submission thirty-six (36)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: 

It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

Via email from his wife

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

I've had a incling for years, and she told me I was crazy and just being paranoid but after reading the emails I'm devastated

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Can't eat or sleep

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Nothing really it's hard to cope

What are your next steps?: Divorce

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):

Anger, Sadness, Alone, Betrayed, Devalued

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?:

 Even if you think you've known someone for over 20 years you really might not

What else would you like to share?:

submission thirty-five (35)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 1 - 2 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: 

His infidelity didn't involve another woman but it involved drugs and alcohol. So in a way the drugs were his other woman. And he always put the drugs first.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

I felt sick to my stomach. Nothing I did was ever enough.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?:

 At the time I couldn't eat or sleep, I was angry and hurt..

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

I saw a psychologist. She was a good listener. And I had a couple of friends that were very supportive and also just listened.

What are your next steps?: 

I have closure now. I had tried to get him to own up to the hell he put me through but he didn't remember any of it. And I realized it was because of all the drugs and alcohol. He was never really there. It was never really a real relationship. I was always present and sober. He was always high.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Empowered, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Walk away immeadiatly from people who use drugs and alcohol on a daily basis.

What else would you like to share?:

submission thirty-four (34)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: 

While using my 14 year olds computer. My wife's sexting kept popping up. She had a shared account with my son and didn't realize her texts, sex videos and photos were available for him to see. She had been cheating for 8 years with over 10 partners.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

Discovering her double life and serial infidelity which included termed pregnancies. STDs, sex videos and over 10,000 sexting texts crushed me and my son. We have yet to even begin to recover.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Nothing is normal anymore.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Mostly friends for comfort.. The divorce is so contentious that coping is very difficult.

What are your next steps?: 

Until the divorce is final I can't get her out of the home. I am forced to live with her every day.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Strong, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Broke

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

I can't imagine anyone else in this situation but advice is to hold them accountable and don't let them off the hook. If you do they will do it again to someone else in the future.

What else would you like to share?: You have to deal with your emotions and resist the urge to suppress them.

submission thirty-three (33)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?:

 She told me when I confronted her

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

When I found out, I felt sick. Today (Over two years later) I thought I would be able to get over it, but I cannot.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

I have changed jobs, changed shifts, moved into a new home after selling our first home together.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?:

 I am uncomfortable taking to family about the situation. I have talked to a select few friends. She will not discuss it with me. "I need to get over it"

Obviously I'm here so it's not working for me

What are your next steps?:

 I think it's time to discuss divorce.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Betrayed, Devalued

What emotions are missing from the list?: Over it

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

If you have doubts about being able to move past what happened, and your unfaithful partner isn't willing to hear your concerns, bail out.

What else would you like to share?: 

I have been cheated on in the past by more than one partner. I let the first one back in and she did it again. I've been waiting "for the other shoe to drop" in this marriage. It's time to move on.

submission thirty-two (32)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

The first time was when she had told me an ex was coming to town for his daughters birthday the same one that betrayed her lead her to believe he was single at the time now this was before we were married the early part of 2013 she told me of him coming to town but what made me feel something wasn't right we would talk after she would get off work and i was at work we both worked at the same place different shifts but that night was different we talked for a little while and all of a sudden she stopped i became concerned and decided to check on her at my lunch break where we worked was a matter of less than a mile to my surprise a vehicle was in her driveway from out side i tried calling no answer she worked 2 till 10:30 i worked 10:30 till 6am i heard noting till 8:00am that morning saying she fell asleep not knowing that i knew about the car which was her ex boyfriends car long story short that was one of many deceptions sense after we were married

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

Im feeling so many thing about this marriage as i said that was just one of many deceptions i feel like i have been taken for granted time after time when i found out i was in some what of a shock after telling me her story of how she had been treated i wanted and tried to let her know i will be there for her by the way she have four kids it was always my intentions to let her know that she and the kids were apart of my life and that i was going to do what ever it took to make this work for us all but it seemed things continuously took a turn for the worse

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

A great deal I've had many sleepless nights sometimes i don't eat i feel i just want to work and go home

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

I don't feel i have an outlet we tried counseling with our pastor she even lie to him on another situation went to counseling with her once but didn't think it was going to work because an incident occurred even before counseling

What are your next steps?: 

I feel this is really time to exit this marriage because it seems there's no end to things that keep happening this has took a toll on me dramatically i really wanted this to work but everytime i feel I'm going to give it a chance something else happens i have no trust in her when things happen she tries to justify it like oh it not as you think it is im to the point that i cannot go any further but she wants to make it work she loves me don't want to lose me and when i hear that i really don't know how to respond to it

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Afraid, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Taken advantage of

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Take your time get to know and grow with your partner

What else would you like to share?: 

I was hopeful wanted my relationship to grow things were like heaven at first things changed rapidly i tried to adjust i loved this woman with my whole heart i thought she had that same love for me but the things i went through she couldn't have get to know the person take time to know each other be friends be playful share things good or bad make each feel im here for you no matter what but when you feel things keep recurring your being lie to taken advantage of some times you just have to let go cut your losses and even though you've been in a bad relationship with someone who has treated so badly there's is light at the end of the tunnel there's someone out there who has been through just what you have experienced but give your self time for you let your heart and mind heal seek counseling for you so that the next experience of love will be a great one

submission thirty-one (31)

Your Age: Under 20

Length of Relationship : Less than 1 year

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: I suspected so I put a GPS on his vehicle and got his credit card statements. When I got her name I went to her house and caught him there

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Its be just over a year. Obviously betrayed and depressed for a long time

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Yes both changed. Lost almost 50lbs and still wake up several times a night

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I just started seeing a social worker after the divorce. I bought a new house and have basically no contact with him

What are your next steps?: To try to trust people again.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Strong, Empowered, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued

What emotions are missing from the list?: None

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Value yourself. Follow your instincts

What else would you like to share?: The person I trusted with my life, who I gave 5 beautiful, healthy kids too, whose life I put before my own could easily create a life of lies, secrecy and betrayal and yet see he did nothing wrong.

submission thirty (30)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: I suspected it, too many text messages from a "friend"...three months later I found letters she wrote him in his work bag.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I was in rage then a lot of rage, yelling, cursing, threats. It's been four months, I feel stronger still on a emotional rollercoaster. I still want to RIP that bitches ugly face off. Time heals all pain? I'm waiting for that.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I barely eat nor sleep.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I've been speaking with a therapist for the last couple of months. I honestly love that woman, she gives me a new perspective everytime I see her along with support.

What are your next steps?: Continue therapy, heal, love myself, raise my kids and if the marriage last it does if not move on.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Strong, Betrayed, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?: disgusted, violent, empty.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Communication. Let it all out!

What else would you like to share?:

I HOPE YOU LIVE LOUDER

I hope you live louder. I hope you laugh more. I hope you sing at the top of your lungs. I hope you drive with the windows down and let the wind rustle through your hair. I hope you hug. I hope you kiss. I hope you surround yourself with people who make you feel alive. I hope you become the type of person that brings good energy wherever you go, and the type of person people want to be around. I hope you speak what’s on your mind, that you raise your voice for injustice, that you tell others that you love them, instead of waiting until it’s too late. I hope you live louder, shine brighter. From this moment on.

• Marisa Donnelly

submission twenty-nine (29)

Title: Massage Parlors

Your Story: Just over a year ago, my husband of 22 years and I were lying in bed and I was telling him about some uncomfortable physical symptoms I was having. He seemed worried and started asking lots of questions. Suddenly he got out of bed, turned on the light, and told me he needed to talk to me because he had really messed up and I might hate him forever. I braced myself for what I was about to hear. My husband then proceeded to tell me that he had gone to an Asian massage parlor and received oral sex and now he was afraid he had given me some kind of disease.

I was numb. We had had some difficult times in our marriage which were compounded by caring for 2 special needs children, but never in a million years did I think he would cheat on me. Tears rolled down my face. I didn't know what to do or say. He begged for forgiveness and promised it only happened one time. I couldn't think, I just cried until the next morning.

