two hundred thirty one (231)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: Saw pictures and texts on partner’s phone

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Shellshocked, hurt, angry

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Couldn’t sleep

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Journaling. Yes

What are your next steps?: Divorce, looking after myself

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?: Uncertainty

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Give it time. Be kind to yourself. Go through the emotions, don’t try to avoid it

What else would you like to share?: It made me stronger and more compassionate

two hundred thirty (230)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 1 - 2 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: 我们家

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 我们家里

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 你是我的

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 你是我哥

What are your next steps?: 我∵

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Empowered, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?: 我们

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 哦哦知道了

What else would you like to share?: 你们那的

two hundred twenty nine (229)

Title: Cheating husband

Your Story: 20 months ago i discovered my husband had been having an affair for 3 months. I found out from messages on his phone. Up to this point hed started wild camping and walking. Hed become distant from me and constantly on his phone when i was working nights. I was scared to confront him in case i lost him. When i finally asked him why this woman constantly phoned a d messaged him he said she was just asking if he was walking or camping and seemed shocked that i thought there was more to their friendship. When i read the messages that night i confronted him and he insisted it was just flirty text and hed met her for coffee once. A week later her husband contacted me and explained they were having affair. I confronted him again and he admitted to sleeping with her twice and hating himself for it. I cant describe the immense pain i felt but he was remorseful and wanted to heal our marriage. She was vile to me in messages but i put this down to her feeling hurt hed dumped her for me and his children. 10 month later approaching our 20th wedding anniversary i still had my suspicion hed not been honest so i stupidly contacted ow. She relished in giving me all the gory details dated, places, nights away etc. Heartbroken once again i confronted him. He said he couldn't tell me because he loved me and despised himself for being weak . He desperately wanted to save our marriage and knew if id found out it had gone further id have left him. I asked him to leave the next day so i could decide what was best for me and my children. I thought long and hard a out what we had together and what we'd been through together. Even though i hated him for what he'd done to our family and the emotional pain he'd put me through i still loved him and wanted to make our marriage work. I was aware that ppl would think i was a mug and weak for staying with him but now 20 months on I actually feel like im a strong nice person and my marriage is better than ever. Affairs dont have to mean the end of a marriage and if your partner is truly remorseful this is so worth saving.

two hundred twenty eight (228)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: I had my suspicions and I found a poem my wife had saved on her phone that her affair partner had written and sent to her.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: When I found out I was devastated. I could not believe that she had repeatedly lied to me and cheated on me for months while we were in therapy trying to work on our marriage. She took time away from our children to spend time with our affair partner. She brought her partner to our house and our oldest some found them on the floor, exercising. She allowed her affair partner’s daughter to babysit for our son. I asked her point blank if she was cheating with this co-worker and she denied it every time. Even when she finally admitted it, she lied about the scope of the affair and told me that they did not have a physical relationship. She changed her story 50 days later and confessed to a full physical affair and told me that she was in love with her affair partner. I am still devastated and we are still trying to work on our marriage for the children but I have lost all faith that our marriage will survive.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: At first I couldn’t eat and I could sleep and I was crying all of the time, unable to work. I started taking an SSRI and it has helped to stabilize my mood but I am still having trouble sleeping.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Medication, yoga, journaling, eating

What are your next steps?: I am not sure. I sought counsel from an attorney and she gave me a realistic view of the financial landscape including my responsibility with regard to supporting the children and paying maintenance to my wife and for how long. I am close to asking for a divorce and requesting that we interview potential mediators. I am very confused about what I want. On one hand i don’t want to be married to her or anyone who could do this to me and over and over at that. At the same time we have moments of true happiness and we also have kids. While I clearly could be happier with another partner is that a good enough reason to blow of my children’s lives? I’m not sure.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Strong, Replaced, Betrayed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Resentful

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Find a therapist that you like and trust and start writing fiwn your feelings to get them out of your head

What else would you like to share?:

two hundred twenty seven (227)

Title: The 2nd Discovery Day

Your Story: My husband shared with me in August 2021 that he has been having an affair with his coworker, Andrea D. My world broke and we are still picking up the pieces and that is over simplification - the fallout has been astronomical. I continue to struggle with complex PTSD. The anxiety attacks and insomnia are still a prominent problem. I have attended therapy one to two times weekly just depending on the emotional flooding. The body issues and feelings of worthlessness are still present and strong. My children have each adapted in their own way; all too young to understand what is happening nor being told what their father has done. The oldest has disappeared into the digital world shut away in their room. The middle an emotional fireball seeking connection and attention from anyone. The youngest lost their happy disposition and is delayed in their speech abilities. All his relationships tarnished. His mother will barely look at him. We no longer attend church because of his friendship with our Pastor and the shame. (Perk!) Andrea left the company; I am unsure if she quit or was let go. More ethics claims continued to arise after the affair ended. My friendships took an unexpected twist. I lost many but strengthen one so tremendously. I gained new friends and reconnected with an old friend. I’ve realized in the months how direct communication needs to be. He can’t even begin to predict what I am thinking anymore. He continues to give it his all to the best of his capacity. I feel he needs to internal work for this to never happen again. I incidentally discovered multiple porn accounts on an “old” email of his. It broke my heart. There was time during our marriage that I truly did not know the man he was. It’s been explained to me that this is a 2nd d-day. I didn’t understand it at the time, now some time has passed and I get it. The porn is just an additional layer of his secret life. A life he purposefully kept me out of. Now, it just serves as an additional reminder that I am not just being compared to Andrea but to his porn videos. It really sucks. The 2nd d-day, did finally make me realize there is absolutely nothing I can do to control his actions or thoughts. I stopped tracking his location long ago and now even when he is late I don’t look to care. I am free from that falsity. I know I am giving it my all to rebuild our marriage and heal myself if that is not enough for him to want to be loyal and do his own work our rebuilt marriage is fake. Porn never would have bothered me before Andrea nor going to places like Hooters. He treads lightly around me. He is considerate, caring and kind. Despite everything that has happened. Andrea served as rock bottom AND her being completely gone from our lives has been good. I am stronger and more independent. I finally realize I am going to be okay. I left a mediocre job to accept a role that will challenge and enable me to grow my career quickly and be able to support myself. I will be the first woman in my family to be able to support herself and childen without needing assistance from a man. Breaking generational curses left and right. Infidelity will also end with us; we are working on our parenting capacities ensuring each child feels loved the way the needed. Our children will learn how to solve their problems without Andrea’s. We are working on creating our happily ever after. Both accepting everyday is not going to be pretty but that we are each broken people committed to helping each other become their best person. May my story give someone hope. It is not a pretty picture I paint. The feelings and bond between us is different. It makes me feel complete in a way I never have before. It sucks we couldn’t have figured out our marriage needed help before those failures took form in Andrea. Not all cheating partners are evil people. Most people experience some sort of hurt or pain in the life. They never resolve it, it manifests into unhealthy inner vows that lead to more internal damage. If a person is willing to do the work and you have the strength to support them, then feel no shame in staying. If the person is willing to do the work and you don’t have the feelings or strength needed, then feel no shame in leaving either. I talk to so many people that don’t understand my choice to stay or think it’s for the children and depending on the day I do too. Stay firm in what is right for you. You will be okay no matter what happens. The experiences and lessons you learn will only continue to carve you into the person you were meant to be. (I just can’t leave anything nice. I have no insight on affair partners. As Andrea offered me an entitled nonpology and then continued to pursue him on Snapchat. My experience is that affair partners appear to be the most damaged and damaging of all. They know it and do not care about adding to another’s brokenness.)

two hundred twenty six (226)

Title: Love triangle

Your Story: I’m recently separated and going through a divorce. A man I was in contact with on Facebook tom started sending me very polite messages. He eventually asked me out to dinner and it went very well and for a few weeks he was very sweet. He invited me to his son’s graduation party and we went out to dinner a few times. We only had sex once. For the most part it was just kissing. (The sex we had once was unusual because he did not orgasm). After a few months he didn’t text or call as much and we didn’t see each other as much. I felt it fading away. Another guy I have know since I was 15 (Joe) started texting me since he heard about my divorce. Our text messages became sexual as well. I also stopped by his house to drop something off for him. We did not have sex though. However he found out who the guy I was seeing was and he messaged him to tell him what I had done behind his back. I understood why he did that. He wanted me to completely break it off with this guy tom. However tom still wanted to see me. So I stopped talking to Joe. Tom and I have been seeing each for a year after that incident… but again he keeps fading and rarely would text me unless I texted him first. We only got together a handful of times and that was mainly because I invited myself over. I would bring him gifts and food. He only took me out to dinner once in that year. He constantly would break plans with me an hour before our date. I put so much into this relationship amd I finally felt it was going no where so I had a talk with with him. He said he wanted to take the relationship and become more serious but that only lasted a day. I only live 5 minutes from him but he said he was too tired on a Sunday afternoon to even get some lunch. So I started talking to Joe again. Just small talk. And tom became furious. I don’t understand why??

