Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago
How did you learn about it?: I suspected her affair for a couple years but kept my mouth shut for the kids and in the hope that I was wrong. I thought we had a good marriage. I loved and supported her daughter like mine own since she was 5 (she's now 20). We had 2 beautiful kids of our own. We had everything. Begged her to go to counseling for 2 years. We went twice then she decided she didn't like the counselor. I told her to find one she preferred and make an appt. She refused to do it. One day she said she was going golfing with friends. The next day I walked into the garage and saw her golf bag with a tag on it and "his" name and room number. Turns out "he" is someone that I considered a friend. They'd been having a 3 year affair.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I felt sick, angry, disoriented, used, betrayed, sad. I offered her the opportunity to go to counseling and try to save our family and marriage under the condition that she cut off all ties with her boyfriend. She declined. I filed for divorce the next day. Nothing was ever discussed, addressed, resolved. I'll never have closure.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?:
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I've learned to meditate on a deep level (TM). I smoke pot. Some people may judge but it works for me. I'm not a drinker. It allows me to relax, sleep and keep things in perspective. I've hyper-focused on work and my kids. I don't care about the money or possessions I've lost but I will never forgive her for forcing me to give up my kids to her 50% of the time. A year later, I still cry every time they leave. They're the victims of her selfish indiscretion. Not me. I can't look at family photos knowing that she was having an affair when they were taken while I thought we were "happy." She lived a double life and turned our marriage into a fraud.
What are your next steps?: Keep living. Keep being a great dad to my kids. Give them the life they deserve. Stop looking for answers. Protect my energy. Be grateful.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Replaced, Betrayed
What emotions are missing from the list?:
What advice would you give to others in this situation?:
What else would you like to share?: