Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months
How did you learn about it?: I had my suspicions and I found a poem my wife had saved on her phone that her affair partner had written and sent to her.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: When I found out I was devastated. I could not believe that she had repeatedly lied to me and cheated on me for months while we were in therapy trying to work on our marriage. She took time away from our children to spend time with our affair partner. She brought her partner to our house and our oldest some found them on the floor, exercising. She allowed her affair partner’s daughter to babysit for our son. I asked her point blank if she was cheating with this co-worker and she denied it every time. Even when she finally admitted it, she lied about the scope of the affair and told me that they did not have a physical relationship. She changed her story 50 days later and confessed to a full physical affair and told me that she was in love with her affair partner. I am still devastated and we are still trying to work on our marriage for the children but I have lost all faith that our marriage will survive.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: At first I couldn’t eat and I could sleep and I was crying all of the time, unable to work. I started taking an SSRI and it has helped to stabilize my mood but I am still having trouble sleeping.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Medication, yoga, journaling, eating
What are your next steps?: I am not sure. I sought counsel from an attorney and she gave me a realistic view of the financial landscape including my responsibility with regard to supporting the children and paying maintenance to my wife and for how long. I am close to asking for a divorce and requesting that we interview potential mediators. I am very confused about what I want. On one hand i don’t want to be married to her or anyone who could do this to me and over and over at that. At the same time we have moments of true happiness and we also have kids. While I clearly could be happier with another partner is that a good enough reason to blow of my children’s lives? I’m not sure.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Strong, Replaced, Betrayed
What emotions are missing from the list?: Resentful
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Find a therapist that you like and trust and start writing fiwn your feelings to get them out of your head
What else would you like to share?: