submission four (4)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

The first time, I entered his office bringing him a surprise lunch basket. I saw a letter on his desk and read it. Since I was pregnant, all I could do was sit there and cry. When he returned from teaching he told me not to cry, it was unbecoming and I should have known "women would be after him!" So, I blamed her/them, those women who were trying to take my man!

The second time, while I was working two jobs, bringing in the bulk of the family's income while handling our three sons. One morning when I assumed he was at his insurance job, I see him driving around a strange little boy, coming out of the Donut Shop that he told me I should NOT take our sons to so often because I was spoiling them. When I confronted him that evening (after the second job and picking up the boys from my parents) He told me he was doing a friend and a potential investor a favor. Three days later he took me to dinner and told me it was over.  

Even though I put him out and declared it OVER, it wasn't. When the "Investor" tuned him down, letting him know that for her it was JUST SEX, he returned to the arms of his "First Love."

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

When I found out, I felt STUPID -- like "Plymouth Rock landed on ME! Oh, I said, I been had! I'd been took! I'd been hoodwinked! Bamboozled! Led astray! Run amok! This is what He did to ME". AND, I felt Stupid!

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

Crying was the norm, then paranoia, then depression (that lasted for seven years) and then wight gain that still lingers on to this day.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

What I used for my coping skills hurt me more than the infidelity did. I betrayed my moral and Christian values. Trust me, "What's Good for the Goose AIN'T Good for the Gander!!" I thought that I needed to show him that I was desirable, HOT, wanted, that I could DRAW, that I didn't need him, I could get a man, Nyman at any time. I showed him! I showed me, too.

What are your next steps?: 

It took years for me to get over being cheated on, over being loose and immoral, over being even worse to myself than he was to me. One Thursday night in a bible study, I heard a scripture that said if I could do EVERYTHING right (perfect marriage, perfect spouse, perfect ME) then Jesus died on the cross for nothing. I stopped blaming him and I stopped blaming me. I started to stop hurting. I looked to Jesus for LOVE. I started trying to love more and grieve less. I started to pour my leftover love into others, those who were hurt or hurting like I had been hurt and even worse. I decided to develop ME, My then four Sons, and the Village that surrounded and supported me.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): 

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Alone, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: 

Stupid, inept, unloved.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

First, seek professional help, get your emotions in check!! Then, seek spiritual Guidance, leaning on His Everlasting Arm. Then do something for somebody else and get out of your own way for healing and recovery.

What else would you like to share?: 

Thank you for this venue! It took me 2 weeks to decide to relive that chapter in my life. Your effort to help others, by sharing what we went through, the good, the bad and the oh so ugly, was the reason I submitted my story. Ladies, First to thine Own self be True. Ladies, ALL things -- even betrayal-- work together for GOOD for those who Love God and are call unto his Purpose. Ladies, We did not make ourselves and we cannot fix ourselves. Let the Lord lead YOU!

submission three (3)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : Less than 1 year

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: 

My girlfriend always wanted to have an open relationship and because I did not want it she gave it up, then I started to be curious about an open relationship and we opened it up again but it did not feel good. This is not about feeling betrayed because that’s what she ultimately wants and I don’t.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.:

 Basically we have been navigating the idea of friendship but went on a skii trip together and of course we had a wonderful time and of course we were intimate and I felt more in love with her than ever. Then she asked me what she should do if she is going to hang out with Laura... I said just don’t tell me! And left immediately after our extended New Years weekend. I did not say good bye or give a hug I was very upset. THIS WAS NOT A GOOD CHOICE. I should have counted to ten or something and talked it out. Knowing that would take hours I just left. I was furious. How could she want an open relationship over a relationship with me?? We did not speak and I avoided it until 2 am when I awoke with a panic attack

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

Not eating much or sleeping

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

I just had a long talk with her and connected on a heart level to listen and understand our positions. This is about us respecting ourselves and our own desires in the relationship. I had my panic attack because I don’t want to lose her in my life like I have with past relationships. I regret having blocked out lovers and lost them as friends. Maybe I am clingy? I would prefer to have contact with more than one.. so my lesson now WHICH IS HARDER THAN RUNNING OFF BUT MORE BENEFICIAL FOR THE LONG TERM -I hope - is to stay present and try not to give I to the emotions and still communicate with compassion. This was so hard but I do feel better. Now I am able to eat and sleep and at least get grounded.

