sixty-two (62)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: I saw a text message his guy friend sent him and it mentioned my husband’s girlfriend. My husband didn’t deny it when I confronted him.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Sick to my stomach. Heartbroken. Disgusted. Angry at myself. I feel these same things now and then.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I don’t eat or sleep when stressed. He did this 10 years ago and it destroyed my health. This time I’m focused on not letting that happen again.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Walking the dog 3 miles every morning (I wasn’t sleeping anyway), yoga, definitely got closer to God.

What are your next steps?: Work on healing from this toxic 19 years, take a couple classes that I need to apply for a different job that I’ve wanted for s while, keeping getting healthier inside and out. Live in the now...not rehash the past or worry about the future.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?:Vengeful, not proud of that one

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Run when the first red flags appear!! Trust your gut. You cannot fix him, nor is it your job!

What else would you like to share?:

sixty-one (61)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: Snooping through his internet history

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Angry. Hurt. Betrayed. Stupid. Ugly. Desperate. Disappointed.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Hard time sleeping and eating. When it first happened I lost 15lbs in 4 days.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Exercise!!

What are your next steps?:

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Alone, Betrayed, Devalued

What emotions are missing from the list?: Disappointment

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Allow the time to feel and process your emotions but do not dwell on them.

What else would you like to share?: This does not dictate who you are as a person. This does not reflect your character. YOU are not the problem. Dont allow this to hold you back from living life and rediscovering who you are outside of the relationship.

sixty (60)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 1 - 2 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: A friend and teammate told me about my partner’s betrayal through text message when she was upset with me. She worded it like this... oh btw your girlfriend cheated on you. I immediately confronted my partner, basically threatening her to come clean or I would find out through my own means. Her response was to STILL try to keep information from me by saying well I don’t want to admit to anything I don’t know that they know. The incident had happened a week before she asked me to be her girlfriend, so technically it was not cheating but it was betrayal because she did it in our own home. We went on to date and live together for a full year before I found out.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I am now, coming to terms with my mistakes in that relationship. What actions I might have done that led to this incident and my responses after finding out. I am releasing a lot of pain I was holding onto and confusion. At the time of finding out, I was completely heartbroken, shattered. All I saw was the color of a deep deep red. I felt empty inside, I didn’t want to continue living through the pain I felt in my stomach. I wanted to escape everything especially her. I was so angry at her. I was more angry with myself, I felt stupid. I had been lied for an entire year. I had countlessly looked into the eyes of the person I loved and opened myself up to, only to find out that it was not the person I thought she was. I felt disgusted with myself for loving someone who could hurt me like that.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Directly after the incident, my eating and sleeping habits changed dramatically. What felt like every night, I was haunted by nightmares of the incident playing over and over in my head. I didn’t want to put anything in my body. I wanted to feel as empty as my heart had felt. My school work and sport took a major impact because of my lack of ability to focus on anything but my pain. I began drinking and smoking excessively to try and mask my hurt.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: For a long time I didn’t want to think about it. I actively avoided thinking about, talking about it. I know I am in a better place because I am able to do that now and really observe myself in that relationship. Yes, I was hurt by a person I loved. Yes, my trust was betrayed. Yes, I was wronged and didn’t deserve to be treated that way. But I was not innocent throughout the entire relationship. I had my faults, and although in my eyes they do not/can not compare to what was done to me, that does not excuse my behavior. I want to be a better person, and I am actively trying to change my bad habits so that I can build a healthier and more honest relationship. I do not want this to ever happen to me again. But even more so, I do not want to respond to my partner’s mistakes the way I did in my past. I want to be understanding of the people I am with. I hope that with a stronger and deeper bond I can both respect my worth and help my partners understand how to treat me like I SHOULD be treated.

What are your next steps?: I kind of answered this in my last response. But at this point, look at how I can better myself. What was done to me can not weigh on me forever, I am ready to let go and forgive. That does not mean to allow that same person to continue to hurt me, but to understand them and see why they did what they did. I am actually going to speak w my ex partner about the situation soon. My intentions are to explain how my perspective has changed and hopefully hear a GENUINE apology from her. Even if I don’t, I am not relying on her apology because I have decided to be the bigger person and move on with my life. To learn from my hardest relationship and the lowest point of my life, I am proud of myself and will continue to be the light I used to.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Betrayed, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Disgust, denial, toxic, enlightened, confused, stuck

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: The same advice I’ve read on here. Know what you can and can not/ will and will not handle. If the trust in the relationship is gone and you are not in a place to forgive and build on that trust again do not stay in the relationship. Give yourself time. Time to cope with your emotions and heal from the situation. Do not fight fire with fire. When you’ve decided to leave, do just that LEAVE and DON’T look back. Understand that you are worthy and capable of a genuine love that will make you feel good, safe, and ready to be vulnerable. Be gentle with yourself throughout this process.