two hundred twenty five (225)

Title: Love triangle

Your Story: I’m 45 and recently divorced. I’m started seeing a man tom. He was very sweet In the beginning with texting and calling and taking me out to dinner. A few months had passed and we only kissed. Another man I knew since I was a teenager found out i was recently divorced and we started talking as well his name is Chris. The texting with Chris became sexual and I enjoyed it to be honest. I also Chris briefly at his house. we didn’t have sex. However, He sent a message to the guy I was seeing (tom) and told him everything that was happening with us. Tom was upset but kind of understood why, and that was because he started fading away and didn’t call or text me much any more . I told tom I wouldn’t talk to Chris anymore and tom and I would work it out… however Almost a year passed and tom still didn’t give me much, not emotionally, not sexually… we only had sex once. For the most part he used a lot of excuses to not get together. Called off last minute Da s, etc. I put a lot more effort into the relationship than he did. It was only one sided. So recently I told him I just wanted to be friends . And started talking to Chris again, Just by text messages. Nothing serious, just small talk. Tom became furious though. I don’t understand why? He didn’t seem to interested the past year.

two hundred twenty four (224)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: I knew something was going on about six months ago but tried to ignore it. Then five weeks ago I sadly discovered it had been going on for three months

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Devastated

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Not sleeping or eating enough

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Ploughing myself into work

What are your next steps?: I have no idea

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Betrayed

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: I have no advice and need help

What else would you like to share?:

two hundred twenty three (223)

Title: The covert narcissist

Your Story: Year and a half ago I started dating a guy name Levi. As time went on, he wouldn’t make plans unless it involved sex. He wouldn’t acknowledge me or our relationship. He would make up excuses about why we couldn’t hang out more or see each other more using his mom as an excuse. After 8 months, he moved to Tennessee. And he would still call me every night we watched movies and two more months go by I started a job and he started complaining that I was too busy to answer him but when I would text him or call him he wouldn’t answer and he wouldn’t text back for quite a while. When I questioned him about it he said he was too busy cleaning up the new house and trying to do some remodel. Two more months go by, we are still talking about me going out there to visit him and seeing the scenery it may be deciding to move out there if we’re still together in a couple years after my daughter graduates from high school. Two months of that kind of talk he post that he’s in a relationship on Facebook. So I screenshot it and I sent it to him and I asked are you in a relationship? He said Kinda. We got into a huge fight I messaged his new girlfriend and told her what he was doing behind her back. He of course gets pretty upset that I went out of my way to do it. He sweet talked his way back into my life and we continue to watch movies every night and he proceeds to text me every day and call me like he did before. He claimed he was miserable and his girlfriend broke up with him and he decides to sell his house and move back to Nebraska. So he worked with his brother on getting a house in Lincoln. And he proceeds to tell me how much he wants to be with me. Have a real relationship this time and make it work. The second he moves back I hear from him less and less and he says he’s remodeling again and he’s too busy. He claimed to call me every chance he got when he was alone and I start questioning him again. I started putting pressure on him about being in a relationship, defining it and being real. He intern starts getting very upset and starts calling and texting even less than when he moved to Lincoln. Everything went downhill from there he said I wanted too much at one time he asked me to be patient and I couldn’t do it I started hounding him the second he moved back about a relationship and he kept telling me to be patient be patient be patient I didn’t feel that after a year and a half I should be patient anymore and he started even more abuse being really nasty and a complete opposite of what he was when we first dated and I called him out on having another girlfriend and he claimed that I was just in my head too much I was thinking too much and now we no longer talk he ghosted me on several occasions which was not the person he pretended to be to begin with and I called him out on all of his mental abuse and manipulation and he blocked me on all social media and his phone.

two hundred twenty two (222)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: I found out through my own suspicion

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I was broken when i found out didnt want to let my wife out of my sight ,
Today and have always felt unsettled as I feel have not been told the full tuth

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: yes they did and still are

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: nothing

What are your next steps?: wish i knew

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?:worthlessness ,

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: be able to deal with the truth if told , always trust your instincts

What else would you like to share?: