submission forty (40)

Title: PTSD and Infidelity w/Prostitutes

Your Story: I can't hate them.

I cannot hate the women but the man I loved for 20 years took into his arms laid down in bed with enjoying his body to....they're slaves.

Paid to do what he told them to do they were then thrown away into the night... Or into the hot afternoon sun when he toss them out of the apartment he kept just for this purpose...behind my back...hidden.

They were tossed away because to him they were not people....

And neither was I.

But I believed I was. I believed I was the one woman he loved, I built so much of my life around that but it wasn't real to him. To him I was the year 1 to 20 prostitute and nothing more.

Standing in our kitchen with a student in my office waiting to study for his SATs, he told me....deep in the throes of an OCD crisis, he told me....'"you took your granddaughters to the Grand Canyon and to Las Vegas on vacation. It made me so mad. I was stuck in Frankfurt airport and you wouldn't pick up the phone. It made me so mad. ... That was the last word I heard before my world fell apart...

I was so mad that I went to the hotel and I called for a prostitute. 

You what!  

My head was spinning he was completely unreal. It was as if I was standing on a ceiling and looking down at the dead me.

"They sent a Black girl" ---a woman, I corrected him, I was always correcting him that no one who's an adult is a girl we are women...." She did oral sex, they all do oral sex you know- his reproach because I- and she didn't do it right and the condom broke and she had sores in her mouth and now I think I have herpes and syphilis and maybe I have HIV....." Then he unzipped his pants and showed me the sores....

And I threw up.

he wanted me to look at what it happened to him because he had betrayed me but betraying me didn't matter at all to him.

20 years being faithful to him and building good hedges around us or so I thought

I didn't know.

2 months later I learned the rest when he revealed I've actually been going to prostitutes all 18 years it never stopped.

How much better it would have been if he had just killed me. Or if he hit Steph Curry shot me because those would have been wounds they could have heels.

But he catches my soul... Three years later there's nothing left who I was. And it doesn't get better... That's a lie. ..that's a platitude we tell people really don't want to hear their pain. That's what we tell people but it's not true.

you when I didn't reject him, when I didn't leave him, he became emotionally abusive to the point where every morning I woke up I knew that today would be filled with his horrible comments, his vile speech to me, his anger and sometimes his wrath.

And that never changed. 

Until finally after two-and-a-half years I became brave enough to leave him.

But it isn't better still.

To invest 20 years of your life in a relationship and to devote yourself to one person, one man will need to be thrown away... And then belittled by him and by friends that you thought were friends who say that what you're experiencing is nothing more than jealousy..

.... This isn't death all over again.

This is three trails who You are 5 people I don't want to know I don't want to care because you care would mean to judge... They don't know this sometimes it's right to judge.

I don't want life anymore.

If I had the incurable illness euthanasia wiould be by right. But this too is an incurable paid, it will never get better oh, it never gets better at the matter what I do it only gets worse.

I want freedom for the pain.

Aunt returned who I was before... It was never be again.

How can one person hate another so much the cause that pain?

"A daliance" the therapist we saw just one time before he refused to ever go back to any therapist ever again cold the single act of prostitution crippled me I'm gutted me and destroyed me. "A daliance". Instead of what it really was a poisoning, I just struction, a betrayal.... The psychologist to apologize later. he done the same to his wife and he wasn't willing to use words The condemned himself.

That again you didn't know with just a few days after I'd learned that this wasn't one time it was 18 years.

"Just get another man" that's what he told me after I moved out when I play script suddenly the full throes of PTSD... For he replaced me before I moved out with another relationship....and tried hard to shock me by Steven together it was angered with his plan didn't work. So angered that he threw boxes marked fragile on the ground intentionally trying to break China pictures, things that mattered.... He didn't know that nothing mattered anymore. And he was happy so everyone is happy for him.

I was sad. Even my own daughter rejected me because she didn't want to be around sadness... It seemed unstabled her to pee still sad because all he did of course was go to prostitutes.

All he did.... And she would not reject him now. He will be in our life forever she said he and whatever woman he's with will be in our life forever because you made him a part of our life even though he is not her father.

Her father died.

This man never became my husband and never became my children's father but she wanted one so badly that she's grabbed onto him does she loves his happiness because to her happiness is stable. She trusts happiness.  

And her ejection of me was the final nail... I did not want to live.

But I don't know how to die.