Your Age: 31-40
Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago
How did you learn about it?: I found out when he was in the toilet late at night and I realised he was online on WhatsApp. I asked him, innocently, who he was talking to when he returned back downstairs. He began to sweat and stutter - his tell tale signs of lying. At that moment, I just knew and my children and my world broke apart.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: When I found out I was completely shocked. It came from absolutely no where. I felt sick. I had a panic attack and left my marital home, driving straight to my parents. I was heart broken for my children and for myself. I knew that I would not tolerate infidelity and so this meant my marriage was over. However, he left for the women he was cheating with anyway.
In those first few months I was determined to be strong - but real - for my children. They saw my strength, my resilience but they also saw my tears, my pain and my heartbreak. They saw me putting one foot in front of the other and promoting contact between them and their father; they also saw my struggle and emotional and financial hardship as I came the realisation my husband was actually a stranger.
In three months I lost five stone, my hair fell out from the stress. But I slowly rebuilt myself with support and love from my friends and family, counselling, CBT and medication too.
Now, I feel relief. I no longer have to be married to a narcissist. I no longer have to worry about his deceit. But I do still hurt for my children as he is inconsistent with them (although he never had been during the marriage; he was an excellent father then). He cannot prioritise them and is inconsistent with contact.
I have moved on and found true happiness.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t work. I lost five stone in a matter of months. My hair fell out due to the trauma - not all of it but a significant amount. I couldn’t function. My emotions were all over the place.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I had amazing family and friends.
I am a strong and resilient woman and never blamed myself. I knew his behaviour was a reflection of him and not me.
I used antidepressants and anti anxiety medicating for over a year. I also had counselling and then CBT. In the early days, I got a personal trainer and got healthy.
What are your next steps?: My children were my next steps from the day I found out. Continuing to prioritise them, protect them and love them is my goal so they can hopefully grow into loved, healthy adults.
For myself, I am always reflecting and being compassionate and gentle with myself. It is difficult to trust. When your best friend of fifteen years betrays you, you feel that anyone can. Words no longer mean anything.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Sadness, Alone, Strong, Empowered, Betrayed, Devalued, Relieved
What emotions are missing from the list?:
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Take every day as it comes. Sometimes hour by hour and minute by minute. Be gentle with yourself; you are not to blame. You will never be the same again but you will smile again; you will become an even better version of yourself because through reflection comes insight and through insight comes empowerment.
What else would you like to share?: