submission twenty-three (23)

Title: Infidelity&Hope

Your Story: I just wanted to share my story, my life and what I’m going through so this is going to be a real long post , I really don’t know what else to do I just have to get it out and talk with others who have been in similar situations, or what you all think, how you all overcame it and made things work or just some advice please. I am 25, married with 2 kiddos and I truly love my husband, That being the reason I’ve tried so hard to keep this together after everything that’s went on. We’ve been together 5years now and married 1, a little over 2years ago I found out he was cheating , it had to be one of the worst days I’ve been through, especially with a newborn at the time . One night I was on his phone , on google I saw that someone was signed in and I clicked on it , it wasn’t his name but it was one similar to his, little did I know that one click would change my life , it was so painful, everything just popped up, all these messages all of them addressed to MY boyfriend at the time , and all from “Craigslist” I was in total shock at these messages I couldn’t stomach the stuff I saw and most of them from GUYS , I thought To myself “how could this be???? My boyfriend is doing this stuff? He’s bisexual ? Or even gay? How did I not know? Who is he???? Just all these things where in my head there’s no way to explain how I felt it was just the worst, and He showed no signs of it at all being gay or bi or anything like that *I don’t have anything against gay people or by sexual people at all * you know but this was my man&By the stuff he was saying to these people was just crazy ,he would meet with one of them at least 2 times no sex that I know of but other stuff, and messages to women too , wanting to watch people have sex , I mean it was just so disturbing , I confronted him about it in tears and shaking , I had no words , I immediately left with my newborn and went to my parents I was in total shock, he didn’t bother talking to me he didn’t bother anything he was just embarrassed I assume , about 2 days later he begged for me to please go back he just wanted me and our son back . He is such a good father he really is , I just couldn’t go back there was no way I could , I was disgusted, ashamed , felt so betrayed and I just couldnt face him, I felt like I didn’t even know who he was . A week later I found out I was pregnant with our second baby , I met with him and let him know , he got on his knees crying to me and begging me to please be with him that he made the worst mistake and wouldn’t do anything like that again he dosent know what got into him, that he would give up his phone or do anything , that he isn’t like that at all. So of course I did , it was so hard being with my parents having my baby, working full time , going to school and then being pregnant , I said you know what let’s go ahead and try this again but of course with so much restriction like a kid It felt like, it was absolutely horrible , anyways about 4 months later I found out again he got back on the website when we got into an argument and made post that were like what he used to do,this time looking for that one guy he was talking to , so again I left him when I found out. I wasn’t with him throughout the rest of my pregnancy, but of course saw him when he would come pick up our son , once I had our baby again I took him back . I don’t know why I am just a forgiving person always wanting to keep my family together and he just always knows what to say and do for me to be with him again , There is just so many quality’s I do love about him there are so many things and how great of a father my whole family loves him , just everything else about him is great it beats what he’s done to me I guess , I really just don’t know , and this time you can imagine how untrusting I became , but this time I had to see a change I told him, so he gave me his phone and told me to get rid of any apps and block the internet do anything , so I did it all , he has an iPhone so I did the restrictions thing it has and deleted his apps that had a private google , I became so good at finding out all his old ways and I got rid of it all , minus the internet , just had it blocked , as I talk about this I just feel so crazy it’s hard for me to even say, but that was the only way I would feel some kind of peace while he’s gone , he said I didn’t need to go to that extent for him not to do anything again because he wouldn’t do anything again, but that I could, so of course I did , it was crazy the extent that had become of all of this, I am constantly in my head could he have a phone , could this , could that , but he always reassures me , this was nothing I pictured a relationship/marriage being like , because it’s not supposed to be like this ,till this day it has been horrible. He hasn’t been horrible he has done so much to show me he isn’t messing up , he has his location shared with me, he is constantly calling me anywhere he goes, he’s just been good to me, I’m just constantly on him about any little thing , I want things to change so bad I want to be able to trust him again eventually, things just have to change because I can no longer go through this with him, now i felt like it was me that has become a problem constantly on him about any little thing, and him being gone all the time for work hasnt helped, but with our current situation , me being a stay at home mom watching the kids and getting my degree , We can’t afford for him to get another job where he’s home everyday ,with all our expenses. These past days I’ve gotten worse because I started seeing a change in him again, well we got in a fight for of course something Small, and after that I saw that his internet time went up from what it usually does which concerned me cuz of how that used to happens, and I questioned him about it, he sends me screenshots of his history and everything , but I still start freaking out and not understanding why it dosent add up like how could he use this much mb in 30 min and just thinking the worst , so I haven’t talked to him in 3 days and everyday I am constantly checking his phone records, gigabytes being used, just everything, it has consumed so much of me it’s tiring so I prayed and prayed so much these past three days , I don’t talk to my family or really anyone about this, even though I have such a great support system I’m just the embarrassed to share how I became. I was searching on the internet and I was brought to this page on PTSD from infidelity and I cannot describe what I felt reading this , I just broke down in tears because every single thing on there is how I am, is how I feel , it brought me so much relief, I was beginning to think I was crazy , I didn’t want to see anyone about it because I was embarrassed on how I am with my husband , blocking stuff, checking his stuff all the feeling I go through, the anger , certain things or places that are triggers , constantly on guard , constantly looking for any type of change, it was just everything I face , so I am meeting with someone this Friday , finally to work on me and what this has caused me to become like, but that’s not all, I was lead to this page on porn addicts and again I was taken back , everything on there too is my husband and the stuff he’s done , just everything, and this made so much sense because all my trust issues with him had started due to me finding porn on his phone and that really hit me hard , I was against that and felt betrayed it made me feel real bad , so anyways this definitely could be what led him to do all the stuff he did , it shed so much light onto this situation , he never understood why he did the things he did he just always says it was a dark past he never wants to talk about , I always question if anything happened to him as a child and he denies it and tells me no way nothing like that ever happened to me , so I was always so confused but according to everything I read,it just all made so much sense , what he’s done , the way sometimes he gets distant and sometimes I feel like something is different about him or I see any little changes , he could be going through withdrawals since I blocked everything or still doing it and feels guilt , I have no idea , but he comes home in a couple of days and I couldn’t wait to tell him so I wrote him the longest message ever about what I found out about why I am the way I am and also about his addiction because he always denies everything so I want to know what’s really going on, that was 2 days ago, it shows he read it but he hasn’t replied at all , so idk if he could be mad that yet again I’m accusing him of having a problem or if it’s actually true , or if he is freaked out that I actually have PTSD from what he’s done , there is no telling. I just need some support right now until I meet with someone Friday and until my husband comes home and hopefully tells me everything , I just don’t know :(

submission twenty-two (22)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: 

Its multi-tiered: I first found out about the online affairs when i dropped my phone in the toliet and had to use his to call my sister. Then, after it "stopped," i found more going through the phone on my "regular phone checks." Finally, after i had to get a doctor ordered STD check (due to sexual dsyfunction), he admitted that he was sleeping with someone the entirety of our relationship (up until two months before I went to the doctor.)

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

I was devastated. I am devestated. I continually feel like this isn't the path that i chose. I continually feel like like I'm the one to blame because of my hectic work schedule and because of my chronic anxiety. I feel like a sham. I feel like, as Gordon Ramsey would put it, "an idiot sandwhich."

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?:

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Im choosing to work more, in the instance that i need to have a nest egg prepared. I spend more of my time by myself, so that i dont have to be clouded with what other people want me to do or "what i should do". 10/10 definitely not working

What are your next steps?: 

I have absolutely no idea.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Anxious

What advice would you give to others in this situation?:

What else would you like to share?: 

We still live together. I didnt kick him out. I wish now that i would have because im growing to think that i wont ever get over it. I didnt want to lose him , but im becoming increasingly convinced that im losing myself in the process. We fight all the time. Mostly because i think he should still be apologizing and trying to fight to win me back...but it seems like im the only one fighting to continue this relationship. Every day, i feel more and more like he's with me for the convenience and im with him to save face with my family. 
I went as far as confronting his mistress, who was also married, and all she did was cry. Like i was the mistress and it was her husband. I regret that i didnt talk to any of the other women he was talking to online. 
I dont know. I feel like im stuck in between "whats right" and "what i want to do" and "what is smart" and I would really just appreciate literally anyone reaching out because im so lost and confused and just want to make it work.

submission twenty-one (21)

Title: Have I finally hit my limit?

Your Story: Here is my story - it’s a long one so grab the popcorn.

I’ve been with my husband for almost 9 years. We have two young children, a home and lots of wonderful memories.

I found out that he cheated with a transgender women ( a guy becoming a women)

He has a history of using online dating apps. I have caught him a few times throughout the years chatting. He always told me it was for the thrill of it. I also knew he was Bi so I can’t be too shocked, right? Anyways. He always said it was the thrill of it and nothing would EVER happen. He would always stop using the sites and apps for a little bit but over the years he just always signed back up. 

This holiday season I got a call from someone telling me my husband was with her the night before ( it was so super traumatic as I was driving around looking at Xmas lights with the kids).

This was the first time it was him physically cheating, however when I was pregnant with our first about 6 years ago he left me, at 5 months pregnant and I had to move into the other room of his parents house and it was awful. But I was so hellbent on getting back together with him I completely lost myself, I did everything in my power for him to just come back to me mentally, because physically he was in the next room, chatting away with ‘K.M’ - that’s how her name was saved. Nothing ever happened with them besides chatting, and eventually he came around after our first was born but nope thinking back to that time, I never really talked about it again. I think I was younger and just so happy to have my family back together.

Fast forward 8 years later and he’s on and off those apps, i got a message from a trans person in May saying he was planning on meeting up with her ( which of course he said was all talk - he was cat fishing) but I think when that happened, I started to just shut down mentally, I became depressed and I didn’t even really realize it until a few days before his physical affair. He witnessed me at my lowest and still went out and did that..plus after it was found out ( the affair) this 24 year old person started threatening a and told him that she/he would post pictures he (my husband) sent and convos and it had all this information on hand ( thank you World Wide Web) family’s phone numbers, names - just everything.

So I found myself still protecting my husband, his mental state has never been 100% so I think I took a lot and held so much in because I knew I was stronger. Well I guess I’m not. 

He has been doing everything in his power to help us move forward, and I want to move forward, we go to therapy our communication is absolutely amazing now, he’s an amazing father and he’s just been amazing to me all around. Giving me everything I need ( including sleeping separately for now)..but something inside of me just can’t seem to switch back. Idk I love him I do, and I can even say that I may trust him again but there’s something...something inside that is making me just numb still. Maybe I’ve been through so much? Even though I want to fix things I subconsciously can not move past it. 

Idk - I’m just looking for words of advice, maybe similar situations - I honestly don’t know what to do.

submission twenty (20)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

I had moved for a work assignment while my wife and youngest son stayed in the previous location to allow my son to finish his senior year of HS. Following his graduation, my wife dropped my son off and announced she was staying in her apartment in Virginia. Her ostensible reason was "she needed to find herself" and was comfortable there. I immediately suspected an affair and asked in which she denied anything was happening. I believed her and agreed unwillingly to her plan.
Fast forward 6 years and she announces she wants a divorce. I asked her again if she was unfaithful and she denied it other then a "flirting" incident, but my long simmering suspicions prompted me to start snooping. I found indicators in her web history with searches on pregnancy after 50, how fast a pregnancy test takes, and how to terminate a pregnancy. By this time in our marriage, we had not had sex in nearly 2 years and a virtually sexless marriage in the 4 preceding years. 
Finally, I was able to access her iPad and found the smoking gun--emails between her and her paramour starting 6 years prior that indicating a sexual and emotional affair over at least 2 years. When I confronted her she denied the obvious, showed little remorse, and refused to provide details. I have no idea how long she has been screwing other men.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

I had long suspected so the shock was not as extreme as expected. Nevertheless, I cycled between rage, hurt, and frankly jealously. The interest and love she gave to her affair partner was what I wanted from her.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Sleeping pattern is off and loss of appetite, difficulties concentrating

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

I've turned back to Christ. He has been missing from my life and I needed his solace, love, patience, and forgiveness to cope. I've also started to exercise more to deal with the emotional toll. Journaling has helped, along with therapy, prayer, and confiding in family and friends.

What are your next steps?: 

While I offered twice, she had no interest in reconciliation or marriage counseling. Next I will complete the divorce process, heal my heart and my mind, self-examine my faults and ask for Gods forgiveness, learn from our mistakes to prevent it from happening in future relationships.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Betrayed, Devalued, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?: 

Rage, jealousy, worthless

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Listen to your instincts, rely on close family and friends, self-examine, take the high road

What else would you like to share?: It was extremely painful experience, but I know I will make it thru and hope to learn how to be a better husband, lover, communicator, and friend. I've discarded my wife, although a part of me will always care and love the mother of my boys, she is someone who no longer shares my values, faith, dreams, and interests. I wish her happiness in her life, have forgiven her because I don't want to carry the weight of anger and disappointment in her.

submission nineteen (19)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

Suspicion, intuition and finally, checking phone bills. He denied it until I presented hard evidence, then he gave me dibs and drabs of vague information a little at a time. It was psychological torture.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.:

Devastated when I found out and like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Thought about divorce but only stayed married for my children.
Now two years later, I still think about it daily and I will never trust my husband again. He ruined what we once had and despite the positive changes he has made, there is no going back to how things were. I don’t really love him anymore. I stay for my children and tolerate him. For now. Because that’s the new reality he created for us.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

Yes. Can’t sleep. Poor appetite.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?:

Anxiety medication. Exercise. Therapy. It only helps so much.

What are your next steps?: 

To try to rebuild for now: but if he makes even the tiniest slip up I will serve his ass with divorce papers so fast that his head will spin. And he can explain to our children why mommy and daddy are divorcing. I’m hopeful this will not come to that but I’m now hyper vigilant to anything because he’s destroyed all trust I have in humanity and frankly, my own judgment. We were once the “it couple” and he lived a double life.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): 

Anger, Sadness, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: 

Rage, obsessive thoughts

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Do what you think will be less damaging to your children, whatever that is. It’s not about “you” once you have kids. If you’re childless, go file for divorce tomorrow.

What else would you like to share?: 

I have to live with the fact that he isn’t honest enough to give me the whole story. I’ll never know what really happened. I have PTSD like symptoms as well. His touch makes me cringe.

submission eighteen (18)

Title: Infidelity

Your Story: In 2014 my wife of 24 years had a sexual affair with a man I knew since kindergarten. My wife and I were virgins to each other. It's four years now and I still have the images of them together in my head. Most days I wish I were dead. I still wake up in the middle of the night crying. now that our three children are grown I don't feel I have any reason to live. The pain I have is as strong today as the day I found out about what they were doing. What I want back God himself can not give back.

submission seventeen (17)

Title: Thanks

Your Story: I told my story, way too long and know no one wasted any time reading it, but writing it down, being honest, admitting what happened helped me turn the corner. I read what I wrote a dozen times and the last time I read it I realized putting the hurt down in words actually made me feel better, stronger, like my old self. If you are worried about telling your story dont, it cant be worse than mine, I promise. And when you see it written, when your story, the shit you hid from everyone, is out you can take a huge step forward.

submission sixteen (16)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

He told me . We were laying in bed going to sleep and he told me he had cheated with someone he met at a bar. He lied, trickle truthed and hid secrets from that moment on.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

When I found out I went numb., we had been married for 27 years and this was the second time he came and told me , the first time we were only married 3 yrs. we worked through that first infidelity. Now, 24 yrs later our son was two weeks out from starting University so I kept quiet till he moved out. Then I took a LOA from my job as I had a breakdown. I still suffer PTSD from the emotional , social, and verbal abuse I endured trying to reconcile. He lied through therapy, and I later discovered he was drinking a lot. After 2 years of therapy I discovered there might be a child involved with another AP which I knew nothing about. I continued medication : Wellbutrin and ciprilex to function.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

I rarely eat - I drink a lot of coffee, I started smoking, doing drugs, and drinking to soothe the pain.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Now, four years since DDay I still see a therapist one on one , I use the “Tapping in” method to block the trauma. I have quit smoking and doing excessive drinking and drugs. I work out regularly and I’m fit. It’s still a rollercoaster as we are still separated not divorced. I have a tremendous support team : parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and many friends that have helped me through the tough days. I go on long walks , or ride my bike to breathe and feel alive. I started painting again which helps express myself and releases anxiety. I’ve rid myself of all his friends and family which was very hard after 34 yrs of being together.