My husband went to the local health department right away and had a complete STD test and everything was negative. It turned out my symptoms were caused by a kidney stone, but our marriage was broken. I searched bank, credit card, and phone records. I could find no evidence that it happened more than once. I love my husband and we have 4 kids. I wanted to keep our marriage together.

I started to tell myself that it was no big deal, just a blow job. I asked myself if I should really consider it infidelity since it just happened one time with a stranger. I felt like I was going crazy. I didn't tell anyone because I was embarrassed. I felt so sad and stopped taking care of myself. I gained back 30 of the 50 pounds I had just lost.  

I finally realized this was most definitely cheating and we had to work on our marriage if it was going to survive. We started marriage counseling and then we went to a Retrovaille Marriage Encounter Weekend. Retrovaille was life changing. We made so much progress during our Retrovaille weekend and we still use the skills we learned there. We are also still active with the Retrovaille community and follow up meetings.  

My husband committed to making changes. He admitted to a porn addiction which contributed to his infidelity. He stopped looking at porn and started using the skills we had learned at Retrovaille. After some hard work and difficult truths, it was like we had a new marriage. One that had a stronger foundation than the old one.  

We renewed our wedding vows at church a few months ago and things are going well for us now. I still have triggers. Seeing the Asian massage parlors in so many of the strip malls around our home is difficult. I would like to find some way of getting involved to help shut these places down. I have learned that so many of the women who work in these places are victims of sex trafficking. I have moments when I worry that my husband will betray me again and I think maybe I don't know him as well as I thought I did. But, I am choosing to move forward with him. He knows that if it ever happens again our marriage will be over. I am hopeful that I will continue to have fewer sad days and triggers and that the new vows we made will not be broken. It feels like we have come a long way in just over a year and I hope I haven't rushed the process. I just know I never again want to feel the way I did on DDay.

submission twenty-eight (28)

Title: 3 tears

Your Story: My wife and I have been married for 12 years. In that time she has cheated 3 times. They have been emotional affairs up until the 3rd time. Back story. My wife doesn't want to share her past with anyone. Including me. She was in a long term relationship I didnt know about for 10 years.
Lastly her family forced her to move to the USA from Mexico to start over.and before she meet me she had tried to reconnect with her then ex but he never came for her.
In this all she was also here illegally.
So I meet her and we started dating. Had good chemistry and things got serious. We decided to get married and shortly after found out she was pregnant. We decided to move up our marriage and life was good.
I decided for our family to be better off we went thru the process to fix her status to be legal.
Jump forward 2 years fixed everything and she went back to Mexico for 4 month. When she came home it was hard to adjust. I didnt know why but shortly later found her messaging an old friend at 3am. She said it was an old friend and said they were just catching up.
I felt wired and later found out it was her ex and they were messaging. I hacked her accounts and found all her chats for 7 month. Most were innocent but I could tell he felt different to her as she did to him. Because I didn't know and she tried hiding her feelings this was cheat one. Second I didn’t know about until now but 2 years later we were on our 2nd child and life was rough and she reached out to him again. To reconnect or just to talk I dont know. Jump 7 years and my wives mom passed away and he wrote her to pay his respects. Within a week she started sending nude pics and a month after that I found her sleeping on the couch at 4am with her phone on and when I went to turn her phone off I found pics of Him naked and her naked. They are 1100 miles apart but sent the pics none the less.
I copied 3 weeks of chats and couldnt control my emotions. I tried letting it go but I confronted her a few days later. At this point she did not know what i knew. She denied anything physical and said they were just talking. I said I saw the pics and read some chats. She got angry and tried denying how bad it was. 3rd cheat.
Since then I found she deleted the chats from the beginning and tried deleting photos.
I found copies of some pics but chats are gone. She has opened up a bit about her past and I believe most of what she says about the situation but how do you reconcile knowing and reading that you were a mistake, she still loves other man and have talked about health issues from other spouses.
I am lost on how to trust and start over. How to love someone you know loves someone else.