submission thirteen (13)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: 

I was watching tv on the couch across from the chair he was sitting in, we were both on our laptops, I moved over on the couch toward him where I never sit and noticed the screen he was looking at looked like a live person. I got up, looked at his screen, and he had changed it. Sat back down with my iphone, stretched out my arm with my phone and started to videotape him. I viewed the tape and was devastated. I pretended like I was going to bed, snuck back downstairs, came up from behind him and found he was watching watching live cam girls. Got into his history and found for the past 10 years he has been on webcam girl sites, porn and masterbating websites every waking moment he is home, til 3:00 in the morning. Even when I am sitting in the room with him he has been doing this as far back as I can go 10 years.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

I feel ugly now, like I have never mattered, that I have only been there to be a mother for our children, to do all the housework and cooking and basically to take care of him. I feel I am there to be the wife for our social circle. I feel I am only there to serve a purpose, not to be a partner. I am angry, anxious, can't sleep, can never stop thinking about it. I feel like the outside woman.
When I found out I was devastated, I immediately felt cheated on, that I was never loved or respected.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

Everything has changed, I don't sleep, I overeat, I cannot get my work done at work because I'm always online trying to find answers as to how to handle this, why it happened.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

I have been seeing a therapist because as you know, this isn't something you can talk to your friends about. I am holding all my emotions in, my spouse refuses to continue consoling, he is blaming everything on me, that I drove him to porn.

What are your next steps?: 

I am continuing therapy, My husband claims to have stopped watching porn. We have agreed to work on our sex life, but it is hard when I don't know if he is thinking of me or his porn star cam girl that he's been with for the past 10 years. One day at a time

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): 

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: 

Disgusted. Unloved. Disrespected.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

I guess I am looking for advice myself. It is a horrible experience, not knowing if your loved

What else would you like to share?:

submission twelve (12)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

I had to investigate and found more than I ever imagined

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.:

 I feel like he will never fully be honest and it makes it very hard to start over

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

I am finally almost back to normal with the occasional nightmare

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Lots of prayer and time for myself. I am not pushing myself to make any final decisions and am waiting and watching

What are your next steps?: 

Unsure

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): 

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Strong, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Do not make any hastey decisions and put yourself first. Take very good care of yourself and know that what you are feeling is normal and do not beat yourself up over it.

What else would you like to share?: 

I really am not sure if my husband has always liked and cheated or if he made a couple of very poor choices.

submission eleven (11)

Title: Unrequited text

Your Story: My husband of 22 years is from another state...recently on FB an old girlfriend contacted him...he hasn't seen her in 35years...at first he told me about her she was 13 years old he was 16...hes 55 now...they reminisced about old times...he said they never had sex bc he left her when he found out she was 13...he saw her a few times over nextv3cyears bc they had same friends...she screwed up her life husband drug dealer murdered...cancer last year...sick all the time...ex has HIV gets tested all the time...she shares all if this and more with him...and even more intimate things including her feelings for him still...she sent him messenger texts about her still using drugs and drinking...he didnt tell me this until recently...in her texts she sent him love songs and kisses cute little heart filled pics and photos...I saw them once and he didn't lie he said they were from his friends wife...turns out they were not together any more...fast forward to first week of January I get our phone bill which I dont usually look at but I had deleted one of my best friends new phone numbers and was looking for it in the bill...my bill is usually 8 pages long...this time I noticed it was 30 pages long...my wtf moment...calls and texts to the same number hours and hours times when I was at work and at home...his time he goes to the gym...I confronted him and he told me it was nothing he was just trying to help get away from drugs and alcohol and help her with her illnesses...but he deleted all if the texts...hes my husband and I trusted him...then I asked to see his phone he refused...I waited til he was not around and it was plugged in...he had very intimate conversations with her...I heard him on the phone with his friend saying I love her...he said that he was telling him he loved the guys wife fir helping him with something...that note he talked to her about it saying I was watching him like a hawk and then hevsaid... she heard me tell my friend I love you...that hurt so bad...again I start up a conversation about it and he came clean and said he felt bad he left her when he did and she got caught up in drugs and felt he was to blame...he said he loves her plutonicly...like family but their comments to each other say more...she sent him the song how deep is your love the beegees his reply Deeper than you know...she tells him about her hemorrhoids her period her breast biopsy her daughter being in an abusive relationship...getting raped when she was in her twenties saying hes the only one she ever told...again conversation with hubby I'm not leaving you for her I'm not cheating I'm still here...but his heart is not here lots of talking...he kept it secret bc she diesnt like everyone to know her business...she created a new page just for him...her cleavage is her fb pic...shes very needy and I dont want to throw away 22 years of good times with him...he says she said when she finds a man she will have to let hubby go another wtf moment...is texting cheating? Intimacy of any kind with someone other than your significant other is still cheating.

