Title: How do I heal?
Your Story: I never thought I'd marry someone who cheated on me so many times. Yet, here i am. Recently married, 6 months pregnant. Terrified because there's so much more at stake. I don't know how to trust him. I don't know how to forgive and finally, finally heal. I think it would be easier for me if i had been able to leave him. But i stayed and married him.
He lied and cheated from the very beginning. I met him online. He was living with a friend with benefits/girlfriend at the time. He told me his "landlord" had a daughter. I don't know if they were sleeping together then, but he lied from the beginning.
He was constantly saying angry, disparaging things about another ex girlfriend. She had filed a restraining order. After the restraining order ended. He started talking to her in secret. I left the country to visit my mother for a week. He slept with her. Thus began the cycle of us breaking up and making up. i assume the same thing happened simultaneously with the ex girlfriend.
Finally i managed to free myself. I broke up with him, changed my number and email, and moved to a different town. I was deeply depressed for many months. I would come home from work and sob and sob and sob uncontrollably.
I still felt that i loved him. Finally, i reached out. I didn't want to cause him pain. I was very cautious at first because i was convinced that he was a narcissist. The serial cheating, the lack of empathy or accountability, the horrible anger and verbal abuse. I was convinced that he had found someone else to date. He swore he hadn't. There was no one. I was wrong. Gradually i let my guard down. Lo and behold he had lied again and i was right the whole time. She contacted me. We told each other everything honestly. But he confused me. Maybe she wasn't really his girlfriend? He tended to sleep on her couch. She went to Italy with an ex boyfriend she was still friends with. And maybe, instead of fighting, we could accept reality and make an open relationship work. I didn't believe he would ever be honest or faithful. But i loved him. Or maybe i felt trapped. Looking back, I'm not sure why i put up with him again.
The open relationship was a total disaster. The other girlfriend would send me angry jealous texts. She tore me down emotionally and it took a toll. He didn't want us to meet or even speak to each other. He didn't take my feelings seriously or the emotional damage the other woman was doing to me. He continued seeing at least 2 or 3 other women. One from work, the other the friend he had lived with, the other the ex who had filed the restraining order. He went on a trip to maine with the girl he had lived with. I tried to hold it together after he got back. But shortly after he returned he had an angry outburst. Called me a cunt. Not the first or last time he's spoken to me that way. Finally i cut it off. And this time, i was angry instead of depressed. I found out he had given me an STD.
Months later, i suppose in an effort to heal, i reached out to him. Always searching for peace. Then the pandemic started. The chaos in the world brought us closer together. I was convinced i really loved him.
When we started seeing each other again, he told me he was dating the girl who had the restraining order. But he wasn't happy, they kept breaking up and fighting constantly. One day, during a moment of weakness, i gave in to his advances. He told me he was currently single. I asked him not to go back to her. Later he told me he needed time to break up with her. I gave him time. Then he asked for more time... and more time. Finally i set a deadline. I did not want to help him cheat on his girlfriend. He then switched to outright lying. Said he had broken up but she was an old and cherished friend and he still saw her. Looking back, the lie was so clear and obvious. I guess i felt trapped. I couldn't really prove he was lying. I had hoped for a future with him... because i loved him. And i did try breaking up with him many times. He did not let me. Each time was an ordeal and it wore me down. I can't really explain it. I expect better from myself.
He had a fight with this girl just before his birthday. I guess i convinced myself she was mistreating him. I thought their relationship/friendship/whatever it was toxicship was done. He stayed with me Friday night. And Saturday when i woke up he was gone, and my calls were blocked. He didn't reply to any of my attempts to contact him. Finally, he called me after dropping her off. He had gone to a wedding with her. And just like that was i done. I felt i was totally done with him and his lies and cheating.
I still didn't have proof, and he denied he had done anything sexual with her. He kept pursuing me. When that didn't work he started berating me. Finally i threatened him: leave me alone or i contact her and tell her everything. He didn't stop. I contacted her. And everything came out. Months of lies. Both of us women cut him off. He began stalking, harassing and threatening both of us. Sent me pictures of him and her doing sexual things together. I changed my number and email. I tried to stay away from him without filing a restraining order. I didn't want to be sucked back in again but i also didn't want to hurt him.
Finally the other girl filed a restraining order. My now husband was weak, sick, thin, and looked suicidal. He was sleeping in his car. I couldn't bear to see him destroy himself that way. So i let him back in.
Now, we are married, living in another state, and expecting a baby boy. The pain of what i experienced continues to haunt me. I don't know how to trust him or heal. I don't know if he even takes my pain seriously.