Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days
How did you learn about it?: two weeks ago, I saw a text from her friend with a picture of another man, and looked at the chain. I saw where she had requested her friend to send the picture to her because she "missed his face". further back in the text chain she had told her fried she was heartbroken. I confronted her later that evening, and after many questions she finally confessed to have been caught up in an emotional affair with a coworker at the private school she works at. She says that she had ended about 5 days prior.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: absolute disbelief. I could not comprehend how she could do this to me, and our family. it became clear she had been lying and deceiving me for several months. I felt physically sick. Dizzy, and could not stop shaking. Incredibly sad, and heartbroken. feltlike the foundation was falling out from under me. I felt anger toward her, and the other man. I wanted to hurt him, and had very disturbing dreams about doing so.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I have nearly completely lost my appetite, and only eat enough to sustain, Struggle to stay focused at work, and had to take several sick days. My sleeping pattern has become extremely eratic, and there have been several completely sleepless nights, and even when totally exhausted I could not sleep. Lots of waking in the middle of the night when I do sleep.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I have been writing a lot, journaling, and confided in a close friend that i know will not judge me, or her. I have started individual therapy sessions with a psychologist that i had seen earlier in my life to cope with PTSD from childhood experiences. Allowing my self to cry over what had been lost. A lot of reading, and listening to podcasts to better understand what is happening to me, and why i feel the way I do.
What are your next steps?: Trying to rebuild our marriage, and get back to a place where I can trust her. Maintaining individual therapy sessions for the foreseeable future. Begin couples counseling as soon as realistic, and appropriate (my therapist indicated that she did not think we are ready for that) Ensure that she stays engaged in her individual therapy.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Afraid, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed
What emotions are missing from the list?:empty, distrust, gas-lighted, deceived
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: seek professional help. be attentive and aware of your partners moods, and activities. Be honest in what you are feeling no matter what the betrayers response is.
What else would you like to share?: We have been married for 14 1/2 years, and have two teenage children. It has been nearly impossible for me to keep my emotions in check around them, so that they don't figure out what has happened. She insists that it never developed into a physical relationship, and that she had attempted to end it 3 times before the final time, but he always came back seeking to re-engage. I cannot describe the hurt that I feel, but I also feel that she ultimately did the right thing by realizing the situation and putting an end to it.