submission thirteen (13)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)

How did you learn about it?: 

I was watching tv on the couch across from the chair he was sitting in, we were both on our laptops, I moved over on the couch toward him where I never sit and noticed the screen he was looking at looked like a live person. I got up, looked at his screen, and he had changed it. Sat back down with my iphone, stretched out my arm with my phone and started to videotape him. I viewed the tape and was devastated. I pretended like I was going to bed, snuck back downstairs, came up from behind him and found he was watching watching live cam girls. Got into his history and found for the past 10 years he has been on webcam girl sites, porn and masterbating websites every waking moment he is home, til 3:00 in the morning. Even when I am sitting in the room with him he has been doing this as far back as I can go 10 years.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

I feel ugly now, like I have never mattered, that I have only been there to be a mother for our children, to do all the housework and cooking and basically to take care of him. I feel I am there to be the wife for our social circle. I feel I am only there to serve a purpose, not to be a partner. I am angry, anxious, can't sleep, can never stop thinking about it. I feel like the outside woman.
When I found out I was devastated, I immediately felt cheated on, that I was never loved or respected.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

Everything has changed, I don't sleep, I overeat, I cannot get my work done at work because I'm always online trying to find answers as to how to handle this, why it happened.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

I have been seeing a therapist because as you know, this isn't something you can talk to your friends about. I am holding all my emotions in, my spouse refuses to continue consoling, he is blaming everything on me, that I drove him to porn.

What are your next steps?: 

I am continuing therapy, My husband claims to have stopped watching porn. We have agreed to work on our sex life, but it is hard when I don't know if he is thinking of me or his porn star cam girl that he's been with for the past 10 years. One day at a time

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): 

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: 

Disgusted. Unloved. Disrespected.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

I guess I am looking for advice myself. It is a horrible experience, not knowing if your loved

What else would you like to share?: