Your Age: 41-50
Length of Relationship : 21 years or more
How long ago did the betrayal occur?: In the last few months - less than 90 days (3 months)
How did you learn about it?: On December 15th 2019, I felt her staring at me as she sat on the back of our golf cart at my husbands company Christmas party. I didn’t know who she was, but I could feel her toxic energy immediately. Later that week my husband mentioned her at dinner with me and the kids. He said they talk and are friends, she works next door to his company. I told him I know her type and he better shut that door real fast because we don’t need that shit in our marriage and let it go for the time being, but I already knew the truth deep down. He had been distancing me for several weeks, so much so I had recently asked if I had done something to upset him, to which he replied, “No, I am fine.”. The next night I opened Facebook and she popped up as someone I may know. I clicked on her and saw her many attention seeking desperate selfies, cleavage shots and all. I immediately noticed my husband “liked” all of her numerous daily posts, even commenting on them. My heart sank as I knew the truth in my soul before confronting him right then. His long pause and color draining from his face said it all before he even uttered a single word of confession. When I checked the phone bill, I realized text contact began on November 1, 2019 with phone calls and physical contact starting fast and furious December 5, 2018 to an obsessive level (400 text per day).
We didn’t have a perfect marriage, but is was by no means bad. He was my soulmate, we went to high school together and have been married since I was 19. Never in a million years did I think he was capable of this. December 19, 2019 was the day my whole world fell apart.
Describe how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you found out.: Earth shattering grief, denial, insecure, heartbreak, agony, rage, anger, hurt, pain, sadness, fear, loss, betrayal. It feels like the last 24 years of my life was a lie. Our beautiful family and everything we’ve worked so hard to build together was nothing but a lie.
How have your normal habits changed (eating, sleeping, etc)?: Lost 15 lbs within the first two weeks, no appetite, can’t sleep, cry when I don’t want to. I feel like I don’t have control of my emotions much of the time and it’s frustrating.
What are you using to cope with your emotions? Is it working for you?: Self help books and videos, therapy, journaling. I don’t know if it’s working for me. I have okay days and I have bad days. It’s hard for me to imagine “normal” anytime soon.
What are your next steps?: We are committed to working through it, but I struggle seeing the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.
What emotions have come up for you as you've been going through this? (select all that apply): Shock/Disbelif, Anger, Sadness, Alone, Afraid, Strong, Empowered, Replaced, Betrayed, Devalued, Invisible, Shame/Ashamed, Cornered/Forced
What emotions are missing from the list?:Hatred, heartbroken
What advice would you give to others in this situation?: Try to find compassion for your spouse to help you both grow from this
What else would you like to share?: When does it get easier? I am committed to fighting for us, but I feel like nothing will bring me joy again. I know it’s temporary, but it feels so permanent.