Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 21 years or more
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago
How did you learn about it?: I just felt it. I knew something had happened but I wouldnt/couldnt accept it at the time. I believed in him and I could never imagine treating anyone like that so I thought it was just me being insecure untrusting jealous...and he used that to make me feel bad about questioning him. I finally got some back bone after 20 years of bullshit and stood my ground..I tricked him into telling on himself or he never would have told me
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: It has been 2 years now. I still cry everyday. I almost passed out from the shock. I swear it has been the most devastating thing I've ever been through. To find out your whole life has been a lie. The only person I trusted was violating me in the most disgusting vile personal way imaginable. I went crazy for a minute. Screaming crying ect. Then just numb for a few days. The rage I just cant seem to shake off. And I dont mean anger. I mean pure blinding rage from the sheer injustice of it all...and over shadowing it all is a deep and profound sadness...its turned the edges of everything grey. Like part of my soul has died.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I lost 50lbs in a month. I sleep maybe 4 hours a night and I have developed some anxiety related habits..cant be still, rocking back and forth to self soothe, distrustful of everyone hypervigilant short tempered I cant hardly make myself eat and meat taste funny to me now..dont know why though..
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I read everything I can on betrayal and dealing with it. I try hard not to let what has happened to me keep me from being me. I dont have any real friends I feel I can trust so I have joined online groups to talk about my issues. It helps just getting it out there and being heard. No one can fix me but me.
What are your next steps?: I see divorce on the horizon...I am afraid but I am strong. I will be okay and I did a great job raising 2 wonderful human beings. They gave and will continue to always come first. I am making sure they will be protected and ready mentally and emotionally for the breaking apart of me and their father everything else doesnt matter to me.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced
What emotions are missing from the list?:
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: It is not the betrayed persons fault. Dont waste your time trying to fix something you didnt break. Ignore all that reconciliation bullshit out there and cut the cheater loose asap save yourself a lot of wasted time and energy. Your relationship is over once trust is gone.
What else would you like to share?: They need to start teaching a course in the schools about family dynamics and what infidelity in any relationships leads to. It could make the victims of this abuse less likely to be victimized and maybe stop potential abusers before they start down that road. There needs to be an awareness that this is abuse and not something to be hidden away but openly talked about.