submission twenty-one (21)

Title: Have I finally hit my limit?

Your Story: Here is my story - it’s a long one so grab the popcorn.

I’ve been with my husband for almost 9 years. We have two young children, a home and lots of wonderful memories.

I found out that he cheated with a transgender women ( a guy becoming a women)

He has a history of using online dating apps. I have caught him a few times throughout the years chatting. He always told me it was for the thrill of it. I also knew he was Bi so I can’t be too shocked, right? Anyways. He always said it was the thrill of it and nothing would EVER happen. He would always stop using the sites and apps for a little bit but over the years he just always signed back up. 

This holiday season I got a call from someone telling me my husband was with her the night before ( it was so super traumatic as I was driving around looking at Xmas lights with the kids).

This was the first time it was him physically cheating, however when I was pregnant with our first about 6 years ago he left me, at 5 months pregnant and I had to move into the other room of his parents house and it was awful. But I was so hellbent on getting back together with him I completely lost myself, I did everything in my power for him to just come back to me mentally, because physically he was in the next room, chatting away with ‘K.M’ - that’s how her name was saved. Nothing ever happened with them besides chatting, and eventually he came around after our first was born but nope thinking back to that time, I never really talked about it again. I think I was younger and just so happy to have my family back together.

Fast forward 8 years later and he’s on and off those apps, i got a message from a trans person in May saying he was planning on meeting up with her ( which of course he said was all talk - he was cat fishing) but I think when that happened, I started to just shut down mentally, I became depressed and I didn’t even really realize it until a few days before his physical affair. He witnessed me at my lowest and still went out and did after it was found out ( the affair) this 24 year old person started threatening a and told him that she/he would post pictures he (my husband) sent and convos and it had all this information on hand ( thank you World Wide Web) family’s phone numbers, names - just everything.

So I found myself still protecting my husband, his mental state has never been 100% so I think I took a lot and held so much in because I knew I was stronger. Well I guess I’m not. 

He has been doing everything in his power to help us move forward, and I want to move forward, we go to therapy our communication is absolutely amazing now, he’s an amazing father and he’s just been amazing to me all around. Giving me everything I need ( including sleeping separately for now)..but something inside of me just can’t seem to switch back. Idk I love him I do, and I can even say that I may trust him again but there’s something...something inside that is making me just numb still. Maybe I’ve been through so much? Even though I want to fix things I subconsciously can not move past it. 

Idk - I’m just looking for words of advice, maybe similar situations - I honestly don’t know what to do.