Title: My husband had an affair with his coworker
Your Story: My husband came to me two days after his birthday. I had bathed and put our children to bed. I was excited for him to come home. He came to bed and I snuggled against him. He asked me, "Why are you so happy?" I replied, that I was just happy to see him and was trying to implement the changes we had discussed a few weeks ago to improve our relationship.
He said, "Momma, I have done you wrong."
"In what ways?" I asked.
"In all the ways." He said with his head looking defeated.
It has been seven months now. Just being able to type this story without crying is progress for me. There is a tightness in my chest as I type this but also a need to get my story out. I cannot remember the details of the whole night, after he said confessed to having both an emotional and sexual affair. He continued to speak and stated that he was prepared to leave. I was instantly more mad that my decision was being taking away. That my family was ending right in front of my face and I felt powerless. Her name is Andrea, a coworker that had been pursuing him for years. He stated he was playing with fire and got too close.
Their emotional affair began around the time we bought our home. I was six months pregnant with our third child. He ended their relationship in March. She works remotely but occasionally would be called into the office. In May, she was there and things just picked up where they left off. They went out for drinks in a group setting at a local bar by our house. She would help him with various tasks at his job and ride in his car when they went to get lunch for the office. She made him cupcakes for his birthday and made a special trip just for his birthday into the office. He informed his boss that he was f@#king her as well as his team. Asking them to handle her accounts for ethics purposes... to cover all his bases. He had accepted a new job role. That was very stressful. He felt he would have fallen apart if not for Andrea's support him. The free time of an older single woman is quite different than that of a working breastfeeding mom of three with little support herself.
He would leave our bed on Mondays. Telling me he was going to the gym and go f@#k her in her house 30 minutes away from our home. In the beginning they did use protection but after a conversation about STDs and birth control stopped using condoms. He reports sleeping with her about four times before being overcome with guilt about me.
That night, he agreed to end contact with her. Blocked her number on his phone. He (work) emailed her that morning to tell her it was over. I discovered later, they continued to communicate for two weeks. Emailing back and forth. She sent an email referring to herself as his gangster grandma (she is older than us). An email that just completely painted herself as an emotional predator; filled with love bombing and gaslighting. He would send her songs relating their struggles. I will never be able to listen to Jim Croce again. She told him to check his Snapchat and that is when I realized what kind of person she was. I had texted her after Discovery Day. She apologized for the pain she caused my family and stated she valued his friendship first, what evolved after that was irresponsible. She had no idea what the goal was of the tryst. That she would limit their contact to work only and her only goal was to not exist to us both. To this day, I think he planned to go be with her. He told her he was telling me that Thursday night and that Friday morning, she sent him a love emoji text. He has never confirmed or denied it.
I asked him to remain here for our family. I asked him not to leave. Justice was served to me. A coworker complained about their relationship and an ethics complaint is still be investigated today. Justice is the wrong word; as he is my partner and our family's livelihood. Consequences feel fair. The month following Discovery Day. I just focused on existing. I disengaged from everyone; lost close to 50 pounds. I started having flashbacks, anxiety attacks, zero appetite and was unable to sleep. Everything was triggering and still continues to be. The whole last year of our life plus some just feels like a lie. I purposely chose not to remember any of it. I have been able to forgive the affair but his duplicity continues to be a struggle.
I see a therapist weekly and it has been beneficial. We have identified some missing components in our relationship. I took ownership for the faults in our marriage. I decided I wanted to rebuild with him. Initially he was eager about this choice. Until a physical altercation happened between us and he realized just the damage he had done to me and our relationship. After that, he became disengaged and tired of talking about the affair all the time.
It was not until Andrea happened to be in the office and talked with him about how he had changed. That she was concerned for his mental wellbeing. The exact same thing I had been saying to him. He came home changed. The next day after processing my feelings, I explained to him - how I was so hurt that she had the power to get through to him. That I had been saying the same things to him for weeks now. He was not receptive. We were having a day-date and he complained that I was ruining this time and his day. He later returned and apologized for not realizing my perspective. At that point, we were able to implement some goals for our relationship and a date to reassess.
Three months later, he had taken a week off to spend at home with me. I went through his work email and discovered that he emailed Andrea in the middle of the week, stating he hoped all was well with her. We had a hard conversation after that. I was not as frail or weak anymore. I knew I wanted to repair my marriage. That he was my person but understood that if I was not his person any more that my efforts were pointless. I told him it was Andrea or me. He said that he could remain friends with her because they were friends first. I said no. That he needed to make a choice. That he could support in me in the process of healing and building anew OR I was going to my parents.
He chose to go down the non-linear road with me. The tightness has lessened the more I write. I am happy about the place where we are now. It has not been easy. It has been a true journey of self exploration and growth. I will never be the same person again. I parent differently. I dress differently. I work differently. My personality the same but not. I am different partner. The things that helped me most was journaling and joining the gym. I worked from home with our youngest child AND at that point could not tell you the last time I had been alone. Making myself a priority has been fundamental to healing from this trauma.
I took myself off social media for some time. I returned to Instagram and made my account public. My therapist is the best. She helped to understand that I should be proud not ashamed for staying with my husband. Proud of the life we built together. Resilient for supporting him in his failure. My Instagram paints a great picture. In my mind, every smiling picture was a dart in her face. That she was the one not good enough. She knew things were not perfect and despite that he still picked me. She has since moved on which I find frustrating. She claimed to love himself; I thought she would fight harder for this love that has changed my life and marriage forever. If ever an individual that needs mental health services; witnessing her look to feel her soulless body with next man is sad.
I found support in my Instagram community and my relationship with my best girlfriend has been strengthen by this trauma. I began a private blog just as a way to organize my thoughts. Changes have been good. I would love to relocate to a different state but financial it is not possible right now. Our family, the professionals in our children's' lives, my job, his job, and selected friends are aware of his affair.
I think I took him for granted and having seen what the other side looks like; I know that I want him but I also know how I deserved to be treated. That is where we are right now and it has been good. Like getting to re-know each other and learning to enjoy each other's company with careers or children in the center of it. I am less resentful. I am more honest. He is my best friend. Our marriage had been struggling for awhile and I preferred to turn a blind eye and pretend all was well. We both failed and solved our problems in different ways. He made the choice to have an affair with a coworker and is now dealing with those consequences and making our relationship a priority and investment.
I hope I can say those same things in the months and years to come.