Your Age: 51 +
Length of Relationship : 21 years or more
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago
How did you learn about it?: I learned about his first emotional affair from my son. The second physical and emotional affair I suspected during our separation. Then confirmed when he moved in with her before he filed the divorce papers.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.:When I learned it was (a mutual acquaintance known for sleeping with married men), I physically got sick to my stomach, light headed and felt my heart shatter with pain. He was my best friend and I was so taken by surprise. He lied right up until the day he finally decided he wanted the divorce. He rejected me sexually for 15 years prior to this which I thought would change when he got a different less physical job. However after that he had ED and said he didn’t want to take any pills because they were bad for his heart. However after he moved out zi found where he got pills which he said were for us. But he never used them for me at all. He got them for her. To this day he denies having an affair during our marriage. He said the entire time of our separation that he just didn’t feel listened to anymore and he was going through anxiety due to a head injury he got from an accident in his job. Then after the divorce was final, he told our kids all these lies about our marriage and said that he just couldn’t deal with such a terrible marriage anymore. He said I was controlling and didn’t all HIS money. He always came first in our marriage. He got whatever he wanted. His unhappiness started when I went ahead and built a small cabin on our lake property and he didn’t want me too. After that is when he started looking for other women to talk to. He planned out his departure down to paying off all the things he wanted in the divorce. This was a man that zi thought loved me for 40 years but I now know he was faking it for at least the last 20 years of our marriage. I gave him my heart and soul and he threw it all away.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I pretty much work and sleep. All the things I love we did together and they now bring back memories which I thought were happy ones but they were all lies. I am struggling to find hobbies that don’t involve past memories of us.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I see a counselor once a week. I am on anti-depressants. I live in a low populated area so there are no support groups. I am struggling to let go. We have an adult son and daughter in law with 3 young boys and a daughter and son in law. He lies to them about why he left blaming it all on me never taking any responsibility for how he treated me. I can’t keep my emotions and opinions to myself when I am around them so as of today I have decided to remove myself from their lives because I just hurt them more. Which is exactly what my Ex wants. He wants to bring his new girlfriend around them.
What are your next steps?: I don’t have know what is my future. I feel very ugly. I went through breast cancer 8 years ago and had a double mastectomy.I had implants but due to having to remove so much tissue I have no nipples so I feel like I am scarred physically and emotionally not to mention being rejected by him for 15 years. He never told me I was pretty or showed me any affection in all those years. I feel numb and like I have no purpose anymore. I dint know how to even start building my own life again. My income is limited and because of using most of my annual and sick leave for cancer, I don’t have the ability to extended vacations.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed
What emotions are missing from the list?: Rejection, failure, regret, guilt related to letting my kids down, never good enough
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: I have no advice really other than stand up for your desires and needs early in your marriage because you find out the true character of your husband then.
What else would you like to share?: I have since learned that my Ex is most likely a covert narcissist because of his behaviors and how treated me throughout my marriage. I was so in love and so dedicated to him. I had no clue. I need help on how to unlove who I thought he was, forgive him, and make my life happy again. And to build my relationships with my kids without bad mouthing him.