Your Age: 21-30
Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days
How did you learn about it?: I caught him so many times on his phone, and by him texting to me instead of them (getting mixed up). Very rarely he initiated some of the confession but most of it was a lie. Saying he only kissed while drunk at club, and drove back to home. In reality, he found her through on dating apps, and they had been talking online, he drove to her apartment and they had unprotected sex. He had to tell me about his affair because she had confessed that she has high risk hpv. He was so scared and needed me to calm him. And one time I realized he was cheating by realizing he has subscribed for premium subscriptions for 3 different dating apps. I was supporting him financially, and borrowed him money to fix his car, while he was paying 100 dollars per month for those apps. Thos most recent time I realized his ex hook up (a married women with kids, whom brought her kids to our house and had sex with him while the kids were there) started following him on social media, and that was a red flag for me, when i asked to have his password he blocked me and said he won't.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I am feeling like I was used to my last cells. I know I am worthy, but seeing myself through his eyes, realizing that I was nothing in this past 5 years, really hurts me. He had been telling that hed marry me from the second day we had kissed, staring at my eyes for half an hour as if he was mesmerized. I was and am mesmerizing, I know I am worthy of love, and am beautiful both inside and out. I had never had any sorts of complexes about my looks or my personality (well a little bit about my shy personality), but being with him for 5 years, not having my single birthday being celebrated, not having been pampered but always put down, I lost my spark, and I am not radiating and confident as I used to be. I knew it all along, that feeling that he would never be the one. It started with him lying about being single but in fact being in a 2,5 year relationship. He told me he never loved me and he loves me, and he never found her attractive, she was just a habit for him, also someone he feels bad for. It was so wrong of me to believe in those words of his, as he did not stop pursuing her every-time he got the chance for 1 year. He even told his friend that he would die for her. I was pregnant when I heard it, and I knew I couldnt bring his kid into our world. That was painful, a pain I will never be able to get over. Pain of killing my own child because I had chosen a terrible partner, even I loved him to the moon and back, and wanted his child deep inside my heart. This hope of him changing and me marrying him and having his children kept me forgiving him everytime he apologized for his cheatings. It consumed my life, I was not moving forward, I am still at the same place as I was at 19. Couldn't graduate from college because of constant cheating scandals / feeling suicidal/ losing confidence in myself that I am capable of anything. Ive been blamed for his cheatings, due to me not being organized, not passing my classes, and not exercising/ motivating him to exercise like those other runner girls.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: When I hear about his cheatings, I can't eat much, I usually lose some weight and then start to eat kind of excessively and stop eating again. Sleeping is a dream because everytime I close my eyes, I am tortured by my own imagination him touching other girls and what he said to me or to them playing in my head nonstop.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I found an online platform where you can talk with a listener anonymously, I usually go there. Tried talking to my friends but once i get back with him, I tend to lose those friends. Talking with family is not an option anymore because they are tired of me torturing myself being with him. I am often blamed for staying in a relationship with him and sometimes getting yelled. I understand them though, they are worried for me. I listen to music that I can relate through the lyrics. It makes me feel calmer and keeps me moving, otherwise I kind of spend the whole day in a dark room. I tried breathing exercises and they help me if i am too tired and have to sleep, but otherwise being quiet in my mind equals to having bad thoughts. I tried watching some TV shows and for the most part it doesn't work for me because I can't focus on the movie. I find short videos like on tiktok helps me better since they are short. I sometimes watch some animal videos and they also help me. If i am able to, I also like to walk and talk to myself silently, its kind of embarrasing but i choose empty neighbothoods or parks.
What are your next steps?: My next steps are to find ways to hold my ground next time he will ask me to be with him, and suggest we get married. One part of me really wants to be with him, I don't know why but I love him, it is hard to imagine a life without him. On our best days, I would feel my life is complete, but there are way many more bad days than good days and I have to keep reminding myself why he is not good for me. I don't want to catch any diseases, I really want to be able to become a mother. He would not make a good father if he continued cheating on me and we would end up arguing and I would not be able to make my children happy. My family would always be worried about me, and we would never be able to unite as a family. I would always feel like i am not good enough, and have low self esteem. I might never be able to finish my school and be dependent on him alone once i have kids. He is not a trustworthy partner. He proved me that fact hundreds of times. I have to listen to his actions not his words, and leave him.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Empowered, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced, Relieved
What emotions are missing from the list?:heart break, grief, sense of loss, lost
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: pet an animal, dont try to erase them by finding a replacement person it is like itching a scar you might feel like its feeling good at first but in the end its making it harder for you to forget/not feel guilty.
What else would you like to share?: i recommend reading books about attachment style and diving deep into our childhood. Knowing why you are stuck with this person, or why you love this person. For me it was trying to fix my father who also cheated on my mom and caused me to never see him for years. Never having a decent male role model in my family, and being in a culture where its praised when men cheats/ is a womanizer.
