submission fifty-two (52)

Title: 52 at time of betrayal, 32 years married

Your Story: First you should know - I already have PTSD from an abusive childhood. I moved out when I was 16, lived on my own and with friends, managed to finish school and when I met my spouse I was so sure he was my rock.
At times I’d have suspicions something was off, we’d end up in MC where I would be told it was my fault. 
I wasn’t enough, I was blah blah blah - always me being bad, not good enough, not loving enough, etc.

What I discovered 1 and 1/2 years ago was my spouse had an affair. He lied, told me it was one night, and it was over. I ended up in the ER
I spent 3 1/2 weeks being gaslit, told I was crazy, that he “chose” me.
he was coming home and saying she was trying to talk to him, and he refused, In reality the night I was in the ER he called her and told her he loved her. The Dr only let him take me home “if he removed all the meds”. He did not.
We went to a MC who told me “he isn’t lying to you! I’m the expert” when I told her I felt something was still going on.
After 3 1/2 weeks of being gaslight, not eating (I lost 40 lbs) I made an appt with a psychiatrist. I truly thought I was crazy. Instead he told me the truth, he’d still “been talking to her”. I made him call her - and after he listened to her screaming at me, throwing him under the bus (it was not 1 night) I could see his eyes open. It was too late, I experienced such extreme trauma I lost my memory of most of that day.
I left him though.
After I left he continued therapy, refused contact with her.
She stalked him for months - he regrets any and all contact and is terrified of her.

After he continued in therapy I came home to go to therapy myself. My new therapist had him do a polygraph, and I told him if he told me the truth before the polygraph I would stay for a time.

So remember all those times I felt something was off - each of those times coincided with an emotional affair, a sexting affair, an online affair.

I ended up leaving again. My trauma from all that gaslighting, trickle truth, all off - some serious PTSD.

We live together still, he’s been they several therapists, until he’s settled with a CSAT I trust. I’ve had some serious betrayal trauma just from bad therapists. One actually told him he didn’t have to tell me the truth, yet, when I was asking him why he was lying to me.

Finally some months ago he has come completely clean, my gut has been right every time, his new therapist told him he’s an idiot for lying to me- and my therapist has taught me to set boundaries, trust my gut. I have begun EMDR.

He has been diagnosed with SA, and has been working through his trauma. As I see him learn and change I’m beginning to see the man I married.

I actually feel our relationship is the most authentic it’s ever been, but truthfully, I’m not sure I can forgive him.  
I do know I’m coming out of this stronger. That girl who survived on her own at 16 will survive on her own at 53.