submission nineteen (19)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

Suspicion, intuition and finally, checking phone bills. He denied it until I presented hard evidence, then he gave me dibs and drabs of vague information a little at a time. It was psychological torture.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.:

Devastated when I found out and like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Thought about divorce but only stayed married for my children.
Now two years later, I still think about it daily and I will never trust my husband again. He ruined what we once had and despite the positive changes he has made, there is no going back to how things were. I don’t really love him anymore. I stay for my children and tolerate him. For now. Because that’s the new reality he created for us.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

Yes. Can’t sleep. Poor appetite.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?:

Anxiety medication. Exercise. Therapy. It only helps so much.

What are your next steps?: 

To try to rebuild for now: but if he makes even the tiniest slip up I will serve his ass with divorce papers so fast that his head will spin. And he can explain to our children why mommy and daddy are divorcing. I’m hopeful this will not come to that but I’m now hyper vigilant to anything because he’s destroyed all trust I have in humanity and frankly, my own judgment. We were once the “it couple” and he lived a double life.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): 

Anger, Sadness, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: 

Rage, obsessive thoughts

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

Do what you think will be less damaging to your children, whatever that is. It’s not about “you” once you have kids. If you’re childless, go file for divorce tomorrow.

What else would you like to share?: 

I have to live with the fact that he isn’t honest enough to give me the whole story. I’ll never know what really happened. I have PTSD like symptoms as well. His touch makes me cringe.