Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 3 - 5 years
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: A while ago - 6-12 months
How did you learn about it?: It’s a long story but basically I snooped on his phone and computer.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Absolutely devastated. He described me as his soulmate after years of longing. The best way to describe how I felt was it was like acid was being poured over my soul. A wave of cold electricity flooded every cell. My entire body became pain. Just pain, pain, pain.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: I don’t have any normal habits anymore. There are times when I take really good care of myself and I exercise and eat well and rest and then it flips and I don’t eat it all or eat too much and I drink every night.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: I took up jogging and that helped for a while. Nothing really helps long term. I’ve tried talking to friends but then I just feel guilty. I read articles and watched videos on the subject and how to heal. Sometimes they make me feel better temporarily but nothing lasts.
What are your next steps?: I have asked my fiancé multiple times to get us a couple therapist. It’s been four months since I found out and we still don’t have one.I’m going to seek individual counselling but I’ve seen a therapist in the past and it doesn’t really help me so I’m not very hopeful.
I go back-and-forth as to whether I want to continue to try to work on this relationship. I can’t reconcile the man I thought I knew with the man who did this.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Afraid, Voiceless, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible
What emotions are missing from the list?: Confusion, apathy
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Early on in our relationship I discovered that he was flirting with other women online. I told him I was uncomfortable with it. He said it was meaningless fun. I asked him to stop and he said he would but he never did. I should’ve broken up with him back then but I ignored the warning signs. Never ignore the morning signs and listen to your instincts.
What else would you like to share?: I let this man into my heart and the way I have never allowed anybody else. I thought we had a deep spiritual connection. I told him all my secrets. I told him I had been sexually abused as a child and emotionally abused in my marriage. He knew how much I had endured and what it took for me to survive. I let my barriers down for him. I showed him all of my inner workings, pried back my armour to show him my most sensitive and fragile bits. Instead of protecting me the way he said he would, he reached in and placed a bomb in my guts.