Your Age: 31-40
Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months
How did you learn about it?: Basically as soon as he started working with her things began falling apart between us. He desperately couldn’t imagine a life where we weren’t all friends. I asked for some strong boundaries because he refused to give up his new friendship. He called me controlling and that I was trying to isolate him (though his other female friend I didn’t have an issue with). They went on a work trip and I found out they had arranged to sit next to each other of every leg of the flight…there and back. Then he announced he was going to dinner with her 1:1 despite this being very against the rules we had agreed on. Of then the next night they did it again because no one else on the trip wanted to join. How odd. They both spent about 8 months gaslighting me (oh yea, we all work in the same building and I get to walk by the room they work in every day). He came back from his trip and I demanded MC and IC for him. He fought me tooth and nail but finally agreed because I told him I didn’t feel safe closing on a house with him in a week otherwise. He told me 13 days after we closed that he had feelings for her and had told her. Asked me for ‘space’ and then basically jerked me around horribly and told me he was choosing her and wanted to separate. Two weeks goes by, his wedding ring is off and he is ruthlessly pursuing her. All right in front of me because I have to go to work too. Then they were suddenly horrified when they got discovered multiple times and he has been faking attempts at R with me. Wants to come around but refuses to give up calling her several times a day and working with her. Says it is too much change for him. Hahaha. No one asked me if I was ready for the amount of change he gifted me. The attempts at fake R have really burned me. Especially still seeing them flirting at work. He is severely addicted to the EA with her but swears he has given up the PA. I know it’s about him, but he refuses to get help and get healthy so despite wanting to work on things with him I can’t because he refuses to do any meaningful work. Though I enjoyed a brief period of lovebombing with trips and presents :-).
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Gut wrenched. Like I was being eviscerated and throwing up my organs at the same time. Now, I okayish. I have been in therapy for nearly a year and I was doing really well when he was off living in his crappy apartment having his affair. Now that I kinda let him back it has messed with me a bit and I noticed myself regressing back into betrayal trauma behaviors. So I am choosing my health and moving forward even though it hurts.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Yes. I have a lot more free time now than I used to when I was constantly trying to meet his needs. Now I cook, clean, or okay video games when I want to and not on anyone else’s schedule. It really messed me up for awhile though. I lost about 30 lbs in las many days…so I look stinking amazing now and am my ideal weight.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I talk to friends a lot. Go to support group, therapy, pray, walk, play video games. Some days it is more effective than others.
What are your next steps?: Accept that I need to file for divorce.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Empowered, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Cornered/Forced
What emotions are missing from the list?: Anxious - hard core anxiety
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Feel the pain when it’s there, but don’t allow yourself to get stuck and wallow too long. If you want your spouse back grow self respect earlier rather than later. For some reason as soon as you tell them you want out, they freak out and try to come back.
What else would you like to share?: It’s always hard to know how it’s going to turn out but I wish I’d just divorced him right away. Then I’d be free and probably dating already. At least the weather has turned cold now and I’m parking inside my garage at my new house and he is at his crappy apartment scraping his windshield every morning. Also… visit affairrecovery.com for really helpful information on healing yourself or your marriage.