else would you like to share?:

ninety-nine (99)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: She told me about it. She had been at a weekend conference where she had sex with a man she had been secretly meeting with for the last six months. She only told me because she was afraid she might had contracted an STI and didn’t want me to become infected.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I was completely devastated. She had never had sex with anyone else. My whole world completely fell apart. I lost 10 lbs in about 3 weeks. I couldn’t concentrate or think clearly. We had been married for 19 years.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Difficult to sleep. Appetite disappeared for the first two months.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Prayer. Couples therapy. Journaling. 
They have all been helpful.

What are your next steps?: We are going to stay married. I have too much invested in this relationship to leave.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: You will survive this. What was meant for evil can turn out for good.

What else would you like to share?:

ninety-eight (98)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: Texts

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Empty

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Irregular

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Binging on netflix. And no

What are your next steps?: Go for volunteer work

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Sadness, Alone, Voiceless, Replaced, Devalued, Invisible

What emotions are missing from the list?: Empty

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Be on your guard

What else would you like to share?:

ninety-seven (97)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: He sat me down and told me.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: At first I was in shock - couldn't eat or sleep for about a month, just going through the motions to keep my kids alive, crying whenever they weren't looking. Now things are "better" but I live inside my head more than I did before the affair. I'm always thinking about it and trying to figure out how to move on. I know I haven't forgiven him yet so I'm hoping I can do that sometime soon.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I rarely sleep through the night now, and I used to just fine. I'm less trusting of people and more suspicious of motives or lying. I feel very high maintenance when I make requests if my husband (like oh no what if I'm being so difficult that he leaves me again).

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Trying to focus more on my relationship with God. We need marriage counseling though.

What are your next steps?: Find a marriage counselor or preferably a married couple to counsel us. I'm sick of dudes telling me how I should be feeling, so I'd like a woman to be involved.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Find a really good support system. I have three really good friends I can talk about this stuff with. Everyone else in my life has been lied to by my husband so I can't really talk to them without having to hide stuff. That is exhausting.

What else would you like to share?:

ninety-six (96)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: Spouse confessed

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Devastated. Shocked. I couldn’t believe that my spouse, who always conveyed concern, could have an affair with someone 22 years his junior. The worst part is that at first I was told that they were married. I found out by accident 9 months later that it was an affair

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I have trouble sleeping.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I diarize my thought and feelings. We’ve been for counseling. We’ve done workshops. 
It doesn’t seem to be working for me

What are your next steps?: I am not sure. At first I thought that I wanted to stay married and that that was what I wanted. 
I’m having doubts that that’s what is best for me

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Afraid, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?:

What else would you like to share?: The multiple lies that were fed to me all became too much to endure. I uncovered the truth piecemeal by myself, not because my spouse was truthful.

ninety-five (95)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: Overheard phone conversation from nearby room, as spouse was telling a friend.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Foolish for being duped by my trusted spouse since I could have been with someone else that wanted to be my spouse. When it happened I was and still am broken hearted.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Sometimes I sleep less and other times I sleep too much. I overeat. I am now more involved with my religion and more prayerful. I spend more time out of my house to avoid my spouse.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Praying to God and it gives me peace.

What are your next steps?: Just waiting to be served a divorce document being filed by my spouse.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Replaced, Betrayed

What emotions are missing from the list?:Foolishness and now incapable of having affection for my spouse.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Do what ever it takes to keep your spouse and children closer to God. Wondering if that would have made my spouse capable of feeling shame.

What else would you like to share?: I have for many years suspected my spouse is bi-polar , and now an alcoholic with cancer.And now my mother-in-law suffers from terminal A.L.S. which causes my spouse to be angry and hateful of me.

ninety-four (94)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: He confessed but I was suspicious about his behaviour related to a drug relapse

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Devastated. We’ve moved through it and are still together but there is a constant nagging sadness inside

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I haven’t slept through the night in months

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I’ve always used marijuana, which is legal where I live, but am definitely smoking more. I have also been smoking cigarettes again which I had quit for about three years prior. Drinking a bit more too.

What are your next steps?: We have now decided to seek counselling. It felt like we tried to just sweep it under the rug and move on until a big blow out over nothing led to it all flooding out again.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Betrayed, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?:Confused

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Follow your gut and do what you believe is best for you

What else would you like to share?: Everyone thinks they know what they would do if they were cheated on but when you’re confronted with infidelity it’s never as black and white as you think it would be.

ninety-three (93)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: He woke up one morning (august 5th) and said he felt we needed to legally separate. He started hanging with "friends" that he never hung with a lot and was pulling away from me. I had asked several times along with his family members if there was someone else. He always told us no. on Sep 1st, I remembered his facebook account was linked to my email, so I got in there. And found messages between him and his friends girlfriend about the other woman who was also the friends ex girlfriend (the friend and other woman also have a child together). The message stated that they looked so cute together and fit well together. He still denied it when I showed him I had proof. Finally on Sep 6th, he told me the truth. The affair lasted maybe 2 weeks.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I'm still very angry. My life has been completely uprooted for myself and my kids and she walks around like she did nothing wrong. We are trying to work things out, but he is something else. He says he is gun shy on opening up completely to me because of how we were in a rut before everything happened. But he is home.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: yes. barely eat. can't sleep.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I'm going to a therapist. I vent. I try to talk to my husband. I dont think so. I'm still so angry and hurt.

What are your next steps?: I want to work things out with my husband. I know mistakes happen. But he is so hesitant on moving forward.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Strong, Voiceless, Betrayed, Devalued

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?:

What else would you like to share?: Before the affair, we had hit a rut. I never wanted to go anywhere. I wanted to be home a lot. I get that was a mistake. And I know I should not always put my kids before my marriage. But he is the one that had the affair, so why is he so hesitant about repairing what he broke?