Title: Don’t fall in love with an amateur porn star
Your Story: I told my husband of nearly 30 years that I wanted a divorce. It was terrifying and exhilarating. I got married at 18 and had never really dated much. I was looking forward to being free and maybe having a little fun but was I still attractive? Would anyone want me?
A friend challenged me to post some pictures on an amateur porn site and my newly sexually awakened spirit went for it. I chose a site where the rules were “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” I kept my pictures classy, artistic, erotic, sometimes even sweet and of course never showed my face or shared my name. I also decided that certain parts of my anatomy were sacred and to be saved for my lover, whoever that may be.
The response was amazing. I quickly became one of the most popular women on the site. It gave me renewed confidence and an acceptance of my body that I had never had before. It was fun and at 46 it made me feel sexier and more desirable than I had ever felt. This was a part of me that I was not allowed to explore in my marriage and I was enjoying every second.
I received message after message from men. Some raunchy but mainly men expressing appreciation and gratitude. Occasionally they would turn into conversations and on rare occasion would it become more than just friendly.
That was how I met Tom. His body was beautiful, long and lean and perfectly muscled and his photos were amazingly sensual. Often in black and white, his pictures played with light and theme and the videos he posted showed him dancing as he pleasured himself. This was a truly remarkable specimen.
Beyond that he seduced me with his words and ideas. Told me I was a goddess and he my god. Over months we shared the stories of our lives, our hopes, our dreams, and our beliefs. We were incredibly compatible and decided to meet in person.
Have I mentioned that we live an 8 hour drive from each other and in different countries? We didn’t care. It was worth it to find out if the connection we felt was real. At this point we had still not seen each other’s faces. We chose to keep it that way until we could see each other face to face. We chose a public place to meet and set a date.
I’m sure you can imagine my nerves as I drove. Not only is this my first date after my marriage but I don’t even know what he looks like. Is this man who he claims to be? Am I crazy for agreeing to meet alone? Will we have chemistry beyond a cyber flirtation?
Upon arriving at my destination I saw a man standing by a car, the only one around. It had to be him. He casually leaned against the bumper of his car. His clothes were outdated and I’ll fitting and he was not as ruggedly handsome as I had projected him to be. Instead he was sweet looking. We walked on the beach holding hands. Sat on a log and talked. He brought wine to toast our meeting at sunset. It was perfect.
After that we tried to see each other as often as possible. Not easy for me as I would have to take time off work. He was self employed and could make his own hours. A long distance romance is not an easy thing but we made it work and our connection grew deeper.
Throughout our relationship we spoke about our commitment to healing. We had both experienced sexual abuse. Me as a child and him at the hands of his ex wife. We spoke frequently about what we felt was our spiritual connection and the sacredness of our loving sexual communion. We called it “Our Sacred Cave” where we shared everything and all was safe. We spoke about travelling together on a path of enlightenment, a journey into the unknown hand in hand. He called me his quest after years of longing and loneliness. I gave up my ideas of dating and opened my heart to him. Let him see and touch areas of my being that no one else had.
A year into the relationship, I found them. Suggestive comments he was making to other women on the amateur porn site where we met. Of course I am not naive enough to think he wasn’t still looking but the things he said... a knife plunged through my heart. He claimed it meant nothing but how could I ignore that that was how we met? I asked him to stop. Compliments and showing appreciation were one thing but offering your cock is something else entirely. He said he understood.
And then I found the private messages. “You have my full attention, baby!” But Tom, if she has your full attention, what do I have? “It’s just banter,” he answered. I said it’s not appropriate when you’re in a commited relationship. He said he now understood that private messages were off limits. He was sorry and it wouldn’t happen again. But it did it. I felt like acid was being poured over my soul. How could he claim to love and respect me and yet not see how much he was hurting me? He would not allow me to express my pain. I tried multiple times to talk to him about it and he refused, indicating that if I didn’t let it go I would lose him. He had promised that he would not do it again and that should be enough for me.
But I couldn’t let it go. My gut told me he couldn’t resist the attention of a beautiful woman. He was frequently jealous of the attention I received on the porn site. Not the jealousy you’d expect from a lover, no. Jealous that I got more attention than he did. So I developed a misguided plan to test him. I needed to know if I could trust him, that this time he would keep his promise to me.
I started a new profile with the help of a friend. She allowed me to take sexy but discreet pictures of her to post so that the account looked legitimate. After a short time I sent him a private message of admiration for his photos and his...
He responded immediately. At first it was just flirty and friendly as I gradually edged him toward the more risqué. He asked her for private pictures and gave her an email address so they could continue to converse. I broke.
During this time I went out dancing with some friends. I drowned my sorrows in wine and allowed a much younger man to kiss me. My friends gave him my number and we traded texts for a couple of days. I made it clear to my paramour that it wouldn’t go beyond that and it shortly fizzled. It was wrong but I was in so much pain at the time, I didn’t care and I think a part of me felt like I was evening the score.
On my next visit to Tom I confronted him about his activity. At first he tried to claim that nothing sexual had happened (he still didn’t know it was me). We fought viciously. I am generally a quiet introvert but I found myself screaming as I never ever had.
Over days we fought and screamed and cried. Eventually, the storm calmed. We agreed to leave the recent events behind us and start again. I decided to keep my night of dancing to myself out of fear and also knowing the tremendous guilt I felt would prevent it from ever happening again. That was December.
By February he was at it again. I don’t know if he was sending private messages but he was certainly making inappropriate comments on pictures again. It was killing me. I wanted g to feel what it was like. Misguided again, I know.
I left comments on pictures of other men in a similar vein as the ones he had written. When Tom found them he was shocked. “I thought you said you weren’t doing that.” He wanted to see my private messages so I showed him. One message with a narrative of skinny dipping and he was beside himself.
