submission thirty-eight (38)

Your Age: 51 +

Length of Relationship : 21 years or more

How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago

How did you learn about it?: 

Viewing cell phone bill. Repeated numbers appeared and I brought it to his attention and was denied the truth. His affair partner called me and blew up my world.

Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: 

It’s been 2 1/2 years and after all the continued lies, blame-shifting, and gaslighting I’m suffering. Anger, sadness, anxiety, hyperviglience and so many more feelings. I hate these feelings, but even on my best days there’s an overwhelming feeling of craziness.

How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: 

Don’t sleep without taking pills. I’ve lost 30 lbs and I’m now well under 100lbs. I have developed some twitching.

What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: 

Anxiety coping strategies, trying to find gratitude in the small things.

What are your next steps?: 

I gave it two plus years and at this point I may need to start a new life. It’s terrifying since I’ve been a stay at home mom for four boys.

What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced

What emotions are missing from the list?: Disbelief, devalued, untrusting

What advice would you give to others in this situation?: 

It’s a process there is no avoiding or swallowing all the emotions. It takes time. Allow yourself all the time you need.

What else would you like to share?: 

I’m a stay at home mom and raised four wonderful sons. My marriage if 28 years was blown apart August 2016. I found out that while my husband was driving a cab as a part time job he was carrying on a long term affair with a literal crack whore. He was transporting her for free in trade for sex. He was giving her money for drugs in trade for sex. He also brought her and her friend into my home and bed, when I was away with my two boys. He bought them drugs and brought them into our home. I also found out that he was watching a lot of porn during this time. My husband has always been a liar and manipulator and that had corroded our relationship over time. After a lot of reflection and education it appears he may have a personality disorder. He lacks empathy for his actions and that’s just something I can’t live with. I’m beyond scared because I’ve been a stay at home for 24 years. My husband recently lost his business and now if I sue for divorce I will have nothing. My home is an inch from foreclosure. So in two years I will have lost everything. I’m currently trying to get a job but my ptsd is interfering with forward thinking actions. I’m lost and tired... so tired. Betrayal Causes destruction of families and people’s feelings of self. If anyone has any suggestions on services that might be helpful please let me know.