Title: The 2nd Discovery Day
Your Story: My husband shared with me in August 2021 that he has been having an affair with his coworker, Andrea D. My world broke and we are still picking up the pieces and that is over simplification - the fallout has been astronomical. I continue to struggle with complex PTSD. The anxiety attacks and insomnia are still a prominent problem. I have attended therapy one to two times weekly just depending on the emotional flooding. The body issues and feelings of worthlessness are still present and strong. My children have each adapted in their own way; all too young to understand what is happening nor being told what their father has done. The oldest has disappeared into the digital world shut away in their room. The middle an emotional fireball seeking connection and attention from anyone. The youngest lost their happy disposition and is delayed in their speech abilities. All his relationships tarnished. His mother will barely look at him. We no longer attend church because of his friendship with our Pastor and the shame. (Perk!) Andrea left the company; I am unsure if she quit or was let go. More ethics claims continued to arise after the affair ended. My friendships took an unexpected twist. I lost many but strengthen one so tremendously. I gained new friends and reconnected with an old friend. I’ve realized in the months how direct communication needs to be. He can’t even begin to predict what I am thinking anymore. He continues to give it his all to the best of his capacity. I feel he needs to internal work for this to never happen again. I incidentally discovered multiple porn accounts on an “old” email of his. It broke my heart. There was time during our marriage that I truly did not know the man he was. It’s been explained to me that this is a 2nd d-day. I didn’t understand it at the time, now some time has passed and I get it. The porn is just an additional layer of his secret life. A life he purposefully kept me out of. Now, it just serves as an additional reminder that I am not just being compared to Andrea but to his porn videos. It really sucks. The 2nd d-day, did finally make me realize there is absolutely nothing I can do to control his actions or thoughts. I stopped tracking his location long ago and now even when he is late I don’t look to care. I am free from that falsity. I know I am giving it my all to rebuild our marriage and heal myself if that is not enough for him to want to be loyal and do his own work our rebuilt marriage is fake. Porn never would have bothered me before Andrea nor going to places like Hooters. He treads lightly around me. He is considerate, caring and kind. Despite everything that has happened. Andrea served as rock bottom AND her being completely gone from our lives has been good. I am stronger and more independent. I finally realize I am going to be okay. I left a mediocre job to accept a role that will challenge and enable me to grow my career quickly and be able to support myself. I will be the first woman in my family to be able to support herself and childen without needing assistance from a man. Breaking generational curses left and right. Infidelity will also end with us; we are working on our parenting capacities ensuring each child feels loved the way the needed. Our children will learn how to solve their problems without Andrea’s. We are working on creating our happily ever after. Both accepting everyday is not going to be pretty but that we are each broken people committed to helping each other become their best person. May my story give someone hope. It is not a pretty picture I paint. The feelings and bond between us is different. It makes me feel complete in a way I never have before. It sucks we couldn’t have figured out our marriage needed help before those failures took form in Andrea. Not all cheating partners are evil people. Most people experience some sort of hurt or pain in the life. They never resolve it, it manifests into unhealthy inner vows that lead to more internal damage. If a person is willing to do the work and you have the strength to support them, then feel no shame in staying. If the person is willing to do the work and you don’t have the feelings or strength needed, then feel no shame in leaving either. I talk to so many people that don’t understand my choice to stay or think it’s for the children and depending on the day I do too. Stay firm in what is right for you. You will be okay no matter what happens. The experiences and lessons you learn will only continue to carve you into the person you were meant to be. (I just can’t leave anything nice. I have no insight on affair partners. As Andrea offered me an entitled nonpology and then continued to pursue him on Snapchat. My experience is that affair partners appear to be the most damaged and damaging of all. They know it and do not care about adding to another’s brokenness.)