Your Age: 51 +
Length of Relationship : Less than 1 year
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months
How did you learn about it?: strong gut instincts (married 34 yrs...I know him well), followed by a great deal of tech stalking on my own, an email chain and ultimately a call from HER spouse, (who was also stalking)
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: When I found out: total devastation, he lost his 36 yr career as she was a co-worker, our grown sons had to find out because she is an elected official in a small town...I was totally destroyed, lost, confused, filled with worry, fear and anxiety
How I feel now: still a bit fearful, even though he has done everything possible in an attempt to restore our marriage, anxious still at times, sleepless still at times, and unfortunately still stalking her as I’m afraid to stop.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I lost 25 pounds...so eating is hard...cannot sleep without a sleep aid, increased social media stalking, my spouse and I now talk close to 10 times per day during the work hours, we do not go to bed without the other. I, also am more patient with him, much more compassion between the two of us. We go to bed together and get up together.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Online therapies, wonderful friends, yoga.
I also have a high profile job, so I try to be 100% present during my work.
Is it working? Very slowly, maybe
What are your next steps?: Slow steady recovery...increased 1:1 time with my spouse to include travel, dinners, theatre, netflix :)
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed, Relieved
What emotions are missing from the list?: Anxiety, stress,
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Breathe...long cleansing breathing...then speak. Try not to make it the focus of conversation, (very hard) be open with your spouse if the goal is to remain together. Every time you have a strong trigger, share the trigger..even if by text, with your spouse. Find a friend you trust, rid yourself of anyone who makes you fell judged. You need support, this is about you and your marriage..not anyone else...focus on it. Begin to recognize the small areas you can improve, but don’t lose sight that you did not cause this.
What else would you like to share?: