submission twenty-three (23)

Title: Infidelity&Hope

Your Story: I just wanted to share my story, my life and what I’m going through so this is going to be a real long post , I really don’t know what else to do I just have to get it out and talk with others who have been in similar situations, or what you all think, how you all overcame it and made things work or just some advice please. I am 25, married with 2 kiddos and I truly love my husband, That being the reason I’ve tried so hard to keep this together after everything that’s went on. We’ve been together 5years now and married 1, a little over 2years ago I found out he was cheating , it had to be one of the worst days I’ve been through, especially with a newborn at the time . One night I was on his phone , on google I saw that someone was signed in and I clicked on it , it wasn’t his name but it was one similar to his, little did I know that one click would change my life , it was so painful, everything just popped up, all these messages all of them addressed to MY boyfriend at the time , and all from “Craigslist” I was in total shock at these messages I couldn’t stomach the stuff I saw and most of them from GUYS , I thought To myself “how could this be???? My boyfriend is doing this stuff? He’s bisexual ? Or even gay? How did I not know? Who is he???? Just all these things where in my head there’s no way to explain how I felt it was just the worst, and He showed no signs of it at all being gay or bi or anything like that *I don’t have anything against gay people or by sexual people at all * you know but this was my man&By the stuff he was saying to these people was just crazy ,he would meet with one of them at least 2 times no sex that I know of but other stuff, and messages to women too , wanting to watch people have sex , I mean it was just so disturbing , I confronted him about it in tears and shaking , I had no words , I immediately left with my newborn and went to my parents I was in total shock, he didn’t bother talking to me he didn’t bother anything he was just embarrassed I assume , about 2 days later he begged for me to please go back he just wanted me and our son back . He is such a good father he really is , I just couldn’t go back there was no way I could , I was disgusted, ashamed , felt so betrayed and I just couldnt face him, I felt like I didn’t even know who he was . A week later I found out I was pregnant with our second baby , I met with him and let him know , he got on his knees crying to me and begging me to please be with him that he made the worst mistake and wouldn’t do anything like that again he dosent know what got into him, that he would give up his phone or do anything , that he isn’t like that at all. So of course I did , it was so hard being with my parents having my baby, working full time , going to school and then being pregnant , I said you know what let’s go ahead and try this again but of course with so much restriction like a kid It felt like, it was absolutely horrible , anyways about 4 months later I found out again he got back on the website when we got into an argument and made post that were like what he used to do,this time looking for that one guy he was talking to , so again I left him when I found out. I wasn’t with him throughout the rest of my pregnancy, but of course saw him when he would come pick up our son , once I had our baby again I took him back . I don’t know why I am just a forgiving person always wanting to keep my family together and he just always knows what to say and do for me to be with him again , There is just so many quality’s I do love about him there are so many things and how great of a father my whole family loves him , just everything else about him is great it beats what he’s done to me I guess , I really just don’t know , and this time you can imagine how untrusting I became , but this time I had to see a change I told him, so he gave me his phone and told me to get rid of any apps and block the internet do anything , so I did it all , he has an iPhone so I did the restrictions thing it has and deleted his apps that had a private google , I became so good at finding out all his old ways and I got rid of it all , minus the internet , just had it blocked , as I talk about this I just feel so crazy it’s hard for me to even say, but that was the only way I would feel some kind of peace while he’s gone , he said I didn’t need to go to that extent for him not to do anything again because he wouldn’t do anything again, but that I could, so of course I did , it was crazy the extent that had become of all of this, I am constantly in my head could he have a phone , could this , could that , but he always reassures me , this was nothing I pictured a relationship/marriage being like , because it’s not supposed to be like this ,till this day it has been horrible. He hasn’t been horrible he has done so much to show me he isn’t messing up , he has his location shared with me, he is constantly calling me anywhere he goes, he’s just been good to me, I’m just constantly on him about any little thing , I want things to change so bad I want to be able to trust him again eventually, things just have to change because I can no longer go through this with him, now i felt like it was me that has become a problem constantly on him about any little thing, and him being gone all the time for work hasnt helped, but with our current situation , me being a stay at home mom watching the kids and getting my degree , We can’t afford for him to get another job where he’s home everyday ,with all our expenses. These past days I’ve gotten worse because I started seeing a change in him again, well we got in a fight for of course something Small, and after that I saw that his internet time went up from what it usually does which concerned me cuz of how that used to happens, and I questioned him about it, he sends me screenshots of his history and everything , but I still start freaking out and not understanding why it dosent add up like how could he use this much mb in 30 min and just thinking the worst , so I haven’t talked to him in 3 days and everyday I am constantly checking his phone records, gigabytes being used, just everything, it has consumed so much of me it’s tiring so I prayed and prayed so much these past three days , I don’t talk to my family or really anyone about this, even though I have such a great support system I’m just the embarrassed to share how I became. I was searching on the internet and I was brought to this page on PTSD from infidelity and I cannot describe what I felt reading this , I just broke down in tears because every single thing on there is how I am, is how I feel , it brought me so much relief, I was beginning to think I was crazy , I didn’t want to see anyone about it because I was embarrassed on how I am with my husband , blocking stuff, checking his stuff all the feeling I go through, the anger , certain things or places that are triggers , constantly on guard , constantly looking for any type of change, it was just everything I face , so I am meeting with someone this Friday , finally to work on me and what this has caused me to become like, but that’s not all, I was lead to this page on porn addicts and again I was taken back , everything on there too is my husband and the stuff he’s done , just everything, and this made so much sense because all my trust issues with him had started due to me finding porn on his phone and that really hit me hard , I was against that and felt betrayed it made me feel real bad , so anyways this definitely could be what led him to do all the stuff he did , it shed so much light onto this situation , he never understood why he did the things he did he just always says it was a dark past he never wants to talk about , I always question if anything happened to him as a child and he denies it and tells me no way nothing like that ever happened to me , so I was always so confused but according to everything I read,it just all made so much sense , what he’s done , the way sometimes he gets distant and sometimes I feel like something is different about him or I see any little changes , he could be going through withdrawals since I blocked everything or still doing it and feels guilt , I have no idea , but he comes home in a couple of days and I couldn’t wait to tell him so I wrote him the longest message ever about what I found out about why I am the way I am and also about his addiction because he always denies everything so I want to know what’s really going on, that was 2 days ago, it shows he read it but he hasn’t replied at all , so idk if he could be mad that yet again I’m accusing him of having a problem or if it’s actually true , or if he is freaked out that I actually have PTSD from what he’s done , there is no telling. I just need some support right now until I meet with someone Friday and until my husband comes home and hopefully tells me everything , I just don’t know :(