submission three (3)

Your Age: 31-40

Length of Relationship : Less than 1 year

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days

How did you learn about it?: 

My girlfriend always wanted to have an open relationship and because I did not want it she gave it up, then I started to be curious about an open relationship and we opened it up again but it did not feel good. This is not about feeling betrayed because that’s what she ultimately wants and I don’t.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.:

 Basically we have been navigating the idea of friendship but went on a skii trip together and of course we had a wonderful time and of course we were intimate and I felt more in love with her than ever. Then she asked me what she should do if she is going to hang out with Laura... I said just don’t tell me! And left immediately after our extended New Years weekend. I did not say good bye or give a hug I was very upset. THIS WAS NOT A GOOD CHOICE. I should have counted to ten or something and talked it out. Knowing that would take hours I just left. I was furious. How could she want an open relationship over a relationship with me?? We did not speak and I avoided it until 2 am when I awoke with a panic attack

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

Not eating much or sleeping

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

I just had a long talk with her and connected on a heart level to listen and understand our positions. This is about us respecting ourselves and our own desires in the relationship. I had my panic attack because I don’t want to lose her in my life like I have with past relationships. I regret having blocked out lovers and lost them as friends. Maybe I am clingy? I would prefer to have contact with more than one.. so my lesson now WHICH IS HARDER THAN RUNNING OFF BUT MORE BENEFICIAL FOR THE LONG TERM -I hope - is to stay present and try not to give I to the emotions and still communicate with compassion. This was so hard but I do feel better. Now I am able to eat and sleep and at least get grounded.

What are your next steps?: We are gently holding a time to meet and exchange things. We have agreed boundaries of no making out or intimacy.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): 

Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Empowered, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Cornered/Forced, Relieved

What emotions are missing from the list?:

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

I think people are different and you can’t control them. I feel so much relief knowing it’s not my fault and it’s not because I am unworthy or not good enough. We all deserve what we want and some people are not quite sure and we become part of that process. Forgiveness is so liberating. I feel empowered to take this position in light of my own pain and share it as advice because it can be hard to do this alone and this platform is so amazing because it offers us a chance to show up in our best way. Thank you 🙏🏻❤️⚡️

What else would you like to share?: 

Thank you for this amazing platform! I did not think that sharing could be so empowering but I do feel so much better