Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 6 - 10 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: Recently - less than 30 days
How did you learn about it?: I was working from home due to COVID and needed our phone account information. I went on his iPad which is shared with everyone, and looked in his emails. I had no idea that I would find 100s of intimate emails between him and a woman who worked for him. So much detail, and referring to all the past times they’d been intimate.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I went into physical shock. I couldn’t breathe, my whole body started shaking violently, and I wanted to vomit. For weeks after I couldn’t eat, would wake at 3am with adrenaline spitting through my body, my brain going crazy piecing together the timeline of it and my life.
5 weeks later I am just exhausted. I just want it over, and he keeps begging to move back in and repair our relationship. It’s wearing me down. The good thing is every time he makes me angry I get energised again to pack everything and get the house sold.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I’m not hungry at all, I’ve been vomiting daily from stress, sleep is erratic, and my mood goes up and down as I get hit by a wave of anger, sadness, betrayal, exhaustion.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: At first I tried yoga and early nights to survive. As time goes on I’ve found it harder to keep being nice to myself. I’m seeing a counsellor - absolutely essential to talk to someone who is impartial.
Talking with friends is a lifesaver.
What are your next steps?: Kicking his cheating ass to the curb. Kicked him out the day I found out, and now progressing with separation.
Once I sell the house and divide up assets I can start a new life with my daughter. It will be hard, but ultimately freeing to have control of my own life back and not have someone making me feel bad about myself.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Anger, Sadness, Alone, Strong, Empowered, Betrayed, Relieved
What emotions are missing from the list?: Disgust, hatred
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: You need to see a counsellor yourself. Surround yourself with good friends and accept all offers of help.
What else would you like to share?: You deserve more than this.