Your Age: 31-40
Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago
How did you learn about it?: Both times, the other girls told me via messaging.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.:Incredulous. Our connection was deep, spanning almost two dozen countries, a close death in each of our families, got through the first cheating incident (that I knew of)… how was it possible for him to risk it all again? This was his pattern before me and I had to get out because he still didn’t want to break up, he wanted to keep doing this to me for a lifetime. He pushed for a family to lock me in.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: For a while, I drank a lot. Now I don’t drink at all. For a while, I openly partied which made him inexplicably jealous and judgmental. Now I totally isolate and trust no one. I quickly jumped into two very serious relationships then sabotaged them. Three years later and I’ve tried various ways of coping but I wouldn’t say any of them have worked or been healing. Including antidepressants and therapy.
What are your next steps?: Wait. For my eyes to stop tearing up when a memory crosses my mind. To stop feeling like I’ve been punched in the gut and double over with physical pain that takes my breath away when a memory takes me by surprise. Wait. To stop being afraid to trust anyone again, ever.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed
What emotions are missing from the list?: Weak. Resigned. Changed. Broken.
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Millennials and younger need to accept, predict, that our relationships aren’t permanent like previous generations. Therefore, don’t go all in, protect yourself. Recognize it’s statistically probable that you’ll have 3-4 significant others in your lifetime that will serve you both for a particular part of your journey and that’s ok. It’s the new normal.
What else would you like to share?: Being hot doesn’t protect you from being cheated on. Neither does being smart and funny. Being cheated on is what happens when you’ve trusted someone who doesn’t have the self esteem to appreciate what they have… they need to continuously prove to themselves that they’re desirable and can get attention. Their drive to have their ego stroked is stronger than what feels like genuine love to you. It’s truly not you, it’s them. Look at how you could have been a better partner so you can be better next time, look at the signs so you can choose better next time, but don’t take responsibility for someone else’s choice to hurt you. Don’t criticize yourself into the ground for their insecurity. Figure out who you really are with or without them and be proud of that person. Make the person who remains your best friend, love that person because it’s the only person who will always be with you no matter what.