Your Age: 51 +
Length of Relationship : 21 years or more
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)
How did you learn about it?: I had seen inappropriate messages between my Husband and a female co-worker at the end of October 2022. Whilst it was clear they had both been drinking a lot, I was very unnerved and surprised my Husband was messaging late ar night.
I clearly told him it was neither professional nor appropriate; at first he kept saying it was just ‘office banter’ but then admitted it was inappropriate.
He then went to work and came back and told me he had spoken with the co-worker, who was also married, and had agreed only professional messages in future.
I was happy this had been cleared up early and referred to ‘Love Actually’ where the secretary is infatuated with Alan Rickman’s character. I told my Husband to be aware…more fool me.
Over the next 2 months I was watching him like a hawk; getting up in the night to check his phone (we’ve always shared passwords) but never saw any further messages. But I did keep seeing co-workers name as a missed call, even at weekends. But Husband always assured me it was just work related.
We then had our 30th Wedding Anniversary trip early December. We had a really strong relationship at this point, lots of intimacy and totally in love. On returning to the UK, my Husband had lots of work events in the evening and was drinking a lot more than usual.
Cut forward to 21st December. He has finished work for the Christmas holidays and our eldest daughter had arrived from New York for the holiday season. Christmas is my favourite time of year and I was so, so happy. That evening, I collected Husband from rail station and he went off for a boys night out with the neighbours. I had an uneasy feeling that he had seemed anxious, stressed and had rushed out. Some sixth sense mad me go to his work rucksack and I found his old mobile phone in it. He had upgraded a few days earlier. It was supposed to have been given back to his workplace. I turned it on, no power. After a minute it started charging up. I looked at the text and opened this. To my utter dismay, text after text started to come through…between Husband and co-worker. All I saw was 😘😍🥰 emojis and the words ‘kiss in the lift’ and other horrific words. I was in total shock….and fainted.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: When I found out, I literally started shaking, felt so sick, numb, couldn’t read properly, fainted. I felt a huge sob coming out of my mouth, but had to keep it in as my adult daughters were in the next door room. I felt the floor fall away, I was dropping like a stone in a bottomless lake. So shocked, appalled, disgusted by my Husband’s words. Honestly, never in.my life have experienced such pain. Totally heartbroken.
6 weeks on, the pain won’t go away. But more anger has come now. And sadness for my 30 year marriage…and family unit has been torn apart.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I am naturally slim, but have lost so much weight. I couldn’t eat for a month. Haven’t slept since D-Day. It’s 1.30 am as I am writing this. I have panic attacks; triggers are everywhere. Nausea when I wake up. And am so, so exhausted and scared about my future. If I could die of a broken heart, I think I will
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I am seeing a therapist and speaking with my Doctor. I have had to ask my Husband to leave (after trying to do-habit for 6 weeks) as my mental health was suffering so much. I think I have aged 10 years
What are your next steps?: Honestly, don’t know. I originally thought I would do anything to save our marriage. But my Husband has been lying about what happened; trickle truths coming out. He swears it was an Emotional Affair, but I’ve now heard he kissed her at least twice. And I keep finding new evidence of their meeting up. He’s claiming he has Depression now so I can’t query him too much. It’s all just so sad and I never thought I would be dealing with this at my age.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply):Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Voiceless, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed
What emotions are missing from the list?: Disgusted
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: To trust your instincts if you feel something is ‘off’
What else would you like to share?: I’m have lost al respect for my Hisband and know I will never trust him again