one hundred forty one (141)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: I discovered text messages and a dating app on his phone

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I feel like I need to read everything he has ever sent to another woman and like I can never trust him again. Every time he gets a message I feel as if I need to check, every time he goes out I need to know where he is and I have this fear of finding out he is meeting up with someone during tge day when he is out working especially since he is a contractor worker and works at different customers during each day.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I am struggling to sleep properly and I am not eating well

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I am reading articles on how to move forward but still have all these doubts in my mind

What are your next steps?: I think I need to see a psychologist to help me work through the betrayal and work on my marriage

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Afraid, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Devastated

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: I don't know yet

What else would you like to share?:

one hundred forty (140)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: He told me he cheated on me before we were married. Several times. With men.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I was distraught. I'm horrified. Lost.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: No.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I try not to think about it. I try to be strong for our daughter. I cry every day when no one is looking.

What are your next steps?: I don't know. He now tells me he is gay.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Disrespected

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Run like hell.

What else would you like to share?: I can't leave. I don't want to ruin my young daughter's life. I am too old to start over. I have no support and am too ashamed to tell anyone.

one hundred thirty nine (139)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: I found more than 100 photos of her in his phone. He confessed everything over the following 2 weeks.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: When I found out, I had shock, terror, I was furious, hurt, devastated, broken. Now, 5 weeks out, I feel angry, sad, hurt, not trusting, hopeful, suspicious.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Not eating often, sleep was impossible for days after.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Therapy, individual and couple, havening to help with the anguish. Talking to my husband about the affair and how of affected my sense of safety, protection, trust, love.

What are your next steps?: Continue therapy, continue talking. Parent our children. Nurture our marriage.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Empowered, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Trust your gut if you feel like something is wrong. I felt “off” for the entire time that the affair was going on. Listen to your partner. If they are remorseful you will know.

What else would you like to share?:

one hundred thirty eight (138)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: I was cleaning out a cupboard at home and came across hotel receipts, listing my husband and an unknown woman to me sharing a hotel room. Same woman, same hotel, several receipts over several months. He had lied about business trips, very cliched.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I found out about this 4 months ago. Initially I felt shocked, numb and in disbelief. However it soon sank in and then I felt foolish, blaming myself for not seeing the signs and also for being so trusting. My mood and emotions were all over the place, depressed, anxious, flat, angry. I'm now feeling more stable in my mood, not so labile in my emotions. I think I'm moving towards acceptance, I have more "good" days, I don't feel so angry and I no longer blame myself. I feel sad the relationship ended the way it did, but I'm glad I found out and took the steps I did because he was never going to admit to it.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Initially, insomnia, bad dreams, poor appetite.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Lots of support from friends, work, counselling, exercise. Watching comedy and trash tv, keeping a diary.

What are your next steps?: As soon as I found the evidence I confronted him and asked him to leave. We've formally separated and I am planning to divorce him asap.
I'm moving closer to my friends and work.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Afraid, Strong, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?: Anxiety, numbness

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Reach out for support, don't carry this alone. It can help to talk to friends, people you trust, they care and want to help. I also attended professional counselling for a few months and this was so helpful in helping to my repair my self esteem and vonfidence

What else would you like to share?: Take each day at a time. Be kind to yourself and remember you're an amazing person that didn't deserve to be in this situation. You will recover, reach out for support and help if you're feeling overwhelmed.

one hundred thirty seven (137)

Title: Hollywood Could Not Have Even Written This Betrayal

Your Story: 28 year marriage. Two amazing daughters. Roll the clock back two years my wife lost her Mom. One year ago she lost her Dad. Things were rough. I had a difficult time connecting with her. She was drinking. She was angry. She had PTSD from extreme grieving. She limped home four times with a smashed car. All were alcohol related yet none involved police, injury or third party damage that I am aware of. She drank often and started hiding the bottles and cans of wine. About the time Covid began she started disappearing for a night or two a week at girlfriends places. She needed her space so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Soon things stopped adding up. She was not where she said she was. There was an Amazon package which she opened in front of me containing mens underwear. She said they were for me. She’d never bought me underwear even during the good times. The kids were suspicious of her whereabouts and started asking me if I believed her stories. I asked her if she was cheating and she always insisted no. I saw her driving a few times in opposite directions when I was going to work 25 miles from home. She had a story for all of them. I got a toll notice in the mail for a bridge she crossed 90 miles north of home. There were six others in the database paid by her. She was clearly lying and starting to crumble. I could not take it anymore so I pulled the phone records. An hour in it was obvious that she was talking to somebody 10 times a day for months. The area code was near Sacramento. I live in Monterey Bay. The times she said she was at friends houses her phone was making calls from the Sacramento area. One off numbers she called during those times were to cheap motels. I paid to identify the owner of the number she called and texted hundreds of times. It was a 24 year old kid. I called the number. He answered. I asked if he was screwing my wife. He said nothing and handed the phone off. My wife got on the line. Said she was having dinner with just a friend and she’d be back tomorrow. I hung up. She called me back three or four times to try to determine what I knew. He texted me to apologize that he is not a home wrecker, he thought our marriage was over, etc. The next day I pulled phone records within the hour. Her number was calling his but they were now both in my neighborhood. A one off number was to a cheap motel a mile from my house. I did a drive by that evening and as I pulled into the parking lot she was getting out of her car with a bag of groceries and flowers. He was getting out of the passenger side. I confronted them. My wife was stone cold shocked. I asked her why and he got in my face and ended up cold cocking me. I got in my car and backed out to the gas station across the street with a bloody lip. I called the cops who showed up immediately. As I explained the situation to the cops my wife and her lover pulled out of the motel parking lot. I told the cops that’s them. They gave chase but lost them. I drove home broken but had affirmative confirmation. A few days later my wife showed up at home with a girlfriend to get some belongings. The girlfriend was there because my wife claims I threatened her and her lover at the motel. A few days after that she told me she got an apartment and word on the street is that he shacked up with her. My kids have not spoken to her for a month. She called me recently crying. She was drunk. He came up on her during the call and blew a gasket when he found out my wife had me on the line. He even tried to kiss her while I was on the line. “I love kissing you”, he said. A couple days later she told me he is no longer in her life. She is still drinking. She is starting to break because she realizes that she betrayed our children and me in a huge way. I am waiting for her to hit rock bottom. I have been stoic, forgiving, kind and staying on the high road. She has called me, texted me and emailed me but yet to take responsibility. Her window to begin repair is drastically shrinking. She needs alcohol treatment. Her friends are telling her she that she has made a huge mistake. I and my girls have been absolutely betrayed by my wife of 28 years whom needs to get help soon or she will self destruct. I am done with this marriage and look forward to my life a year or two from now.

one hundred thirty six (136) [Warning: Story of a Cheater]

Title: I was unfaithful

Your Story: I’m 32, married for 2 years to my husband who I’ve been with for about 8 years. He is amazing- handsome, very loyal and hard working. Patient. It wasn’t enough for me. I have always been very impulsive and sought validation from men- I’ve never had a consistent male presence in my life. My dad left when I was 3, battled addiction his whole life and passed away 6 years ago. 

I started a new role at a great company last March 11of 2019. What began as a great rapport turned into friendship. Few years older, also married; new dad to a 2 month old at the time. Similar background, just overall lots to bond over. I leaned over his desk one day and said let’s go for a drink, what’s the worst that can happen? We both cite that as the biggest misstep we could’ve taken. We went for a drink, kept drinking and finding more commonalities; “don’t you hate when X does Y?” 

We kissed. We more than kissed. It happened very quickly. The more we spent time together after work, the harder it became to stop. Didn’t help I saw him daily. He was always in the forefront of my mind. Things progressed and at one point came to a halt after a blowout argument; albeit a mere 2 - 3 week halt. It felt like a lifetime. I withdrew more and more from my husband, he from his wife. Sex with our spouses was infrequent; boring and a chore compared to with each other. Resentment grew when occasions with our spouses came up; how dare you spend time with your own family over me. You slept with him/her? It started to feel like it was us cheating on each other as opposed to the obvious us cheating on them. We’ve endured birthdays, anniversaries, mothers and fathers days. It’s now been almost a year and a half of this- it is taking a toll. My mental health has disintegrated. He says the same of his wife. My husband is so worried. I don’t sleep, have panic attacks. How do I leave this man who has become all I know? How do I unlearn this love and fall back in love with my husband who deserves more of a woman I am capable of being? Why am I so shit? Why did I break my vows? I’m sorry if this is incoherent. I’ve never written this all down before. I wish this never happened. Now things are coming to a head and we know it is high fucking time we break it off. It seems impossible. Jealousy is crippling and the thought of him with her turns my stomach. The sight of myself in the mirror lately does the same. How can I be so selfish? What the fuck did I do to these lives involved? What now? Pretend nothing happened and all of a sudden be a good wife? I’m just confused.

one hundred thirty five (135)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: Saw a text on his phone

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Still horrified. I didn't even think about an affair, thought it was a drug dealer

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: EVERYTHING has changed. I am a shell of who I used to be

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Therapy, recognizing that infidelity is abuse

What are your next steps?: Leaving the cheater

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Hurt

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Leave. They are horrible and will never change

What else would you like to share?:

one hundred forty six (146)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: Saw a text on his phone

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Still horrified. I didn't even think about an affair, thought it was a drug dealer

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: EVERYTHING has changed. I am a shell of who I used to be

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Therapy, recognizing that infidelity is abuse

What are your next steps?: Leaving the cheater

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Hurt

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Leave. They are horrible and will never change

What else would you like to share?:

one hundred thirty four (134)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: I found out myself, I saw the messages he sent to his lovers.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: When I found out I was just disappointed and angry, I said it wasn't a big deal. Now, I feel sad, betrayed, I've been deep in thoughts. I never knew how much I love but from the way I'm feeling right now, it's a lot. He's my first everything, I feel hurt, deeply.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Yes.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: My daughter and work. It's not really working, honestly.

What are your next steps?: I don't know. I want to move on from this but I don't know how. I want to be happy again.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Anger, Sadness, Betrayed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Unpreparedness. I feel like I'm not ready for all of this.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Try not to hurt yourself.

What else would you like to share?:

one hundred thirty three (133)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: On The 4th of April 2020 I received a Facebook Messenger from the wife of the man who had an telephone affair with my wife stating did I know my wife and her husband is chatting. So then I intervened and called her also the guy and my wife then admitted it was going on for 5 months.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I was torn apart, always trusted in my wife, never thought shed be the one cheating.
I have allot of hate and interest on what was said and shared over these chats it was quite intense. 
she admitted what was done but still i have this interest on how and when what was said and shared.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Bad sleeping, always wondering why and will she do it again.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I am a Christian so I pray allot, no pills, or counselling, my wife and I decided to work it through so its not easy, but we both are open and honest about everything now.

What are your next steps?: we are working on our marriage, but I struggle with forgiving as stated I want to know what was said and done solid proof, but in the same taste it may heart me more if I do.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Afraid, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Hate

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Always look at 2 sides of a story , I was always working and she was busy with the kids, and we accepted life this way, never accept life that way make time.

What else would you like to share?: