Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 11 - 20 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: It's been a while - over a year ago
How did you learn about it?: It started of with a comment my son made. He was telling me that the day I'd had gone with my oldest son to a soccer game that my husband saw his friend at the yogurt shop and that he gave a ride to her son because he had never been in a fast car like that. I didn't think much of it but, then my son continued saying that she was the same person that they had seen at a baseball game when he and his brother had gone with Dad. I made a face and thought, " huh, that's interesting he never mentioned anything". I began being an investigator....I had found those tickets that were given to him for his "birthday" by a male coworker but yet had her name on who had paid the tickets....then, I had found another receipt with the same numbers of that person's debit card on a receipt when he had gone to another city with co-workers.....from that I began looking for more things about this person...I got into his phone through my phone...somehow I was able to find things through my phone by getting into his Google account...there was a day when he'd told me that he was going to a soccer game with co workers and had told me who was going...he'd only mention 2 male co-workers and that he bought 3 tickets....I'd gone into his account where he bought his tickets and only showed 2....I went to the game....bought the cheapest tickets and saw him walking with a female I took pictures ....went home and waited for him to arrive.
When he did he starts telling me how fun it was and that we needed to go ourselves and drink a little...I went along and said, "sounds like fun". Then I told him I wanted to show him something...and I showed him the pictures....and told him who she was.
He swore up and down that nothing was going on between them. But, because I didn't advocate for myself and many changes were happening for me...some were stressful supposed to be happy stresses,that I just dropped it .I was up against me going back to school to get my special education credentials and starting a new job as a special ed. Teacher,new Co workers, new site. My son's were also having changes going to new schools/ schedules I needed to reassure them that they were going to well...at their new school. We had just moved to a new home...so there was SO many changes that were making it hard to deal with that as well. Unfortunately because that happened I acquired anxiety through that and I believe, that was my brain, heart , and soul to shut down so I just worked to no end made my job number one so that didn't deal with what I thought an emotional affair...on December 11of 2018 that same female texted me letting me know that if I wanted to talk about my husband that I could text her....I did go back and forth with her because I wanted to see what she was complaining about my husband...he was dismissing her didn't want anything to do with her and she was not happy about that and because of that she had decided to "tell" on him...I simply told her how come it was never an issue before? She never answered....she only vented that he was a liar and that he lies to her....in my head , I was thinking...."wtf is this person talking about you both were fucking losers lying to yourselves" the last time I heard from her was on January 12th sending me pictures of her him..in places, eating lunch....etc. that is my part of how I found out.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I felt like I was walking in air....like I was going a mile a minute and everyone around me went at 100 mph..... nauseous, sad, depressed....I just couldn't feel anything but was feeling everything...I'm surprised I didn't die of sadness. I had never felt like this in my life. I'd developed anxiety after this trauma...and I just don't get how I was able to get up in the morning and just work. Went to school, took care of the house, boys, my students with this sadness that was weighing me down.
Now, I have my moments of sadness...I try my very best to ride it out with working out, music, cleaning....just things to keep me busy....before I tried to avoid my triggers but found out that,that was not the way to deal with triggers but rather to confront them by identifying what is making me feel this way and to identify my emotions and what I can do to sooth myself as I am going through a trigger.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I had insomnia, I did not sleep well and I would work on hework and work related materials. I ate very little.....a was nouseous in the morning and would eat one or two bites during lunch. I would always want to be alone in my class....I just wanted quiet.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I would write my emotions....hear music.....try my best to workout as much as I could...I went through some group therapy and was given a workbook and would read it to remind myself of things I can do to pass/ confront my emotions.
What are your next steps?: My next step is to get couples therapy...I did my own therapy first I put myself first for this situation and it took about 9 months for my group therapy... I feel that I can handle talking about it now as a couple.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Empowered, Voiceless, Betrayed, Relieved
What emotions are missing from the list?:Disappointed
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Give yourself time to just cry, yell, feel the pain because ignoring it like I did comes at you in full force. You have to be willing to wrolite it out or have someone you can talk to and them JUST HEAR you out....without trying to fix the problem. Ultimately, your decision is yours and your only. Expect people leave from your life because either they cannot handle the pain you are going through and don't want to deal with you.
What else would you like to share?: You are not crazy for feeling the way you are feeling. That is your feeling and you are entitled to them. Do not let anyone tell you any different. It will get better but it will be darker before it gets lighter....please get professional help if you can...it helps to talk about your feelings.