Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago
How did you learn about it?: The houses shared ipad would not stop making an incredibly annoying "binging" notification sound. I managed to ignore it for a while, but it too irritating for me handle it anymore. I never used the thing, I preferred my laptop. And I guess my partner was the one logged into it, because that sound was from their gmail. I flipped over the ipad to see if I could just make the noise stop. And the bubble that popped up to show a preview of whatever it was that kept making the noise, wasn't something I could immediately process. It just didn't make sense. So I open the thing up to try to figure out what I just saw. And the denial came on strong, trying to figure out a way for what I was reading to not be what it seemed. It started out with a statement I wish to god I could've unseen. "If you wanted me to enjoy sex more, you would ...." I knew who she was talking to, and I knew that it was her doing the writing. But I so didn't want it to be true, I began frantically trying to come up with an alternate possibility for what I was seeing. But there wasn't one. It was exactly what it looked like. Still in a state of shock, I called her. I said something like "You're ipad kept going off, I tried to stop it and I think I saw something I wasn't supposed to. I can't handle this, I'm going to sleep."
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Sept 11 is the anniversary of that experience(no sh*t), as well as the anniverary of my diagnosis of chronic congestive heart failure, stage 4 two years later. I was 39.So its been five years since my world, my concept of self, who I was to others, what I was worth, was irreversably destroyed. I have been getting progressively worse since that day, and my health going from competitive athlete to not being able to take a flight of stairs compounded the depression that was already increasing its hold. How am I feeling now? Today was worse than yesterday, and tomorrow will be worse than today. If it wasn't for my two girls(8 and 13), I would have ended this farce of a life a long time ago.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Previous to all this, my walking around weight was somewhere around 200. And lean as hell. Now I am barely over 150, and I'm 6'2". I honestly look like I'm dying.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I've tried everything that I've seen suggested, Journaling, discussing the event with my partner, discussing it with trusted friends, (limited) therapy. And I gave everything an honest shot. Nothing had an effect on my downward trajectory. So not working.
What are your next steps?: Don't know. An important detail, I still live with my partner, but am no longer in a relationship with them. And she has proceeded to deceive me and hide the fact that she almost immediately began seeing other people once we were officially over(maybe before that). And we had already discussed the fact that we had no obligations to one another, so her adding deception and secrecy to the situation was completely unnecessary, and triggered my memories of the original trauma. From the point of discovery, I have wanted to make it work, she wanted it over. So I need to move out, I guess.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced
What emotions are missing from the list?: Don't know, I guess inhuman. It feels like the event took my humanity, and that the fact is obvious to everyone. No one treats me anymore like I exist.
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Hell, I don't know. I'd like some advice. I've got maybe 2 years left, if I'm lucky. So all the things that would appear to be helpful, I don't have time for.
What else would you like to share?: I still love her. That has been unwavering. And I knew that would be how this would play out if it happened. The topic had arisin very early in the relationship, and my my anwer to what my reaction would be was spot on. I said, "I would still love you. It would just hurt. A lot." Her response was "no you wouldn't, you would just leave me, considering me then soiled goods." She had pursued the infidelity still sure of her answer. She had decided she didn't know how to end it with me, so that would make me break up with her. Being right has never sucked so much.