submission twenty-two (22)

Your Age: 21-30

Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months

How did you learn about it?: 

Its multi-tiered: I first found out about the online affairs when i dropped my phone in the toliet and had to use his to call my sister. Then, after it "stopped," i found more going through the phone on my "regular phone checks." Finally, after i had to get a doctor ordered STD check (due to sexual dsyfunction), he admitted that he was sleeping with someone the entirety of our relationship (up until two months before I went to the doctor.)

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

I was devastated. I am devestated. I continually feel like this isn't the path that i chose. I continually feel like like I'm the one to blame because of my hectic work schedule and because of my chronic anxiety. I feel like a sham. I feel like, as Gordon Ramsey would put it, "an idiot sandwhich."

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?:

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Im choosing to work more, in the instance that i need to have a nest egg prepared. I spend more of my time by myself, so that i dont have to be clouded with what other people want me to do or "what i should do". 10/10 definitely not working

What are your next steps?: 

I have absolutely no idea.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Anxious

What advice would you give to others in this situation?:

What else would you like to share?: 

We still live together. I didnt kick him out. I wish now that i would have because im growing to think that i wont ever get over it. I didnt want to lose him , but im becoming increasingly convinced that im losing myself in the process. We fight all the time. Mostly because i think he should still be apologizing and trying to fight to win me back...but it seems like im the only one fighting to continue this relationship. Every day, i feel more and more like he's with me for the convenience and im with him to save face with my family. 
I went as far as confronting his mistress, who was also married, and all she did was cry. Like i was the mistress and it was her husband. I regret that i didnt talk to any of the other women he was talking to online. 
I dont know. I feel like im stuck in between "whats right" and "what i want to do" and "what is smart" and I would really just appreciate literally anyone reaching out because im so lost and confused and just want to make it work.