What are your next steps?:

 I’m starting a new beginning for myself. I’m building my confidence, my self worth, my dignity. I’m getting better at being assertive and standing up for myself. I’m learning to put myself first and to say “no”. I’m living on my own and I’m very happy, I spend time with my son , we do soecisl things togy: concerts, bowling, sports watching, cooking and lots of laughing. I’ve landed an amazing new job, I’m traveling and I’m in a support group helping others going through the same trauma which helps me put things into perspective and makes me stronger.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Empowered, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?: Traumatized , Humiliated, Belittled, powerless, Depressed, Lost, Suicidal, Revengeful

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Every situation is different , regardless it was never about you it’s the BS and their lack of self respect and inability to be honest in their committed relationship that caused it. Communication is the key to a strong foundation in any relationship , always make time to talk and always be honest with each other. When difficult times arise that’s the time to really hold together and work through it before hurting each other.

What else would you like to share?: 

Once trust is broken it can’t ever be rebuilt. I believe in reconciliation- it’s hard work - it’s painful and tedious - it takes two to make it work. My STBXH never made reconciliation a priority and did nothing to mend our broken relationship, once I decided enough was enough and I left he went through the same set back as I did. Unfortunately he lost everything, his business, his fry, his family, his son, his loving wife - he’s left with looking at himself and wondering why. It breaks my heart to know that our life was going to be amazing cause we were getting ready for early retirement, his stupid choices has given us both a new future - we are now learning to live a life separately. I wish he had done the work to mend our marriage - he took everything for granted never even thinking I would one day say goodbye. I will always love him I just will never be able to trust him or forget how it made me feel.

submission fifteen (15)

Title: A Family BTrayed

Your Story: Betrayal…Infidelity…Unfaithful. These words all have new meaning for me. The man I’ve known for almost a decade could never embody those things. I would have sworn up and down that he would never cheat on me. His love was true. He was one of the “good ones”…the “faithful” ones. And so I stayed. I stayed even when he used hurtful words. I justified that his heart was pure and that if I could just stick in this with him we would find the right therapist, the right medication, the right path for healing his own hurt and I would have the beautiful man and the loving family I so desired and thought was possible.  

It was all a lie. Every word. Every look. Every moment. A charade where he was the puppet master and I was his puppet. His manipulation was flawless. Little by little his kind gestures turned to controlling behaviors. It happened at the speed that you watch your child grow in front of you. The change was almost unnoticeable, until you look back at old pictures, or revisit old memories. With each modicum of commitment he could get from me, it would strengthen his almighty ego. A narcissist feeding on his prey.

I stand here now in the devastation. Like a tornado has ripped through my life. My children and I survived and for that I am grateful. How could their father do this to them? To me? This “man” if you can even call him that, betrayed his own family. The ones who have cared for him and lifted him up. He has destroyed nearly every facet of my life leaving me devastated and shattered. Nearly all that I had built for myself and my children…gone, as a result of the decisions he made day in and day out to betray us on so many levels. The degree of his selfishness is staggering.

As painful as it has been to discover, and then start to process the sexual betrayal, it was the thing that finally opened my eyes wide enough to see this person for who he really was. The degree of devastation was not immediately apparent. Pealing the onion revealed layer upon layer of things I had not yet discovered about our story. Each cut so pungent that it made my eyes well up with tears. I am still sifting through the wreckage, searching for the next discovery…wondering when I will finally be through this painful phase.  