What else would you like to share?: Do not allow this one incident to define you or restrict you from loving someone again.

fifty-nine (59)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 1 - 2 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: He created a profile on OKCupid and ironically sent a message to a friend of mines.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I was hurt. We had just celebrated our one year anniversary. I thought everything was going great with us.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: The day after everything happened and I confronted him I was so messed up that I couldn’t even go to work. I cried and stayed in the bed all day.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I started journaling. I can’t really talk to my friends because they don’t understand why I miss him. It helps sometimes. Others it makes me emotional.

What are your next steps?: I feel stuck as I don’t know what to do.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Anger, Sadness, Alone, Replaced, Betrayed

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Don’t rush anything. Take all the time you need to heal

What else would you like to share?: I’ve started praying more and I think it will get better.

fifty-eight (58)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: I just felt it. I knew something had happened but I wouldnt/couldnt accept it at the time. I believed in him and I could never imagine treating anyone like that so I thought it was just me being insecure untrusting jealous...and he used that to make me feel bad about questioning him. I finally got some back bone after 20 years of bullshit and stood my ground..I tricked him into telling on himself or he never would have told me

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: It has been 2 years now. I still cry everyday. I almost passed out from the shock. I swear it has been the most devastating thing I've ever been through. To find out your whole life has been a lie. The only person I trusted was violating me in the most disgusting vile personal way imaginable. I went crazy for a minute. Screaming crying ect. Then just numb for a few days. The rage I just cant seem to shake off. And I dont mean anger. I mean pure blinding rage from the sheer injustice of it all...and over shadowing it all is a deep and profound sadness...its turned the edges of everything grey. Like part of my soul has died.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I lost 50lbs in a month. I sleep maybe 4 hours a night and I have developed some anxiety related habits..cant be still, rocking back and forth to self soothe, distrustful of everyone hypervigilant short tempered I cant hardly make myself eat and meat taste funny to me now..dont know why though..

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I read everything I can on betrayal and dealing with it. I try hard not to let what has happened to me keep me from being me. I dont have any real friends I feel I can trust so I have joined online groups to talk about my issues. It helps just getting it out there and being heard. No one can fix me but me.

What are your next steps?: I see divorce on the horizon...I am afraid but I am strong. I will be okay and I did a great job raising 2 wonderful human beings. They gave and will continue to always come first. I am making sure they will be protected and ready mentally and emotionally for the breaking apart of me and their father everything else doesnt matter to me.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: It is not the betrayed persons fault. Dont waste your time trying to fix something you didnt break. Ignore all that reconciliation bullshit out there and cut the cheater loose asap save yourself a lot of wasted time and energy. Your relationship is over once trust is gone.

What else would you like to share?: They need to start teaching a course in the schools about family dynamics and what infidelity in any relationships leads to. It could make the victims of this abuse less likely to be victimized and maybe stop potential abusers before they start down that road. There needs to be an awareness that this is abuse and not something to be hidden away but openly talked about.

fifty-seven (57)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 1 - 2 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: A group text message sent from anonymous person. The group text included him and 7 other women besides myself basically saying to all meet since we were all sleeping with the same man. Then one of the women called me (it was stated in the message my number and that I was his girlfriend) then the next day another woman reached out to me and told me she actually had known about me.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I was and still am hurt. I ask myself what I didn’t do or did do that made him do this even though he’s told me it was nothing I did or didn’t do. I feel like the whole past year has been a lie. Idk what to believe really anymore.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Before I knew I had a feeling something was up just had no clue the extent of how bad it was. I was not eating my hair was falling out I couldn’t hardly sleep

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Reading as much as I can and trying to focus on myself

What are your next steps?: Finding a support group for myself and couples therapy with him.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Betrayed, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Can’t think of any

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Be very careful with who you tell

What else would you like to share?:

fifty-six (56)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: He backed up his iPhone to my computer because he got a new one and I used software to recover all his deleted texts. Before that though I found many conversations with escorts and Craigslist hookups.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I was extremely angry because he had been trying to make me think I was crazy and gaslighting me beyond belief. Then I felt sick to my stomach after I read the extent ofwhat hehad been doing to me. Then I felt like nothing I thought was reality was true. I couldnt believe anything or anyone and everyone was out to hurt me or trick me.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I was not able to sleep for a very long time because of nightmares. I am better now but still cannot sleep well.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I use a support group on Reddit, which be ridicules me for being a part of. Beyond that nothing. I am utterly alone besides him.

What are your next steps?: I've asked and begged for him to be transparent with me. He refuses. So I cannot trust him. He saw another escort 6 months later that I know of off sure, so I really really can't trust him. My next step is to leave. Heobviously doesn't care about me or what I need for trust and healing.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Sadness, Alone, Voiceless, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible

What emotions are missing from the list?: Numb

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: To leave the first time you catch them and don't look back.

What else would you like to share?: That's it.

submission fifty-five (55)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: I learned about it through one of the higher ups at my company. My partner at the time had been caught by the cameras in our break room having relations with my former best friend and coworker months prior. Just so happened that this manager had been looking through old footage for something unrelated and stumbled upon that.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I am feeling ok about it all now, but I am a much different and less trusting person than I was then. I thought that I had been jaded by life before, but I feel a lot more cynical now. At the time, it was earth shattering. Everything stopped when I saw the video, and I immediately confronted them in person. I want to say that I felt strong in those moments, but I didn't. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my adult life and I didn't eat for almost a week afterwords.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: At the time I didn't sleep well if at all, I almost stopped eating entirely as well for a long time.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I've since moved on and have a new partner and they help a lot, but that doesn't change my overall cynicism. Fortunately I do actually trust this new partner and am happy that I no longer have to live a life always wondering if they're doing something behind my back. I suggest giving yourself some time to grieve and then getting back to old hobbies, and if you're up to it seeing some people (while being upfront about your past). It can help to get away from toxic people and see the world for what it is.

What are your next steps?: None at this point. I am over my ex, but I would be lying if I said I feel completely ok with what happened because I do not. While I have moved past the initial emotional trauma and grief, I still have many financial and social struggles that resulted directly from the actions of those people in my past and I still actively hate them for what they did to me.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Suicidal thoughts, worthlessness.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Move on. Don't give them a second chance, they will not change--they will just get better at cheating. I gave my previous partner many chances when I caught him on dating sites and all it did was escalated years later when I least expected it. I could have saved myself a lot of time and misery by just ending it when he was mentally straying. Living a life of paranoia isn't worth it.

What else would you like to share?: These events will have changed you drastically, whether they be for the better or worse just know this--it was not your fault and they're the ones with deficiencies. They will try and play the victim, or even the hero, but deep down they know they are not. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THEM. If you didn't cheat then there's a chance you will find someone who respects you and your relationship as well. You are worth it.

submission fifty-four (54)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: Behavioral changes. No reciprocating. Emotional neglect. Hiding phone. Half confession from pAP. Denial Denial Denial. 2 years later same shitty behavior but things are either on hiatus or further underground. The redflags continue.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Depressed, anxious, suicidal, alone, unheard, misunderstood, unwanted, unloved, used, betrayed and trapped.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Emotional wreck.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Meds. Aren't working.

What are your next steps?: I don't know

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?:suicidal,

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: I don't know. Right now I can't

What else would you like to share?: Keep the hope alive.

submission fifty-three (53)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: Something didnt feel right so I snooped her FB message. He visited house "as a friend" before so I know him. Turned out when we went to his house for dinner (after me hosting his worthless ass) Shed already been there that day. Eating sausage.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I died inside. Still feel dead, except when rage takes hold.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Hard to do anything. No pleasure. I just count the seconds...

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I masturbate too much. I flirt with homosexuality. I eat. I get fatter. I used to be cute, but now I'm a fatty.

What are your next steps?: Wonder when I will die of shame.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Rage

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: I outed him on a homewrecker website. I dont regret it...

What else would you like to share?: I never had violent dreams before. Not like I do now.