submission thirty-two (32)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

The first time was when she had told me an ex was coming to town for his daughters birthday the same one that betrayed her lead her to believe he was single at the time now this was before we were married the early part of 2013 she told me of him coming to town but what made me feel something wasn't right we would talk after she would get off work and i was at work we both worked at the same place different shifts but that night was different we talked for a little while and all of a sudden she stopped i became concerned and decided to check on her at my lunch break where we worked was a matter of less than a mile to my surprise a vehicle was in her driveway from out side i tried calling no answer she worked 2 till 10:30 i worked 10:30 till 6am i heard noting till 8:00am that morning saying she fell asleep not knowing that i knew about the car which was her ex boyfriends car long story short that was one of many deceptions sense after we were married

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

Im feeling so many thing about this marriage as i said that was just one of many deceptions i feel like i have been taken for granted time after time when i found out i was in some what of a shock after telling me her story of how she had been treated i wanted and tried to let her know i will be there for her by the way she have four kids it was always my intentions to let her know that she and the kids were apart of my life and that i was going to do what ever it took to make this work for us all but it seemed things continuously took a turn for the worse

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

A great deal I've had many sleepless nights sometimes i don't eat i feel i just want to work and go home

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

I don't feel i have an outlet we tried counseling with our pastor she even lie to him on another situation went to counseling with her once but didn't think it was going to work because an incident occurred even before counseling

What are your next steps?: 

I feel this is really time to exit this marriage because it seems there's no end to things that keep happening this has took a toll on me dramatically i really wanted this to work but everytime i feel I'm going to give it a chance something else happens i have no trust in her when things happen she tries to justify it like oh it not as you think it is im to the point that i cannot go any further but she wants to make it work she loves me don't want to lose me and when i hear that i really don't know how to respond to it

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Afraid, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Taken advantage of

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Take your time get to know and grow with your partner

What else would you like to share?: 

I was hopeful wanted my relationship to grow things were like heaven at first things changed rapidly i tried to adjust i loved this woman with my whole heart i thought she had that same love for me but the things i went through she couldn't have get to know the person take time to know each other be friends be playful share things good or bad make each feel im here for you no matter what but when you feel things keep recurring your being lie to taken advantage of some times you just have to let go cut your losses and even though you've been in a bad relationship with someone who has treated so badly there's is light at the end of the tunnel there's someone out there who has been through just what you have experienced but give your self time for you let your heart and mind heal seek counseling for you so that the next experience of love will be a great one

submission thirty-one (31)

Your Age: Under 20

Length of Relationship : Less than 1 year

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: I suspected so I put a GPS on his vehicle and got his credit card statements. When I got her name I went to her house and caught him there

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Its be just over a year. Obviously betrayed and depressed for a long time

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Yes both changed. Lost almost 50lbs and still wake up several times a night

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I just started seeing a social worker after the divorce. I bought a new house and have basically no contact with him

What are your next steps?: To try to trust people again.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Strong, Empowered, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued

What emotions are missing from the list?: None

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Value yourself. Follow your instincts

What else would you like to share?: The person I trusted with my life, who I gave 5 beautiful, healthy kids too, whose life I put before my own could easily create a life of lies, secrecy and betrayal and yet see he did nothing wrong.

submission thirty (30)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: I suspected it, too many text messages from a "friend"...three months later I found letters she wrote him in his work bag.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I was in rage then a lot of rage, yelling, cursing, threats. It's been four months, I feel stronger still on a emotional rollercoaster. I still want to RIP that bitches ugly face off. Time heals all pain? I'm waiting for that.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I barely eat nor sleep.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I've been speaking with a therapist for the last couple of months. I honestly love that woman, she gives me a new perspective everytime I see her along with support.

What are your next steps?: Continue therapy, heal, love myself, raise my kids and if the marriage last it does if not move on.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Strong, Betrayed, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?: disgusted, violent, empty.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Communication. Let it all out!

What else would you like to share?:

I HOPE YOU LIVE LOUDER

I hope you live louder. I hope you laugh more. I hope you sing at the top of your lungs. I hope you drive with the windows down and let the wind rustle through your hair. I hope you hug. I hope you kiss. I hope you surround yourself with people who make you feel alive. I hope you become the type of person that brings good energy wherever you go, and the type of person people want to be around. I hope you speak what’s on your mind, that you raise your voice for injustice, that you tell others that you love them, instead of waiting until it’s too late. I hope you live louder, shine brighter. From this moment on.

• Marisa Donnelly

submission twenty-nine (29)

Title: Massage Parlors

Your Story: Just over a year ago, my husband of 22 years and I were lying in bed and I was telling him about some uncomfortable physical symptoms I was having. He seemed worried and started asking lots of questions. Suddenly he got out of bed, turned on the light, and told me he needed to talk to me because he had really messed up and I might hate him forever. I braced myself for what I was about to hear. My husband then proceeded to tell me that he had gone to an Asian massage parlor and received oral sex and now he was afraid he had given me some kind of disease.

I was numb. We had had some difficult times in our marriage which were compounded by caring for 2 special needs children, but never in a million years did I think he would cheat on me. Tears rolled down my face. I didn't know what to do or say. He begged for forgiveness and promised it only happened one time. I couldn't think, I just cried until the next morning.

My husband went to the local health department right away and had a complete STD test and everything was negative. It turned out my symptoms were caused by a kidney stone, but our marriage was broken. I searched bank, credit card, and phone records. I could find no evidence that it happened more than once. I love my husband and we have 4 kids. I wanted to keep our marriage together.

I started to tell myself that it was no big deal, just a blow job. I asked myself if I should really consider it infidelity since it just happened one time with a stranger. I felt like I was going crazy. I didn't tell anyone because I was embarrassed. I felt so sad and stopped taking care of myself. I gained back 30 of the 50 pounds I had just lost.  

I finally realized this was most definitely cheating and we had to work on our marriage if it was going to survive. We started marriage counseling and then we went to a Retrovaille Marriage Encounter Weekend. Retrovaille was life changing. We made so much progress during our Retrovaille weekend and we still use the skills we learned there. We are also still active with the Retrovaille community and follow up meetings.  

My husband committed to making changes. He admitted to a porn addiction which contributed to his infidelity. He stopped looking at porn and started using the skills we had learned at Retrovaille. After some hard work and difficult truths, it was like we had a new marriage. One that had a stronger foundation than the old one.  

We renewed our wedding vows at church a few months ago and things are going well for us now. I still have triggers. Seeing the Asian massage parlors in so many of the strip malls around our home is difficult. I would like to find some way of getting involved to help shut these places down. I have learned that so many of the women who work in these places are victims of sex trafficking. I have moments when I worry that my husband will betray me again and I think maybe I don't know him as well as I thought I did. But, I am choosing to move forward with him. He knows that if it ever happens again our marriage will be over. I am hopeful that I will continue to have fewer sad days and triggers and that the new vows we made will not be broken. It feels like we have come a long way in just over a year and I hope I haven't rushed the process. I just know I never again want to feel the way I did on DDay.

submission twenty-eight (28)

Title: 3 tears

Your Story: My wife and I have been married for 12 years. In that time she has cheated 3 times. They have been emotional affairs up until the 3rd time. Back story. My wife doesn't want to share her past with anyone. Including me. She was in a long term relationship I didnt know about for 10 years.
Lastly her family forced her to move to the USA from Mexico to start over.and before she meet me she had tried to reconnect with her then ex but he never came for her.
In this all she was also here illegally.
So I meet her and we started dating. Had good chemistry and things got serious. We decided to get married and shortly after found out she was pregnant. We decided to move up our marriage and life was good.
I decided for our family to be better off we went thru the process to fix her status to be legal.
Jump forward 2 years fixed everything and she went back to Mexico for 4 month. When she came home it was hard to adjust. I didnt know why but shortly later found her messaging an old friend at 3am. She said it was an old friend and said they were just catching up.
I felt wired and later found out it was her ex and they were messaging. I hacked her accounts and found all her chats for 7 month. Most were innocent but I could tell he felt different to her as she did to him. Because I didn't know and she tried hiding her feelings this was cheat one. Second I didn’t know about until now but 2 years later we were on our 2nd child and life was rough and she reached out to him again. To reconnect or just to talk I dont know. Jump 7 years and my wives mom passed away and he wrote her to pay his respects. Within a week she started sending nude pics and a month after that I found her sleeping on the couch at 4am with her phone on and when I went to turn her phone off I found pics of Him naked and her naked. They are 1100 miles apart but sent the pics none the less.
I copied 3 weeks of chats and couldnt control my emotions. I tried letting it go but I confronted her a few days later. At this point she did not know what i knew. She denied anything physical and said they were just talking. I said I saw the pics and read some chats. She got angry and tried denying how bad it was. 3rd cheat.
Since then I found she deleted the chats from the beginning and tried deleting photos.
I found copies of some pics but chats are gone. She has opened up a bit about her past and I believe most of what she says about the situation but how do you reconcile knowing and reading that you were a mistake, she still loves other man and have talked about health issues from other spouses.
I am lost on how to trust and start over. How to love someone you know loves someone else.

