Title: Never Told Anyone
Your Story: Sorry this is so long, don't read it, it is the first time I have ever admitted any of this and as I started to type if began to just flow.
I have never told anyone this . I don't know why, probably embarrassment? I was married 29 years, with her for 33. I wasn't the best husband, or boyfriend, but I never once cheated. I spent too much time with friends before we had kids, softball, stuff like that, but still did a lot with my wife. After we had our first kid I stalled my trip up the ladder and did a work at home thing. That time with my son made my life. with our second child, a daughter, my wife's climb up the ladder was stalled for her so she quit working.
I had to work longer hours than usual, and with kids it isn't easy, but we spent time together. I should have known she fell out of love 20 years ago. She always had somewhere to be, volunteered for everything, and was always gone. couldn't get her to go away for a weekend, couldn't get her to do much of anything.
As time went on I came to the conclusion sitting home alone (kids were always busy, I did a lot with them though) I figured why not work more, it will help pay for college and help our retirement. So I did. I became what most people would call a success, and on the surface it looked like a happy family, but I really did not have a wife.
In our mid 40's the kids went off to school, and since I am running my own company I have a lot more time to spend with my wife. I think everything is perfect, we go away weekends, we go on vacations, we go see the kids a lot, i notice she is on the phone, alot. She is constantly typing. I finally ask and she said you know, social media, friends, etc. Wish I followed up on this.
A couple days after our 28th anniversary she was very sick, a flu if I remember correct. Her phone is blowing up and I knew she had a project due at work so I thought I would do her a favor. I got to know her boss, he and I became friends, so I grabbed her phone and let her sleep and figured I would text him and explain how sick she really is. Only it isn't him texting. It is "Sara".
Not sure how many women named Sara text "I cant wait to feel my balls in your mouth tomorrow," so I figured maybe this isn't Sara. It isn't Sara. Sara is a halfwit she used to work with 15 years ago. I felt guilty but I went through her phone and found a second facebook account that was double password protected.
Figured it out quickly, she is sloppy with security. Over the summer she went to a seminar / overnight of people who are interested in spiritual stuff, like spiritual healers, psychic mediums or whatever. ever since her dad died 30 years ago she has had an interest in this stuff. When her mom died two years ago she really became interested. I don't believe at all in this crap, I have always lived for now with an eye towards the future, so I really had no interest but encouraged her to do what she could to make herself feel better. She apparently did.
This weekend retreat was 40 or so women, all the same age. I never worried about my wife cheating at all. I am not the jealous type, and I truly believed she was the greatest person I had ever met. I especially didn't worry about these retreat things, I attended one with her once so she could show me what they are like in hopes of me taking an interest. Literally everyone in the groups are women aged, 40 to 70, who lost a loved one and are completely lost without them. They are seeking their past, not their future, they hurt and want help.
What never occurred to me is that there are predatory people who know this and take advantage of these women. This I sort of knew in a financial sense, my wife spent a lot of money on this shit. I earn a very good living, she earns a decent living, it seemed to help her, so I encouraged it. There is another type of predator, however, and that is sad sack former incels who pretend to have a gift but really have the goal of sleeping with attractive wealthy older women. I don't blame the guy at all, if she was interested she is at fault, but he is scum nonetheless.
When I found the messages it turns out "Sara" was one of these "healers". My wife was very sick, as I mentioned, so I didn't say anything that day. I did say I have to go out, I was pissed and didnt want to do anything stupid, so I went to see a lawyer. My lawyer was great, she laid out a plan, and I waited two weeks to confront my wife.
She broke down right away,cried, said she is so sorry, she loves me, but the universe brought her and scumbag together. The universe gave her a sign and she doesn't want to hurt me but... But she did. I went through bank statements and she basically was this idiot's funding source. My lawyer severed our accounts, and while she makes decent money it isn't good enough to support him and half of our household. The lawyer set it up so each of us was responsible for half of the bills; mortgage, cars, school for the kids, kids cars, food, cable, etc.
My wife felt so guilty she agreed to paying half. She said she was sorry, but the "universe" is never wrong. Turned out, however, the "universe" doesn't like being cut off of money and scumbag quickly dropped her. The sickest part is she wanted me to comfort her. I explained no, I am not helping, and she went to counseling. That helped her immensely.
We had to separate for 6 months prior to divorcing it is the law here. I got an apartment near work, changed my phone number, and cut off all contact. I worked out, ran a lot, and worked. It helped a lot. Her counselor helped her immensely. After a couple of months I agreed to talk to her. She was very sorry, and very embarrassed. She said she was in a fog, and he took advantage of her, and she wants us to be together forever. I didn't tell her this but I missed her too. She was my everything.
She told me she didn't know what happened, would do anything to get us back together, and worked very hard at it. She told me everything, including stuff about how 20 years ago she had a crush on someone she worked with. It wasn't necessary, at least the past stuff, that happens to all of us. i explained the same happened to me a couple of times, we are human. She gave me every detail of the affair I asked for, they only slept together a couple of times, and that she really did believe the universe was the cause of it. The counselor helped her realize this was a fantasy, and she was literally sick from embarrassment and shame.
I said ok, lets try. To be honest I wish I didn't. I lover her, she was my everything. I looked up to her, I truly thought she was infallible. Maybe that is too much pressure on someone, but I really believed she was great. What hit me like a ton of bricks was the fact she really believed this universe shit. I thought she was the smartest person I had ever met. Clearly she isn't. She isn't even close. After a couple of months of reconciliation I realize this isn't for me. I have lost respect for her. I know I lost respect for the image I had of her, not the real her, but to me it doesn't matter.
She isn't the person I married. What she did hurt me, and still hurts, and will always hurt. All the shit about the "universe" aside, she could have told him no, I am not interested. She could have told me the truth, there is someone else. She could have stopped it on her own. She could have sought counselling on her own. She could have ended the affair and admitted it. She didn't. She got caught or it would still be going on.
She disagrees, of course, she says she was ready to confess everything and end it and try to fix us. She has proof of this, she booked a surprise trip for us to Mexico in mid February 2018 to Greece and we were going to talk it all out. She may be telling the truth, she may be very unlucky I found out because I wanted to help her when she was sick. She may be, but I don't believe in luck, or the "universe", I live in reality.
During the reconciliation period over last year I tried. I went to marriage counseling, I did everything I could to try and love her again. We went on dates, long weekends away, I really put out the effort. She booked another trip this February to Mexico, that was my Christmas gift. It is the nicest resort in Cabo, one I have tried to get her to go to for years. She also cleared it with my employees in advance so I didn't have any work to do, she set up everything, even found a sitter for our dogs.
When I opened the gift, looked at it, looked up at her, I saw nothing. I realized right there it was over. Both kids were home, so I didn't say anything, but I don't want to go. I don't want to be with her any longer. I am happy with me. I am getting healthy again for the first time in years, I enjoy being alone with me, I don't want her along for the ride any more.
Within the next couple of days I have to tell her I am not going to Mexico. I also have to tell her why. The end result of her encounter with a scumbag, which was brought about by the "universe" led to the end of our marriage. I am not afraid she will do it again, I am disgusted she did it the first time. I am not hurt she chose someone else, I am hurt she lied. I am not hurt I found out, I am embarrassed I found out while trying to help cover for her being sick. I am not happily married, I am devastated I wasted 30 plus years on a total fraud. I am out.