I’ve lost people I thought were my friends, been betrayed by the justice system, endured legal battle after legal battle and will probably be left to watch as all my money and property is taken from me piece by piece to make up for his “mistakes”. Yet there is no real end possible to my relationship with this person who has devastated me. We will always be forever linked through the lives we created. He will always be their dad.

I am trying to surrender to the process. Take joy in the simple things. Believe that somehow the future still holds hope for something better than this. That people are better than this.

And so I take the next step, and the next. Slow. Patient. Ever loving to myself.  

I hope that here with you all, I can find some comfort. Some foothold with which to start rebuilding my life. All my best to each of you as you walk your journey of healing. Let's lean on each other to form something stronger than we are alone.

submission fourteen (14)

Title: Never Told Anyone

Your Story: Sorry this is so long, don't read it, it is the first time I have ever admitted any of this and as I started to type if began to just flow.  

I have never told anyone this . I don't know why, probably embarrassment? I was married 29 years, with her for 33. I wasn't the best husband, or boyfriend, but I never once cheated. I spent too much time with friends before we had kids, softball, stuff like that, but still did a lot with my wife. After we had our first kid I stalled my trip up the ladder and did a work at home thing. That time with my son made my life. with our second child, a daughter, my wife's climb up the ladder was stalled for her so she quit working. 

I had to work longer hours than usual, and with kids it isn't easy, but we spent time together. I should have known she fell out of love 20 years ago. She always had somewhere to be, volunteered for everything, and was always gone. couldn't get her to go away for a weekend, couldn't get her to do much of anything. 

As time went on I came to the conclusion sitting home alone (kids were always busy, I did a lot with them though) I figured why not work more, it will help pay for college and help our retirement. So I did. I became what most people would call a success, and on the surface it looked like a happy family, but I really did not have a wife.  

In our mid 40's the kids went off to school, and since I am running my own company I have a lot more time to spend with my wife. I think everything is perfect, we go away weekends, we go on vacations, we go see the kids a lot, i notice she is on the phone, alot. She is constantly typing. I finally ask and she said you know, social media, friends, etc. Wish I followed up on this. 

A couple days after our 28th anniversary she was very sick, a flu if I remember correct. Her phone is blowing up and I knew she had a project due at work so I thought I would do her a favor. I got to know her boss, he and I became friends, so I grabbed her phone and let her sleep and figured I would text him and explain how sick she really is. Only it isn't him texting. It is "Sara".

Not sure how many women named Sara text "I cant wait to feel my balls in your mouth tomorrow," so I figured maybe this isn't Sara. It isn't Sara. Sara is a halfwit she used to work with 15 years ago. I felt guilty but I went through her phone and found a second facebook account that was double password protected. 

Figured it out quickly, she is sloppy with security. Over the summer she went to a seminar / overnight of people who are interested in spiritual stuff, like spiritual healers, psychic mediums or whatever. ever since her dad died 30 years ago she has had an interest in this stuff. When her mom died two years ago she really became interested. I don't believe at all in this crap, I have always lived for now with an eye towards the future, so I really had no interest but encouraged her to do what she could to make herself feel better. She apparently did. 

This weekend retreat was 40 or so women, all the same age. I never worried about my wife cheating at all. I am not the jealous type, and I truly believed she was the greatest person I had ever met. I especially didn't worry about these retreat things, I attended one with her once so she could show me what they are like in hopes of me taking an interest. Literally everyone in the groups are women aged, 40 to 70, who lost a loved one and are completely lost without them. They are seeking their past, not their future, they hurt and want help.

What never occurred to me is that there are predatory people who know this and take advantage of these women. This I sort of knew in a financial sense, my wife spent a lot of money on this shit. I earn a very good living, she earns a decent living, it seemed to help her, so I encouraged it. There is another type of predator, however, and that is sad sack former incels who pretend to have a gift but really have the goal of sleeping with attractive wealthy older women. I don't blame the guy at all, if she was interested she is at fault, but he is scum nonetheless.

When I found the messages it turns out "Sara" was one of these "healers". My wife was very sick, as I mentioned, so I didn't say anything that day. I did say I have to go out, I was pissed and didnt want to do anything stupid, so I went to see a lawyer. My lawyer was great, she laid out a plan, and I waited two weeks to confront my wife.  

She broke down right away,cried, said she is so sorry, she loves me, but the universe brought her and scumbag together. The universe gave her a sign and she doesn't want to hurt me but... But she did. I went through bank statements and she basically was this idiot's funding source. My lawyer severed our accounts, and while she makes decent money it isn't good enough to support him and half of our household. The lawyer set it up so each of us was responsible for half of the bills; mortgage, cars, school for the kids, kids cars, food, cable, etc.  

My wife felt so guilty she agreed to paying half. She said she was sorry, but the "universe" is never wrong. Turned out, however, the "universe" doesn't like being cut off of money and scumbag quickly dropped her. The sickest part is she wanted me to comfort her. I explained no, I am not helping, and she went to counseling. That helped her immensely. 

We had to separate for 6 months prior to divorcing it is the law here. I got an apartment near work, changed my phone number, and cut off all contact. I worked out, ran a lot, and worked. It helped a lot. Her counselor helped her immensely. After a couple of months I agreed to talk to her. She was very sorry, and very embarrassed. She said she was in a fog, and he took advantage of her, and she wants us to be together forever. I didn't tell her this but I missed her too. She was my everything. 

She told me she didn't know what happened, would do anything to get us back together, and worked very hard at it. She told me everything, including stuff about how 20 years ago she had a crush on someone she worked with. It wasn't necessary, at least the past stuff, that happens to all of us. i explained the same happened to me a couple of times, we are human. She gave me every detail of the affair I asked for, they only slept together a couple of times, and that she really did believe the universe was the cause of it. The counselor helped her realize this was a fantasy, and she was literally sick from embarrassment and shame. 

I said ok, lets try. To be honest I wish I didn't. I lover her, she was my everything. I looked up to her, I truly thought she was infallible. Maybe that is too much pressure on someone, but I really believed she was great. What hit me like a ton of bricks was the fact she really believed this universe shit. I thought she was the smartest person I had ever met. Clearly she isn't. She isn't even close. After a couple of months of reconciliation I realize this isn't for me. I have lost respect for her. I know I lost respect for the image I had of her, not the real her, but to me it doesn't matter.  

She isn't the person I married. What she did hurt me, and still hurts, and will always hurt. All the shit about the "universe" aside, she could have told him no, I am not interested. She could have told me the truth, there is someone else. She could have stopped it on her own. She could have sought counselling on her own. She could have ended the affair and admitted it. She didn't. She got caught or it would still be going on.  

She disagrees, of course, she says she was ready to confess everything and end it and try to fix us. She has proof of this, she booked a surprise trip for us to Mexico in mid February 2018 to Greece and we were going to talk it all out. She may be telling the truth, she may be very unlucky I found out because I wanted to help her when she was sick. She may be, but I don't believe in luck, or the "universe", I live in reality.  

During the reconciliation period over last year I tried. I went to marriage counseling, I did everything I could to try and love her again. We went on dates, long weekends away, I really put out the effort. She booked another trip this February to Mexico, that was my Christmas gift. It is the nicest resort in Cabo, one I have tried to get her to go to for years. She also cleared it with my employees in advance so I didn't have any work to do, she set up everything, even found a sitter for our dogs.  

When I opened the gift, looked at it, looked up at her, I saw nothing. I realized right there it was over. Both kids were home, so I didn't say anything, but I don't want to go. I don't want to be with her any longer. I am happy with me. I am getting healthy again for the first time in years, I enjoy being alone with me, I don't want her along for the ride any more.  

Within the next couple of days I have to tell her I am not going to Mexico. I also have to tell her why. The end result of her encounter with a scumbag, which was brought about by the "universe" led to the end of our marriage. I am not afraid she will do it again, I am disgusted she did it the first time. I am not hurt she chose someone else, I am hurt she lied. I am not hurt I found out, I am embarrassed I found out while trying to help cover for her being sick. I am not happily married, I am devastated I wasted 30 plus years on a total fraud. I am out.