submission twenty-seven (27)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: 

This is going to be a long story. So if you read this, please feel free to comment with your thoughts or suggestions. 

We have been married for 5 years but have known each other for 13. When we met we were both at the end of really bad marriages. We became really close friends first even though we are completely opposite people and he is 17 years older than me. I never intended to be more than friends with him and never imagined that I would love him like I've never loved before. 
We have been through alot together and it made us stronger and closer. I couldn't ask for a better relationship. We never fight, we go everywhere together, and we tell each other everything (or so I thought). 
I have never been a jealous or prying person. If I thought someone was crossing the line I would tell him and let him handle it. 
My husband is a local truck driver. This allows us to talk on the phone all day which is nice. I used to drive a truck as well until some medical problems disabled me. 
One week ago, my husband came to me with his cell phone wanting to know how to send a picture to his buddy through text message (he's not real good at operating technology). He had the phone facing me so I touched the little plus button and his pictures came up to select. As they came up, he moved the phone so fast that I only caught a glimpse of what was there. I thought to myself, did I just see what I think I saw?. I didn't say anything to him about it but as we went to bed I decided that I would just look while he was in the shower the next morning. 
I was shocked and in disbelief. I wish now that I would have slowed myself down and just investigated more before saying anything. I found 2 pictures that he had taken recently. To anyone else they would look innocent but I know what my husband likes and is attracted to. The pictures didn't have her face in them. The camera was focused on the body parts he likes and she was wearing something that is a big turn on for him. 
While my stomach was turning and my whole body was shaking, I confronted him. He said it was innocent and they were just friends. He refused to tell me who she was. While I was seething with anger, he left to go to work. I didn't talk to him that day. 
While he was gone, I figured out who she was. I didn't know her name but I had seen her before. She works at the truck wash that he goes to once a week. He also parks his truck next door to it every night. 
I packed a bag to leave for at least the weekend. Later that night, I decided that it wasn't fair for me to have to leave. I have done nothing wrong. So I returned home. 
He said I was making a big deal out of nothing. They were just friends and he even called me a drama queen. I asked how long it's been going on and he said that he has been talking to her on the phone for the past 6 months. They never talked long, most conversations only lasted for less than 5 minutes but there are times that they talked for 45 minutes or so. What he didn't say was that he was calling her almost every day (even when he was at home). He would also call her several times a day. When I told him that I was going to go down there and let everyone know what was going on he got really angry and defensive. As his face turned red he told me that if I did that he would divorce me and "drag me through the mud" and take everything I have. I was stunned by his reaction. It turns out that she is the girlfriend of the owner of the truck wash.
I asked him alot of questions over the weekend. I told him that you don't have to have sex with someone to cheat. He used to tell me everything, who he talked to and what they said. I never asked, he would just tell me but he never told me about her. He maintained that they were just friends and he was sorry. He said he would stop calling her but he still has to go in there to get his truck washed. After all, it is where his company sends him. When I asked him why, he just said that he "got a kick" out of talking to her. He said there was nothing wrong with our relationship and that he was happy. 
During this whole situation he has been calm, distant, and unemotional. Even as I sat across from him crying my eyes out, he just ignored me. I have never felt so alone in my life. The only time he showed any emotion was when I said that I was going to go confront her. 
I still have the feeling that something more is going on. He lied about how long he has been talking to her. I haven't found the exact date that it started but I know it's been for more than a year. He's tried to downplay her saying that she is dingy and has had drug problems. If that's really the case then why would he be talking to her and keeping it a secret on top of that?
We've gotten to the point that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He is carrying on like nothing has happened. I can't stop thinking about it because I can't shake the feeling that there is more to it.
Don't get me wrong, I never had a problem with him being friends with the opposite sex. I know about a couple of girls he is friends with and I have no problem or question about it. This is different. He never said a word about her and even hid it. He knew what he was doing was wrong.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

I am still sad and it hurts because he violated our relationship. I'm angry that I gave all of me and invested everything in a relationship that I didn't intend to happen and told myself not to get into in the first place. I'm confused because I don't have real answers and I don't know what to do from here.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

I'm not eating or sleeping much. My stomach is in knots.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

At this point I don't know what to do. I feel stuck. I can't really focus and my head feels like it's going to explode.

What are your next steps?: 

Right now all I can do is sit back and watch. I'm aware now. Anything else that he has done will come out. I'm trying to put a plan in place in case I have to leave but it's difficult. I have a limited income and don't have any real friends or family that could help.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible

What emotions are missing from the list?: Hopelessness and frustration

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Don't ever let someone think that just because they say nothing physically happened that it's not cheating. The connection and bond is being built. The attraction and intentions are clear to me.

What else would you like to share?:

submission twenty-six (26)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

I had a suspicion and cornered him with questions he finally spilled

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

I was blindsided gutted and on my belly. Still hard to believe my best friend did this to me. Maybe four years of our 20-year relationship he was true to me the rest of them he spent with whores, strip dancers, porn and peep shows. A real Class Act.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

It took about 18 months but I think my eating and health habits are about back to normal.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

I now found a good counselor it took four tries. I watch YouTube videos that are very insightful. I am joining a group of betrayed Partners next Wednesday. The therapist I am using is a sex addiction specialist.

What are your next steps?: 

The therapist I have started using has helped me to define some really firm boundaries. My cheater is being counseled by another sex addiction therapist and there seems to be no real caring for what I need to heal. So I have laid those things out and demanded to have my needs for sharing and information met or this relationship is over. She said he is either turning towards me in a sincere attempt to help me heal and provide me what I need, or I'm wasting my time. It's painful but it's necessary. It has taken me a very long time to figure things through and get the right help. I hope for you the right half-forward comes sooner there's no benefit to wasting your time.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: Anxiety, disgust, repulsion

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Hold on and do not let this define you. Life will be good again just hold on. This is a very very rough road the worst one I've ever traveled but I do know that there will be a better day.

What else would you like to share?: 

Please look up the symptoms of sex addiction. These people are deeply flawed human beings. If they want to do the right things they will do so bravely. That will be a total turn-about because they are not brave people.

submission twenty-five (25)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: 

My partner said something that aroused my suspicions, so I did some digging into her social media. After finding her correspondence with someone from her high school days and determining the nature of the correspondence, I sat on the info for a while, but a week after, before I could even bring it up, she had removed from the house via a trumped up protective order, and had him moved in 2 days later!

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

I felt betrayed, ashamed, and humiliated. I cried every night for a week while figuring out where I was going to live. I was unable to see our 3 small children because of the protective order which had been planned by the both of them. I was angry, sad, and confused all at the same time.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

I lost about 40 lbs in a month. I do not trust ANYONE anymore.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

I am using nothing.

What are your next steps?: 

We have been trying to reconcile as the “new man” turned out to be an obsessive, abusive, drug addled, psychopath...maybe even severely schizophrenic. We do not sleep in the same bedroom anymore. I refuse to sleep in that bed. We have resumed some intimacy, but only on my terms. I am scheduled to go to counseling in a week.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: None

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Be on your guard, especially if your partner is experiencing or has experienced any sort of grief or trauma.

What else would you like to share?: 

I just want to trust and feel normal again.

submission twenty-four (24)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: A out of area dinner charge on our credit card

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.:

When I discovered her emotional affair with her coworker I was devistated. She said she didn't have sex. We have a good life and young children at home. She is sorry and wants to work it out. But trust is at the core of any marrige. I do understand a mistake but not a choice to break our vows and deceive me for months. She could have came to me at anytime to discuss her needs. So selfish.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

Eating a little less, sometimes hard to still sleep with her

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?:

Researching why people cheat, etc. The info is eye opening. Not as much info on the wife cheating as opposed to husband.

What are your next steps?: 

Started counseling. Still trying to decide if this is the woman I want to grow old with. Continue to pray about it.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Strong, Betrayed, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Every situation and relationship is different, but defibately dont bury your feeling

What else would you like to share?: 

Seek a better understanding of God in your marriage/relationship