Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 21 years or more
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago
How did you learn about it?: It was 9pm when his phone rang and it was a woman name, he was nervous to answer and I felt that something wasnt right. I asked to look over his phone but he denied. He opened the whats app and deleted two lines of conversation. I couldn´t see the names on it.
After that I knew that he was having an affair even thought he insisted that nothing has ever happened. Before he went to bed he sent a message to me instead of her and the message ended with "I love you", so I confronted him and he gave his cel phone security code. He went back to sleep and I checked all his phone. Found some small talks between him and other women but nothing that would compromise him. It took weeks until he confessed. He was having an affair with a women older than him. By then I already knew and I had already checked all her background. Knew her full name, her face, all about her husband and sons. I am not sure what I was looking for but I went through her life.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I felt deepily sad, its a feeling that I have never experienced before. I didn´t feel angry, never, I wanted to prove to him and myself that I was better than her. He was very sad as well and seemed sorry. I asked him to leave and he begged me to stay. We talked about our relationship as we never talked before and we had sex as we never had before. I had a mix of feelings, I was hurt but also I was relieved to have spoken all I ever wanted to tell him. He became much more comprehensive and I became more powerful in the relationship. I still think about it and sometimes still check on his phone.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: In the begining I couldn´t eat well, I even lost weight, slept for 5 hours or less, but as the days went on I started to feel better.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I started therapy after 1 or 2 months that I found out about everything. It is wonderful, I could look inside myself and realize all my fears.
What are your next steps?: I never wanted to divorce, since the day I found out I was positive that I could forgive but now I know that it takes time. Our marriage is better now than was before but I have lost the trust I had. Maybe one day I can trust him agaiin. He is doing all he can to gain my trust again.
We are doing many activities together. He is being supportive in all my steps.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Sadness, Strong, Empowered, Betrayed
What emotions are missing from the list?: Desired.
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Don´t tell your family and close friends. Only tell someone that you know for sure won´t judge your decisions.Never take any decision when angry, think about it before.
What else would you like to share?: I read once a sentence that says: "when you choose to forgive those who hurt you, you simply take away their power." This made a lot of sense to me, I still feel empowered.