Your Age: 31-40
Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)
How did you learn about it?: I caught him in a lie. He said he was going to a concert and I couldn't remember where he said it was. We share locations. When I checked his, he was in another town at an apartment complex.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I want to work through things but he's not sure what he wants. I feel so embarrassed. Don't I value myself more than this? I shouldn't want to be with someone who clearly has chosen not to be with me. I shouldn't be sitting around waiting to hear if he wants to change his mind. Where the fuck has my power gone?
I feel so alone. I don't want to tell anyone what happened. I know there isn't a person who loves me who wouldn't tell me to leave if they knew. But I don't believe people are black and white like that and I want to believe my partner can change and can want to work with me to fix what broke so badly that he went to fulfill his needs somewhere else. I don't want to tell anyone so they won't hate him. And so they won't judge me for staying. And it just leaves me all alone with all of this.
If I'm being real with myself, I know that if we stay together this will happen again. Can anyone ever change? Can he find a way to break the pattern and to choose what I choose--to be with him and work together on us--every day?
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I hardly eat at the moment. I'm sleeping poorly but I'm getting sleep. I'm smoking a lot of cigarettes.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I'm journalling and I'm taking a lot of time to sit with how I'm feeling and be present for those moments.
What are your next steps?: He's seeing a therapist. I'm going to see one too but it's almost a month away.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed
What emotions are missing from the list?: Hopeful, Longing
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Let people who love you show up to love you. I wish I wasn't lying to my people.
What else would you like to share?: We bought a house together. We moved across the country. We're engaged.