Your Age: 31-40
Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)
How did you learn about it?: We had been together for 5.5 years and been through a lot--including distance and a brief fling of his. We worked so hard to get where we are. Then she comes in... She was his colleague (20 years younger than him), but I had suspicions for a long time--from the time he first mentioned her. He told me he wasn't interested in her. He would even laugh at the way she charmed the older men in the department. Our relationship was doing well, or so I thought. I found out in January when I came across her social media posts that they had been going to several out-of-town races together. He had told me about those races, but never mentioned her being there. Then his other colleagues, who are also my friends, came to me with concern. Apparently they spotted them together at the company Christmas party--which is a big event that you're expected to bring your significant other. He usually hates those gatherings, so I assumed he didn't want to go. Well, apparently he did go while I was sitting at home. Those friends snapped a pic of him and her together. Not sure if they came and left together, but the photos showed them as being quite close.
They had been spending a lot of time together outside the office while he only saw me for two or three hours on the weekend. They were gym and race buddies and who knows what else.
When confronted, he denied the whole thing, saying they are only friends. But why the lies and the secrecy? He tried to push the blame on me for the end of our relationship, calling me crazy for accusing him.
Was there anything physical? I don't know. But it was definitely an emotional affair and a lot of lying and deceit and a lot of shady behavior. He compromised our relationship by not setting up boundaries with her. Not even sure he mentioned he had a girlfriend. I feel like I wasn't even his girlfriend and that everything was a lie from day one. He's turning out to be the biggest regret of my life.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: I felt gutted. My heart shattered into countless pieces. For weeks I felt horribly. I was also raging mad with enormous anger. I felt like I meant nothing to him. He didn't have respect for me. There was no ounce of commitment. I have the photos burnt into my mind. My mind races imagining them together. I know she's even met friends and family that I hadn't. I feel like our whole relationship was a lie.
He made me hate myself. I was incredibly insecure about everything--my body, the way I dress, my habits (being a homebody and bookish), etc. He found in her everything I'm not, and he chose her over me.
To this day, I feel defeated. I feel lesser.
I'm angry at him for not being a better man, and I'm angry at myself for being persistently there and being so patient, hoping he'd change for the better, hoping he'd eventually show the commitment I so craved.
I wish I could escape this town so I wouldn't have to live with his memory and knowing he's just down the street with her.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?:I've lost my appetite. Even today some weeks later, I barely eat anything. I muster up the energy to continue working and functioning, but on weekends, I just sleep and sleep hoping to wake up from this nightmare.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I've been busy with work and some online courses.
I also go to the gym on the weekends and aerobics three times during the weekdays. It gives you a temporary high, making you feel invincible; but then I can't stop my mind from racing with thoughts of them.
I've been seeing a therapist too. Initially we focused on my role in the breakup, but as I uncover more and more evidence of his deceit, our talks are targeted more toward letting go of anger and moving past it.
Sometimes I also meditate with candles and music. This helps calm me.
What are your next steps?: I don't know. I have no choice but to continue living--with this job, doing self care, etc. Trying not to think of him or them.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed
What emotions are missing from the list?:
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Don't trust anyone.
What else would you like to share?: You're better off on your own. People let you down with no consideration or empathy for how you feel. You have to look out for yourself.