More screaming and fighting ensued. We agreed the only way to save our relationship was to leave the porn site for good and to be completely exclusive to each other. That was the end of May.
That summer was wonderful. We were fortunate enough to be able to visit multiple times. We reconnected. We rebuilt our “Cave.” We took to calling each other “My Only.” We talked about living together and I started taking a course that would allow me to change careers and eventually transition my life to the US. This was a huge commitment of time and money for me. Not only would I have to change careers, I would have to leave my family, my kids, and my friends to be with him. I was willing to make these sacrifices for what I thought would be a beautiful future together.
Not that it was perfect. There were times When we were apart that he seemed too busy to connect with me. And of course there was a nagging voice saying he might be flirting again, but I chalked it up to insecurity and ignored it. After all, I was his Only.
By January that nagging voice was undeniable. One night I logged into my old porn account. I don’t know what made me do it. Instinct maybe.
Low and behold. There was a message in my inbox. A female friend I had made on the site noticed that Tom had opened a new account and notified me. The message was old, from June...
Again I confronted Tom. “She’s wrong! It’s an old account That I forgot I had.”
So I messaged my friend and she told me that that account had been deleted but that I had a new one and that there were pictures of me posted.
I flew into a rage. “How could you do this? I can never trust you again!”
In tears he told me how he had been lonely and having a difficult time and that he was only enjoying the attention my pictures were getting. The comments about how beautiful I was and what a lucky man he is.
After days of tears and soul searching I forgave him once again. I begged, “Please don’t make me regret this. He promised he wouldn’t. He said he knew what we had and that he would never again do anything to screw it up.
We wanted to clear our karmic debt so that we could truly start anew. “You must come clean about absolutely everything if we are going to make it through this.” He said there was nothing else. I knew I had to tell him about my own infidelity. He seemed surprisingly ok. He even said it was kind of a turn on for him. He said he would rather just love me than be angry with me.
In March we were together at his house. He left his phone open and beside me while he was busy elsewhere. The temptation was too great. I snooped one his phone and found multiple pictures and videos of other women. He caught me red handed but I couldn’t have cared less. Devastated again. We had the worst of fights. Screaming until we were both hoarse. I tried to leave but he took my keys away. He claimed they were old pictures that his phone downloaded from his iCloud. And even if they weren’t none of them prove that he had any contact with those women. He was allowed to look at porn, wasn’t he?
We came to an uneasy truce and tried to just love each other. But having seen what was in his phone, what was on his computer? I waited until he was out one day and decided to take a look. I only found random porn on his computer.
And then I went to the site we met on. I hovered over the log in and a name popped up, one I didn’t know. He had another secret account. This one has been active since June. He had lied to me again. I looked at the profile. There were pictures of both of us, individually and together. He posted pictures that included my face and pictures of my anatomy I never intended to share. He even posted videos we had made of our lovemaking.
He had named the profile after me, using my actual middle name . He started the profile within days of our agreeing to leave the site for good and his last login was recorded as being during my stay. He had been using this profile for the last 10 months.
When I confronted Tom this time he claimed he started it after he read the message containing the skinny dipping reference. He said he wanted to research more about my activity on the site so he pretended to be me and messaged men he thought knew me. I was shocked at the lengths he had gone to but after my own experience doing something similar I understood.
This was during the pandemic and what was supposed to be a one week visit turned into over 5 weeks. We felt fortunate to have that time together to repair our relationship. In fact, he asked me to marry him and I said yes.
I left feeling like we had finally put all of this behind us. Now that we were engaged, surely it would stop...
Unfortunately, that was not to be the case. A month after returning home I received another message from my friend to inform me that Tom had reactivates another old account, posting new pictures. I was devastated. After everything we had been through, how could he?
This time I told him it was well and truly over. He had broken every promise he had made me. He begged and pleaded, told me he was suicidal and over the next few weeks, out of compassion I let him back into my heart. He told me that he had also suffered sexual abuse as a child for which he had never had therapy. He said he thought he had and addiction and to please not give up on him. I agreed to stay only if he would get therapy, a specialist, and that he would find a coupes therapist for us. He also had to agree to tell me EVERYTHING this time. He said he would but everything he says sounds like a lie.
By now my trust has not just been broken it has been smashed to smithereens. I can’t help but go into hyper vigilance. I start searching the internet for the truth he won’t give me. one night, I am “lucky” enough To figure out the password for the account he started in my name.
As you can probably guess, he lied to me about that too. Months of virtual sex with multiple people from June to September. A four month long affair with one woman while he was pretending to be me. Again he shared intimate photos of me that I had taken for his eyes only. He even called some these women by the pet name he calls me. He gave them email addresses and started a kik account. I can’t believe what I’m reading. So much worse than I ever could have imagined. And worse yet, I realize that some of these messages were sent during my visits with him. He was sneaking off while I was there to carry on his virtual affair. All while he was calling me his “Only.”
I am disgusted, heartbroken, beyond angry and soul sick.
When I confront him this time he claims he doesn’t remember doing any of it. That it’s part of his addiction/compulsion. He actually gets angry at me for “digging up the past.”
Since then I have found more secret accounts, more messages, more disgusting comments. How do you recover when the person you love is telling people “I want to lick you and make you cum!” Tells his online affair “You are sooooo sexy to me in sooooo many ways!”
I’m trying to understand. I am trying to reconcile the man I thought I knew with the man who did this and I can’t. It’s doubly frustrating when he can’t understand why I don’t trust him. He says he has changed and why can’t I let the past be the past. But I have heard this too many times before. I am afraid to open my heart to him again And yet I still want our dream back. What’s wrong with me that I can’t let him go?