Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 21 years or more
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A little while ago - 3-6 months
How did you learn about it?: I saw text on my husbands phone. Mostly benign/work related as he had started a new job after 20 years, but I quickly noticed the familiarity and a little hint of flirtation from the new coworker. She sent at least 2 text that said “she missed him” when he wasn’t in the office - even though they had only know each other a short time. He has “shut it down” according to him, but my gut tells me there is more than I can see and more than he will share. I didn’t see the text(granted they were not deleted) for several months and in that time there have been a lot of phone calls etc. I never questioned my husband because he has been that guy who everyone knew was committed to his family and to me. This has blindsided me I do not believe anything physical has happened (yet), but I find myself wanting out of this 25 year relationship because he WAS so trustworthy and we both agreed to what would and would not be OK in our marriage - and honestly- even emotional infidelity was kind of a deal breaker. He is very “ashamed” and says he has never been attracted to her - thank God she isn’t some hot young thing - she is just kind of.. meh.. average. But there was something there and I know it and I believe he does as well. We are in counseling, but he has to still work with her day to day and I feel like a fool.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Hurt beyond belief. Blindsided. The last year we had been closer than ever. Angry. Sad.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I can’t sleep. I think about the “how far would it have gone”if I hadn’t seen the text or how far did it go and I just don’t know it.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Prayer. Talking to a few close, trusted friends. Therapy. Drinking. Numbing out.
What are your next steps?: I have no idea. My mother died this year. Our kids are grown. These were supposed to be the best years of our lives and now I feel like I live with a stranger. He is so remorseful, but it falls on deaf ears to me. I don’t want him to be sorry forever, but I feel like I do not even know him.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Empowered, Betrayed, Devalued, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced
What emotions are missing from the list?:
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: I have none
What else would you like to share?: Any advice would be helpful towards healing. I do not believe there was a full on affair but there was someone who actively pursued my husband and he didn’t keep good boundaries up. I don’t believe it ever became physical, but could or would it have if I hadn’t found out and what do I do now that our trust is broken?