submission ten (10)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: 

My 5 year old son.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

Stunned, shocked, heartbroken, broken.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: More drinking, excercise, ruminations.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Excercise, therapy, social support, distraction, drinking.

What are your next steps?: 

Trying to let go of anger. Wishing he would die.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: 

All the positive ones.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Everyone says time heals. I am not so sure that is sufficient.

What else would you like to share?: The power of the anger inside me astonishes and is unlike any emotion I have ever experienced.

submission nine (9)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: 

Caught him over the woman's house

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

Anger, betrayed, hurt,

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

No

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

God and his word

What are your next steps?: 

Learn to forgive but not forget

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):

Anger, Sadness, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Remember your vows, examine yourself, ask God for help

What else would you like to share?:

submission eight (8)

Title: The affair

Their Story: My husband and I have been married for 10yrs. Yes we've had our ups and downs but I felt like we loved each other and would make it. I have supported him through a tour in Iraq, his job,which hes been to police academy twice for. We have 4 children. I did everything at home cook, clean, take care of the kids. He has always provided for us. I supported every hobby hes had which his recent one is weightlifting. We did crossfit together and I though we were doing good. We have had some financial struggles as expected with a big family. Anyways I've always thought he had some mental issues like PTSD from his childhood, Iraq, and his job but he would ignore me. Couple of months ago he finally went to the VA. He was found to have tumor on his pituitary gland but he has not officially been diagnosed with PTSD. He had become very irritable with me and the children, nothing I did was ever good enough. He would find reasons to stay away from home. About 3months ago he decided to move out. Told me it was so he could take treatments for his tumor which was cancer and get better mentally and we could work on us. He had just kept becoming more and more distant. Then I found out about the other woman. She is 9 years younger and goes to our gym. I knew the first time I ever saw her she was trouble well I was right. He of course denied like crazy then admitted it was a brief lapse of judgement a mistake that he never slept with her. I believed him at first. But he asked for a divorce when I found out. Said we have been unhappy for years, I said I must have been in lala land cause I never felt that. I recently found out he had been with her for months even when he was still living at home telling me he loved me and sleeping with me. I have never felt so much hurt, anger, and just disgust for someone. He continues to lie about his relationship with this girl which I dont understand. This girl is in love and thinks he loves her who knows maybe he does but why does he continue to hide her. I dont wont him back cause I can never look at him the same but I want him to hurt like I do and miss me like I do him.

submission seven (7)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

The first time was just shy of two years ago. My husband had been in the incognito screen on on our computer and left the window open. I sat down at the computer to do something and there it was a picture of a nude woman and an emails in a gmail account that he had set up to correspond with women he met online. We mishandled this incident and he said he was sorry and deleted everything. Unfortunately the worst was yet to come, about 5 months ago I found out he was involved with no fewer than 7 women. Most emotional online, at least 1 sexual, and who knows how many were what he calls "met for drinks".