What are your next steps?: We are gently holding a time to meet and exchange things. We have agreed boundaries of no making out or intimacy.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): 

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Empowered, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Cornered/Forced, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

I think people are different and you can’t control them. I feel so much relief knowing it’s not my fault and it’s not because I am unworthy or not good enough. We all deserve what we want and some people are not quite sure and we become part of that process. Forgiveness is so liberating. I feel empowered to take this position in light of my own pain and share it as advice because it can be hard to do this alone and this platform is so amazing because it offers us a chance to show up in our best way. Thank you 🙏🏻❤️⚡️

What else would you like to share?: 

Thank you for this amazing platform! I did not think that sharing could be so empowering but I do feel so much better

my story - part 2

she said she loved him and meant it. she had never loved anyone as deeply or as eternally as him. with every fiber of her being – she loved.
she saw his complexities and loved him regardless. built homes so that he would know love, feel love and have a sense of home.
she ate her pride, and held herself as she was washed in the shame of his selfish act. the shame of his dishonesty, and her not being honest with herself. his unfaithfulness and disloyalty, her allowing him to steal her joy tiny piece, by tiny piece with his words.
———–
they started their journey 10 years ago. got in a car that she thought would serve them for a lifetime. they kept their car clean with independent interests and passions they both shared. they fueled their car with trips to foreign lands and new experiences. they were free to follow their hearts, and they stayed in their car out of want and not need. they even had a wild idea to repaint their car and give it an entirely new way to live, but what they neglected was maintenance. tires got low, oil needed changing, brakes squeaked until they no longer worked. maintenance may have saved their car, or prolonged the inevitable- it’s impossible to know now. their car has been totaled. it feels beyond repair. he has found a new car to journey in, and he wants her to join him.
———–———–———–———–
• she tries to make order in chaos

• she is a peacemaker

• she is a nurturer

• she puts others first

• she is drawn to the complex

• she is not a fixer, but a comforter

• she is wise, smart and sometimes feels beautiful

• she doesn’t listen close enough to her own heart

• she takes time to consider everything, every angle, every outcome

• when she really connects it’s deeply, and she doesn’t connect to many

• she protects herself, and for the right one leaves herself wide open

• she holds things in so tightly that her body physically reacts to wake her up

———–———–———–———–
she is awake, alive, and in pain, no – agony. she feels, therefore she knows she is still here.
she is strong. she is searching for herself, for her knowing. she cuts her fingers to the bone while holding the shattered pieces of her heart in place, praying for it to heal.

she sees him now, more clearly than ever. his golden veil is lifting, and his true self is coming into view. she hears others describe him as if they are speaking directly to her in crowded restaurants. he’s most likely been here, this clear for her to see the whole time, but she was either blinded, or he was hiding in his own shadow afraid of seeing himself, or both.

a love this strong is hard to turn off, even when you try with all your might. but this love wishes him well on his journey, and hopes he gets what he needs – without her.

3:20 AM. this was day 10.

submission two (2)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months

How did you learn about it?: 

After a sudden and unexpected decision to end our marriage. Separation/divorce were never mentioned or threatened in our household. You don't just wake up one day and decide you don't want to be married anymore. Not without discussing it, or trying to face whatever uncomfortable conflict that comes with it.

My immediate action was to log into every one of his social media accounts and pull up the search history. There was one girl in particular (that he worked with) who was searched for excessively across every platform. It took 6 long months of questioning myself, and how awful of a spouse I must have been to just abandon -- my suspicions were finally confirmed from connecting the dots on an expensive (take-out) dinner delivery. After logging into the delivery service (website account) with his typical credentials, it painfully showed every order, every restaurant, every meal, and every time food was delivered to her address.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

Then: Broken. 
Now: Broken.
The emotional pain and trauma that comes from the deceit behind infidelity is the ultimate form of destruction and chaos.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

Nothing is the same. Stress and anxiety eating away at me has become the new normal.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Seeking balance and peace to move on. Surrounding myself with people who lift you up and remind you who you are on the days you forget definitely helps.

What are your next steps?: 

A child time-sharing plan and equitable distribution of the marital assets through mediation before finalizing our divorce.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): 

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible

What emotions are missing from the list?: 

chaos, confused, crushed, defeated, despaired, insecure, resentful, silenced,

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Stop, breathe, and challenge yourself with a different internal dialogue. Practice that. Choose a useful story. Your brain needs to learn that it can generate a new dialogue. Go through it but let go of that sad emotion that holds you back. I'm told that's when the magic happens.

What else would you like to share?: 

We can either have what we want, or have the stories of why we don't have what we want.

submission one (1)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

Saw some Whatsapp messages of naked women in his phone

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out: 

Betrayed, abandoned & mainly really stupid. He had a drink problem for at least 2 years, recently found out about the coke problem (when he’d cleared out our bank account) and then to find out he’d been sexting hundreds of women was the final nail in the coffin.
Seeing it written down here makes me realise what a fool I have bern

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

Not sleeping without tablets. Not really eating. Drinking a whole bunch through the festive period and started smoking agsin

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Thank god I started therapy before I knew the whole situation. That and close family/friends. Stops me from going over the edge. I hope.

What are your next steps?: 

No fecking idea, but opening a new bank account was a good first step.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): 

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible

What emotions are missing from the list?: 

Despairing

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Really, we all know that once they have cheated, you can never go bavk

What else would you like to share?: 

Sending hugs to anyone else going through this

my story

So here we are, at the beginning of whatever is next.

The genesis for this site comes from my own experience with infidelity.

It’s recent, I am raw, but I am also hopeful that this way of connecting - anonymously - will help me and you find a way to heal our hearts and souls. We need to be able to move forward, to forgive, and to become whole again for no one else but ourselves.

Details on my story will come soon….