submission four (4)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

The first time, I entered his office bringing him a surprise lunch basket. I saw a letter on his desk and read it. Since I was pregnant, all I could do was sit there and cry. When he returned from teaching he told me not to cry, it was unbecoming and I should have known "women would be after him!" So, I blamed her/them, those women who were trying to take my man!

The second time, while I was working two jobs, bringing in the bulk of the family's income while handling our three sons. One morning when I assumed he was at his insurance job, I see him driving around a strange little boy, coming out of the Donut Shop that he told me I should NOT take our sons to so often because I was spoiling them. When I confronted him that evening (after the second job and picking up the boys from my parents) He told me he was doing a friend and a potential investor a favor. Three days later he took me to dinner and told me it was over.  

Even though I put him out and declared it OVER, it wasn't. When the "Investor" tuned him down, letting him know that for her it was JUST SEX, he returned to the arms of his "First Love."

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

When I found out, I felt STUPID -- like "Plymouth Rock landed on ME! Oh, I said, I been had! I'd been took! I'd been hoodwinked! Bamboozled! Led astray! Run amok! This is what He did to ME". AND, I felt Stupid!

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

Crying was the norm, then paranoia, then depression (that lasted for seven years) and then wight gain that still lingers on to this day.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

What I used for my coping skills hurt me more than the infidelity did. I betrayed my moral and Christian values. Trust me, "What's Good for the Goose AIN'T Good for the Gander!!" I thought that I needed to show him that I was desirable, HOT, wanted, that I could DRAW, that I didn't need him, I could get a man, Nyman at any time. I showed him! I showed me, too.

What are your next steps?: 

It took years for me to get over being cheated on, over being loose and immoral, over being even worse to myself than he was to me. One Thursday night in a bible study, I heard a scripture that said if I could do EVERYTHING right (perfect marriage, perfect spouse, perfect ME) then Jesus died on the cross for nothing. I stopped blaming him and I stopped blaming me. I started to stop hurting. I looked to Jesus for LOVE. I started trying to love more and grieve less. I started to pour my leftover love into others, those who were hurt or hurting like I had been hurt and even worse. I decided to develop ME, My then four Sons, and the Village that surrounded and supported me.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): 

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Alone, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed

What emotions are missing from the list?: 

Stupid, inept, unloved.

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

First, seek professional help, get your emotions in check!! Then, seek spiritual Guidance, leaning on His Everlasting Arm. Then do something for somebody else and get out of your own way for healing and recovery.

What else would you like to share?: 

Thank you for this venue! It took me 2 weeks to decide to relive that chapter in my life. Your effort to help others, by sharing what we went through, the good, the bad and the oh so ugly, was the reason I submitted my story. Ladies, First to thine Own self be True. Ladies, ALL things -- even betrayal-- work together for GOOD for those who Love God and are call unto his Purpose. Ladies, We did not make ourselves and we cannot fix ourselves. Let the Lord lead YOU!