three hundred ninety (390)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: I found texts on spouses phone. Affair had been going on for years

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: It feels like my whole life is a lie

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Not sleeping well

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I have been trying to get off mind. Spouse assures me it has been over for past two years

What are your next steps?: Dont know

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Is revenge an emotion?

three hundred eighty nine (389)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: Found a video of him receiving oral sex from his ex mother in law who has additional learning needs.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Sick to the stomach.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I'm up at 2am writing this, nearly 19 months on.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?:Anridepressanrs, counselling, hypnotherapy.

What are your next steps?: Hoping time will heal. Trying to access more counselling.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Betrayed, Devalued

What emotions are missing from the list?: Feeling stupid, I would never have guessed.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Run.

What else would you like to share?: If it wasn't for my kids loving him so much and the physical upheaval, id be gone.

three hundred eighty eight (388)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 1 - 2 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: I had suspicions around a girl he recently got back in contact with due to training to be a teacher. I told him about them and he said I was "making a mountain out of a mole hill" I looked on his laptop one night and saw all the explicit messages dating back months

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I felt heartbroken, worthless, like a complete mug. We are still trying to work on things but I think I can't trust him. He has a lot of "close" female friends through work or his training who he talks to constantly. I don't know how to feel sometimes. Some days I don't think about and other days I feel like it's all I can think about and feel betrayed all over again. I've started having nightmares about it. What hurts the most is the lies he told and how he mad me think I was going crazy.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I didn't eat and I still have trouble sleeping.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I try to distract myself when I start thinking about what happened.

What are your next steps?: Try and work through it. He knows what he did was wrong and is trying to do his best to show me it won't happen again but I'm still trying to process how I'm feeling about the situation

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed, Sadness, Anger, Alone

What emotions are missing from the list?: Anxiety

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Follow your gut. If you feel something isn't right then your probably right

three hundred eighty seven (387)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: Both times, the other girls told me via messaging.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.:Incredulous. Our connection was deep, spanning almost two dozen countries, a close death in each of our families, got through the first cheating incident (that I knew of)… how was it possible for him to risk it all again? This was his pattern before me and I had to get out because he still didn’t want to break up, he wanted to keep doing this to me for a lifetime. He pushed for a family to lock me in.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: For a while, I drank a lot. Now I don’t drink at all. For a while, I openly partied which made him inexplicably jealous and judgmental. Now I totally isolate and trust no one. I quickly jumped into two very serious relationships then sabotaged them. Three years later and I’ve tried various ways of coping but I wouldn’t say any of them have worked or been healing. Including antidepressants and therapy.

What are your next steps?: Wait. For my eyes to stop tearing up when a memory crosses my mind. To stop feeling like I’ve been punched in the gut and double over with physical pain that takes my breath away when a memory takes me by surprise. Wait. To stop being afraid to trust anyone again, ever.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Weak. Resigned. Changed. Broken.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Millennials and younger need to accept, predict, that our relationships aren’t permanent like previous generations. Therefore, don’t go all in, protect yourself. Recognize it’s statistically probable that you’ll have 3-4 significant others in your lifetime that will serve you both for a particular part of your journey and that’s ok. It’s the new normal.

What else would you like to share?: Being hot doesn’t protect you from being cheated on. Neither does being smart and funny. Being cheated on is what happens when you’ve trusted someone who doesn’t have the self esteem to appreciate what they have… they need to continuously prove to themselves that they’re desirable and can get attention. Their drive to have their ego stroked is stronger than what feels like genuine love to you. It’s truly not you, it’s them. Look at how you could have been a better partner so you can be better next time, look at the signs so you can choose better next time, but don’t take responsibility for someone else’s choice to hurt you. Don’t criticize yourself into the ground for their insecurity. Figure out who you really are with or without them and be proud of that person. Make the person who remains your best friend, love that person because it’s the only person who will always be with you no matter what.

three hundred eighty six (386)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: I had the urge to check his phone and found messages

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I feel enraged, heartbroken, humiliated, unworthy, exhausted

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Not eating, not sleeping, rage, outbursts of crying, racing thoughts, chest pain,

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?:Trying to lean in to my emotions and not suppress them

What are your next steps?: Therapy

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed, Relieved

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Find support

What else would you like to share?: I am so sorry to anyone feeling this way. All your emotions are valid. I love you and things will get better.

three hundred eighty five (385)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : Less than 1 year

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: By searching her phone

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I feel like I'm stupid

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Eating and being moody

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?:Music

What are your next steps?: Forgiveness

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Sadness, Alone, Betrayed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Being stupid

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Take care

What else would you like to share?: Nothing for now

three hundred eighty four (384)

Title: Affaire

Your Story: I am married for 16 years and have a affaire with another married man and He is younger than me we both don't want to stop but when we think of the consequences that is very hart breaking and we have very strong feelings for each other He already use the L word I don't find my husband attractive anymore he is very fat but a very good person with a big heart if I do the right thing how do I forget the other person and get rid of the feelings I have for Him that is my difficult part the feelings I have develop for Him

three hundred eighty three (383)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: They were caught by family members and given an ultimatum

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I’m devastated. My husband cheated on my with his best friends wife who is also a very close friend of mine.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Not eating and not sleeping

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?:Struggling to cope.

What are your next steps?: Day by day. He is in a hotel.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Manipulated, stupid, naive, disgusted

What advice would you give to others in this situation?:

What else would you like to share?: I have three young children and my life is in tatters

three hundred eighty two (382)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: I caught him in a lie. He said he was going to a concert and I couldn't remember where he said it was. We share locations. When I checked his, he was in another town at an apartment complex.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I want to work through things but he's not sure what he wants. I feel so embarrassed. Don't I value myself more than this? I shouldn't want to be with someone who clearly has chosen not to be with me. I shouldn't be sitting around waiting to hear if he wants to change his mind. Where the fuck has my power gone?

I feel so alone. I don't want to tell anyone what happened. I know there isn't a person who loves me who wouldn't tell me to leave if they knew. But I don't believe people are black and white like that and I want to believe my partner can change and can want to work with me to fix what broke so badly that he went to fulfill his needs somewhere else. I don't want to tell anyone so they won't hate him. And so they won't judge me for staying. And it just leaves me all alone with all of this.

If I'm being real with myself, I know that if we stay together this will happen again. Can anyone ever change? Can he find a way to break the pattern and to choose what I choose--to be with him and work together on us--every day?

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I hardly eat at the moment. I'm sleeping poorly but I'm getting sleep. I'm smoking a lot of cigarettes.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I'm journalling and I'm taking a lot of time to sit with how I'm feeling and be present for those moments.

What are your next steps?: He's seeing a therapist. I'm going to see one too but it's almost a month away.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Hopeful, Longing

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Let people who love you show up to love you. I wish I wasn't lying to my people.

What else would you like to share?: We bought a house together. We moved across the country. We're engaged.

three hundred eighty one (381)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: I Suspected when he started working late and was on the phone more than usual. He cheated before so when I saw what seemed familiar I knew and tracked his phone.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I feel ashamed for forgiving him previously. I feel like I should have left when I was stronger financially to do so.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: No sleep, no appetite I feel like none of that matters.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I have 2 teenage daughters, I try to remain strong for them. They don’t know what’s happening. It’s crushing me inside to pretend that all is normal. We went counseling several times it didn’t help.

What are your next steps?: I’ve previously done lots of homework on divorce and it wasn’t an answer for me and the kids, at the moment I just feel numb.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Sadness, Afraid, Betrayed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Denial about the signs I previously saw.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: If someone repeatedly cheats there’s a very slim chance that he/she will stop.

What else would you like to share?: When you have a chance to walk away and change your life and start afresh then do that before it’s too late. It gets complicated whenkids are old.