Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 21 years or more
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago
How did you learn about it?: I was checking our cellphone bill to see when I could upgrade his phone after he accidently dropped and cracked the screen. I had never checked our bills, ever. I want to surprise him and order one for him and pay off any balance he had on his current phone. I could not find it on the summarized statement so I looked on a detailed statement, scrolled to his section of the bill and seen thousands of texts, pictures exchanged, and hours of conversation during his work hours, or during the hours I was at my second job or church group.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: When I see the number, I did not immediately recognize but I just knew. I know that is a cliché often used, but is true. I was at my elementary school site setting up my classroom for the new school year, and had just started my lunch hour. I immediately became overwhelmed and began to cry, without immediately understanding why it was affecting so much. I mean, I hadn't even check the number. I was just in utterly in shock, that I just stood in "the freeze" position of our natural fight, flight, or freeze for three week, it took me that long to decide I needed to tell someone, because I became obsessed with checking the recent activity on the Cell Phone Providers Mobile App. I called a private investigator to check stuff out for me. I was a full time teacher, then taught Education courses at the local community college in the evenings. When all the proof I needed was collected, I found out that she was a co-worker of his and that she was in the middle of a divorce (which she filed 4 months after beginning an affair with my husband) had seven children and had a husband who was fighting like hell to save his marriage. I was so disgusted, I could not even fathom why my husband would do this me and our two sons. I had to watch him come home, lie to face, and act like he was my great husband. To say I was blindsided, is a severe understatement. Yet I was horrified to tell him I knew and that I had proof. I didn't confront him for over 90 days because I really didn't want him to say it...the dreaded, I'm leaving you for her. Then one day it just came spilling out. He denied it of course and then when I pulled out the PI folder of evidence, he just said, "I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say, I'll end it."
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: My normal habit have drastically changed. I went through a very bad depression, Post traumatic Infidelity Disorder, and had to deal with triggers everyday. It took 3 months before he could transfer to a new job, not to work with his affair partner. I still do not sleep well, it is during bedtime that the emotional flooding returns. It has caused lots of nighttime arguments. I quit my teaching job and could not cope with the intrusive thoughts while I was at work. He often did much of his dating and sexual contact with his affair partner during the work day. Everything I used to love to do was just put on pause. I also felt as if he was always annoyed that I was not "just getting over it." He thought that since he ended it, and transferred that it was enough.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: He refused to go to therapy at first. Made an issue that I went to individual therapy and was livid that I was prescribed antidepressants. I tried to keep it between just us, and not telling anyone, even my own mother (this was also advised by my therapist, so others don't influence my decisions) but it felt like he did the very bare minimum, "so I would not complain." I also would fell like I was the problem, because everyone who didn't know, would tell me how great my husband was and how we complimented each other so well. I have to talk my self through my feeling and triggers. I still do individual therapy. He only did 3 sessions with me then decided that he knew everything he need to know and "knew what to do now". I had journal a lot and let it out this way. But then there's day that I completely lose it, transfer my pain to him and give him a real piece of my mind. I've learned to stop freezing or fleeing the hard conversations or work. I learned to fight to let him know my worth.
What are your next steps?: My current steps are to get a legal separation/divorce. I can't be the only one trying to fix it. I can't change my whole life and trust that I maybe he won't do it again. I can only control my own actions.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed
What emotions are missing from the list?: Ashamed, Unworthy
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Don't get stuck trying to explain to the cheating spouse how they hurt you. If they don't truly show remorse and change themselves (you don't need to change anything about yourself for someone who would not do the same for you) then leave the situation and treat yourself like the most valuable thing in your life. I still love my husband, but it is not enough anymore.
What else would you like to share?: Never let anyone make you feel that you are weak if you need to ask for help. Therapy works and if you need medication to assist you, there is no shame in it. National Suicide Prevention Hotline tel:1-800-273-8255.