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

Right now I'm feeling mad, sad, depressed and anxiety most days. My self esteem and confidence are at an all time low. I believe he may be going through a midlife crisis so he was very distant and had distanced himself from me and our marriage. We have been married for 33 year, he turned 60 in December and I will be 60 next month. I knew for quite awhile that something was going on with him and finally when confronted he only confessed to some of the affairs. A few weeks later, I was snooping on his laptop and discovered emails and pictures that he had lied to me about.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

I've lost 12 pounds. I have trouble sleeping and concentrating. Don't have much interest in doing things that I use to enjoy doing.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

I have had a few therapy sessions. We are in marrisge counseling right now. I'm a runner and find that keeping up with my regular schedule helps with the anxiety. I get more out of the marriage counseling sessions, my husband remains very defiant.

What are your next steps?: 

Try to rebuild the marriage and regain the trust. Right now, not sure this is going to happen, every thing I read says it will take time. I need to focus on myself, self care is really something that I need to work on.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: 

Depressed, anxious, hopelessness.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Be nice to yourself, don't fault yourself. Infidelity is a choice my husband made, I acknowledge my role in our marriage problems, but he made the decision to have affairs.

What else would you like to share?: 

This has been the most painful and traumatic thing that I have ever been through. I've made some sense of it in counseling, but there is along way still to go. I struggle with the thoughts of divorce, but know that in the end it may be the only way to find a path to healing.

submission six (6)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: 

Checked his text msgs

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

Not the first time this happened. So not surprised just hurt again

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

I'm bipolar and he doesnt understand my emotional rollercoaster

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?:

Hibernating

What are your next steps?: 

I dont know

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): 

Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Betrayed, Devalued

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Leave when it happens the first time. A leopard doesnt change his spots

What else would you like to share?:

submission five (5)

Your Age: 41-50

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: 

Accidental text sent to me.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

Like I've been dying for the last 4 months.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

25 lbs weight loss, can't get up in mornings, can't work, can't focus, completely obsessing and thinking about her.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Reading articles online, sleeping a lot, therapy....no it's not helping.

What are your next steps?: 

Anti-depressants. Started today.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): 

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: 

Despair, feeling like I'm having a heart attack all the time.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

I have no useful advice.

What else would you like to share?: 

I just want this pain to end.

my story - part 3 (the anonymous post that started everything)

attached is the post that started it all. it was the first time I had written out what had happened to me. I reached out to a group anonymously seeking insight on the grenade that had landed in my life just 3 days before. this group consisted of peers in my industry. I see them as having similar wage levels, similar career pressures, and similar education. I felt safe asking for honest, ‘anonymous’ feedback and their responses were overwhelming.

at the same time, I was just blurting out what had happened to me to anyone who asked me “how my day was going”, or “how I was doing” — the standard “fine”, “good”, wasn’t available to me, and involuntarily I was saying “I recently found out I was cheated on and I’m numb” - it was just coming out of me. to my surprise it was met with honest responses of similar stories. women who had been helping their mothers transition from this life when their husbands cheated, women who found out through the contraction of STDs, it was mind blowing that this was happening to all of us, all around me, and we just kept moving, kept smiling, kept keeping it all together. I’m not slighting men here, as I know this happens to you more often than we think. someone told me they had cheated on all of their spouses made my stomach turn. Maybe I’m different. Maybe my values come from a different place. How tragic is it that people make commitments, and then do the one thing that is the absolute opposite of what love means, what commitment means, what we look to let go of as single people moving through the world. Betrayal shatters our sense of self, corrupts our past memories, and breaks the security and safety we all long for in another human as we walk through this life.

I thought sharing the origin of btrayed might be interesting to anyone who is interested.

this post on the site that will remain nameless received over 2,500 views, and close to 80 comments advising me, empathizing with me, telling me to flat out DTMFA, and consoling my broken spirit. I hope we can continue do the same for each other here.

needless to say - an open relationship was a fleeting consideration, but deep down never something I was going to do. he had been told that countless times for a number of reasons. i considered and posted this because of the way my brain works. I needed to understand what I was being asked and through this one post and the varying responses I also came to understand that he didn’t really know what he was asking for either…